BIBLICAL COUNSELING FOR CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS

BIBLICAL COUNSEL FOR
CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS
by
Lauralee A. Jones
A thesis submitted to Salt Lake Baptist College in partial
fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of
Master of Christian Ministries
Salt Lake Baptist College
2010
In presenting this thesis in partial fulfillment of the requirements for a Masters
degree at Salt Lake Baptist College and/or Salt Lake Bible College, I agree that the
Library shall make its copies freely available for inspection. I further agree that
extensive copying of this thesis is allowable only for scholarly purposes, consistent with
“fair use” as prescribed in the U.S. Copyright Law. In addition, Salt Lake Baptist
College and Salt Lake Bible College can use this thesis in part or in whole for use in any
manner for any classes taught, whether those classes be on-campus, distance-learning, or
online. That includes placing the thesis, in whole or in part, on the internet if need be for
educational purposes. Copyright credit will be given to me on any and all copies made
by the college. Any other reproduction for any purposes or by any means shall not be
allowed without my written permission.
Attendance:
- Required minimum Attendance for the course is 8 weeks.
- Required minimum Attendance per Lesson is 1 week.
Study Instructions:
1. Open the text book on your computer screen and study one lesson.
2. At the end of each section, return to the course main page and take the corresponding Lesson test.
Your required attendance for the next lesson does not start until the day after you achieve a passing
score on the previous lesson's test.
3. You must read every scripture referenced in the textbook in your KJV.
Reading the scriptures as they are quoted in the textbook is not sufficient to meet this requirement.
To meet the requirement you must look up and read, in your KJV, every scripture referenced in the
textbook.
4. Study and pray over each lesson. Do not just simply read through it.
You will be asked on the tests if you have followed these Study Instructions.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PREFACE iii
INTRODUCTION 1
PART ONE
THE COUNSELOR MUST BE PREPARED
Ch. 1—GOD’S WISDOM 2
Ch. 2—THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT 4
Ch. 3—HUMILITY 6
Ch. 4—HONESTY 7
Ch. 5—PATIENCE 8
PART TWO
PRACTICAL TOOLS IN
COUNSELING CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS
Ch. 6—GUIDELINES IN COUNSELING CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS 9
Ch. 7—THE NEED FOR CHANGE 14
Ch. 8—THE BIBLE (KJV) HOLDS THE ANSWERS 16
Ch. 9—REPROOF, CORRECTION, AND INSTRUCTION IN RIGHTEOUSNESS 18
PART THREE
ISSUES FACING CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS
Ch. 10—ASSURANCE OF SALVATION 21
Ch. 11—PURITY: PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL 24
Ch. 12—CHOOSING A LIFE’S MATE: WAITING ON GOD 29
Ch. 13—PORNOGRAPHY 35
Ch. 14—BITTERNESS 37
Ch. 15—SELF ESTEEM 39
Ch. 16—COMFORT IN CRISIS 41
Ch. 17—PEOPLE PROBLEMS 43
Ch. 18—BACKBITING/GOSSIPING 44
Ch. 19—HOW CAN I BE USED? 46
Ch. 20—FINDING GOD’S WILL 47
Ch. 21—PAST MISTAKES 52
Ch. 22—PEER PRESSURE 56
Ch. 23—FEAR 57
Ch. 24—ENVY 60
Ch. 25—ANGER 64
CONCLUSION 67
BIBLIOGRAPHY 68
iii
PREFACE
My burden for young people began when I was a student attending a Christian
college. As I worked in the youth group of the local church, I realized that many of these
teenagers were struggling in one area or another. Although most of them had grown up
in Christian homes and had been attending church their entire lives, they were still
looking for someone to help them sort through things Biblically.
Upon graduating from college, I became a high school teacher at a Christian
school and this burden continued to grow. Throughout these years, there were many
times when I felt frustrated that I wasn’t confident about what to say when “my girls”
brought their problems to me. The responsibility of giving counsel that could influence
their lives was overwhelming, and I didn’t want to steer them wrong. However, I was no
longer content to just be a “good listener” or a “shoulder to cry on”. I wanted to be able
to help guide these young people to solve their problems Biblically. I also had the desire
to instill in them the vision of going on to serve the Lord with their lives.
Now I am a missionary’s wife in Mexico and I am still working with the teen girls
of our church here. I have in no way “arrived” as a counselor for teenagers, but I am
much more confident in giving counsel when I know that it comes straight from the
Bible! As I considered a topic for this thesis, the Lord laid this topic on my heart and I
thought that perhaps there are others who have felt the same frustration that I felt. It is
my desire to give a Biblical foundation from which we can counsel and guide the
teenagers that God brings into our paths.
1
INTRODUCTION
In our churches today, there are young people who are in need of Godly counsel.
Some may have doubts regarding their salvation, or questions about their future, or
perhaps they have problems within their families that they are having trouble figuring
out.
Many of these teenagers have been in church since their nursery days, and they
can spout more Bible verses than many of their fellow adult church members. Because of
this, we often assume that they are truly saved and that they actually have a desire to be
in the church serving the Lord. However, this is not always the case. They may be in
church simply because it’s the only way of life they have ever known or because their
parents force them to come.
The day comes, however, when each young person must decide where he stands
with God personally. During the teen years, a young person is faced with his future.
What will he do when he is on his own? Will he continue attending church? Will he
maintain the same standards and convictions that his parents and pastor have upheld for
him? These are serious and life-changing decisions and sadly, many Christian teenagers
are left on their own in making them. Parents and pastors may unintentionally overlook
these “church kids” and are heartbroken and shocked when their “good” teenagers go to
the world.
We must open our eyes and see the needs of our young people. And, upon seeing
these needs, we must prepare ourselves to better serve our teenagers by helping to guide
them Biblically through this crucial time in their lives.
Part One
THE COUNSELOR MUST BE PREPARED
2
Part One: Chapter One
GOD’S WISDOM
Before we can begin to discuss specific counseling situations, we must be assured
that we are well-prepared as counselors. We must not enter into any counseling situation
with the idea that we can simply “wing it” or we will end up doing more harm than good.
As counselors we have a great responsibility because the counsel that we give has the
potential to influence lives in a positive or negative way. This does not mean that we
need to be fearful or bashful about proclaiming Biblical truth and being straight-forward
about sin, but we do need to be certain that we are well-armed spiritually for the work
that God has entrusted to us. We are involved in a spiritual warfare and as we attempt to
confront sin, we are entering enemy territory. Satan has no desire to watch us tear down
his strongholds and restore lives for the glory of God, and we can be assured that he will
resist our efforts in any possible way. Therefore, it is extremely necessary that we
continually examine ourselves to be sure that we are truly prepared for each counseling
opportunity that the Lord brings our way.
We must beg God for His wisdom. Contrary to the opinion of many “professional
counselors,” He is the only One who holds the answers to life’s problems and we are
simply available to be used as His mouthpiece. The Bible says in James 1:5 that if we
lack wisdom, we are to ask God for it. He then promises that “it shall be given him”. It
is not simply handed to us, however. It is “given” to us through the many ways that God
chooses to teach us about Himself. Whether it is through personal Bible study or through
the trials that God brings our way, we are to constantly be learning the mind of God and
therefore obtain wisdom!
Dr. Jeff Owens said that “Wisdom is the ability to see life through the eyes of
God.”1 This ability is not something we ask for once and then magically retain
throughout our lives. It is a continual, daily practice. The Bible tells us that we are to be
learning daily!
Proverbs 8:34
Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting
at the posts of my doors.”
If we as counselors do not have a specific time set aside daily with the Lord where
we communicate with Him through reading His Word and praying it is unreasonable to
assume that we will be able “to see life through the eyes of God”. And, if we can’t see
life through His eyes, how are we going to encourage the teenagers that we counsel to do
the same?
1 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians (Crown Point, Indiana: Owens
Publications, 1998), 18.
3
The Bible has much to say about wisdom and those who possess it. If we honor
and obey our parents, we are called wise.
Proverbs 13:1
“A wise son heareth his father’s instruction: but a scorner heareth not
rebuke.”
If we seek Godly counsel ourselves, we are considered wise.
Proverbs 28:26
“He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he
shall be delivered.”
The list goes on and on. We must search the Scriptures and begin learning how to
“become wise” ourselves. If we have not yet learned how to gain the mind of God, and
through this His wisdom, then how do we intend to counsel others? “What we do with
the wisdom of God may determine what God can do with us. The things we have
learned from God are the only things worth learning from us.”2 Before we ever step
foot into a counseling situation with a teenager, we must know that we have the mind of
God and that we are prepared to share His wisdom with that teenager.
2 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians, 21.
4
Part One: Chapter Two
THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
Having the wisdom (or mind) of God and being filled with the Holy Spirit go
hand in hand. The power that comes from being filled with the Spirit enables us to share
the wisdom that God is in the process of teaching us. Without this Holy Spirit power, we
will not be able to achieve success as counselors.
Luke 4:18
“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to
preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the
blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.”
Doesn’t this verse state what our goal should be as counselors? Are we not trying
to heal and restore lives for the glory of God? Is it not our goal to see Christian teenagers
delivered from their sin? Do we not want to see their eyes opened so that they can see
clearly what God has to say to them? Who better to help us as we try to “heal the
brokenhearted” than the one who the Bible calls the Comforter in John 14:26? Who
better to help us accomplish these goals than the Holy Spirit?
The Holy Spirit gives us the strength to do what needs to be done. The Bible says:
Ephesians 3:16
“That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be
strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man.”
Without this strengthening, our counsel will be insufficient and weak. When a
person is truly yielded to the Holy Spirit’s power, the wisdom of God seems to pour out
of him. On the other hand, when we are attempting to speak without that power, our
words will be empty and shallow.
Another promise that the Bible gives to us as counselors, is that if we will truly
submit to the power of the Holy Spirit we will find that He is guiding our thoughts and
our words. In Proverbs we are given a precious promise from God.
Proverbs 1:23
“I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto
you.”
5
There will be times when at exactly the right moment a verse or truth from the
Bible will present itself in our minds and we will be able to successfully share with the
teenager God’s thoughts on the situation. How many times, though, do we rush ahead of
the Spirit of God and use our own logic and way of thinking? What a mess we make
when we do not depend upon the power of the Holy Spirit!
6
Part One: Chapter Three
HUMILITY
The counselor must be humble. We must recognize that it is not our personality
or our talents that will truly affect changes in the lives of the young people that we
counsel. It really isn’t about us at all. We are only the vessels that God has chosen to
use. It should be our desire to be “vessels unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the
master’s use, and prepared unto every good work.” (II Tim. 2:20-21) If we enter into
a counseling situation with the mindset that we can effectively minister by depending
upon our own strengths and abilities, we are destined for failure as counselors.
No one wants to listen to a proud person. It is an immediate turn-off when
someone tries to tell us “how it is” with an egotistical, arrogant attitude. The Bible says
in Proverbs 28:25 that, “he that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife...” Not only will
we not help a teenager in need when we are proud, we actually are causing him more
problems!
In Matthew 23:12, the Bible says, “And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be
abased . . .” God will truly knock us off of our pedestal if we attempt to do His work our
own way. However, the last part of that verse holds the promise that “. . . he that shall
humble himself shall be exalted.” If our goal in counseling is a “pat on the back” for
our amazing insight and earth-shattering advice, then we are in the wrong business. God
will never honor us if this is the motive behind our ministry of counseling.
Proverbs 15:33
“The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honour is
humility.”
We have the promise that we will receive the honour that God gives if we are
truly “humble in spirit”. (Prov. 29:23) This “honour” that the Bible talks about isn’t
always the flashy, in-the-spotlight type of recognition that we might desire, however. We
may never see the rewards of our labor here on earth, but we can be assured that our labor
is not going unnoticed in heaven. In I Peter 5:6, the Bible says, “Humble yourselves
therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. . .”
God’s ways truly are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. However, the
principle is very clear. If we are humble, God will lift us up!
7
Part One: Chapter Four
HONESTY
Teenagers, especially, seem to have a built-in sense regarding honesty and
hypocrisy. They are known to be able to “spot a phony” a mile away. If we truly have
the desire to reach out to them, we must be real. To be “real” means not only real in our
love and concern for their well-being, but also real in our own personal walk with the
Lord. If we are just playing a part and putting on a show, they’re going to see that and it
will only push them farther away from wanting to seek God’s direction for their lives.
Many Christian teenagers have seen too much hypocrisy in their local churches.
They have watched their parents, teachers, youth leaders, and even pastors put on a good
show while bragging about their own spirituality, and quite frankly, they are sick of it.
They want to see something real and if they don’t, they will begin to ask themselves,
“Why bother with the things of God? What’s the point?”
It is our responsibility to demonstrate to them the reality of God in our lives. In
order to do this, we must have a close, personal walk with the Lord ourselves. We must
do as the Bible says in II Corinthians:
II Corinthians 13:5
“Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves,
how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?”
How often do we just go through life depending on past victories that God has
given us or past answers to prayer? We must daily “prove” that Jesus Christ is in us! We
will not be effective counselors until our own lives are right and we are truly walking
with God!
We must also be “real” in our love and concern for each teenager that we are
privileged to counsel. If we try to “fake” our concern, they will know and it will only
hinder them in making any sort of decision for God. They are looking for someone who
genuinely cares about them. Oftentimes, people fake their love and concern and they use
sugar-coated, syrupy words to gain the teenager’s approval. Teenagers don’t want this.
They would prefer someone who cares enough to tell them things in a straightforward
manner. They may not like what we tell them, but they will appreciate the honesty in our
words. Sometimes they may get mad as conviction sets in, but so often they return later
to thank the one who was willing to tell them the “hard thing”. That is being “real” in our
love for them. It is true, though, that some people are simply hard to love. It may be
because of a personality clash between the counselor and the teenager, or perhaps lack of
personal hygiene. However, if we have the mind of God, we will also have the heart of
God. We must see these teenagers as God sees them and our love for them will be real.
8
Part One: Chapter Five
PATIENCE
As we counsel teenagers, we will at one time or another most likely be faced with
the temptation to lose our patience. There are several reasons for this. Perhaps we feel
that they just aren’t “getting it” and we have run out of ways to explain what we’re trying
to get across. Or, maybe they do understand and are stubbornly clinging to their own
ideas and thoughts. In either situation, we must exercise patience and continue to give
counsel from the Word of God. Dr. Jeff Owens said, “I must remind myself to be
patient when counseling youth. They do not usually admit guilt until the counselor
has exhausted all the other possibilities.”3 It can be very frustrating and may seem like
we’re running around in circles! However, patience will pay off in the end.
When we remember the patience that God has demonstrated with us and our
stubborn ways, it should inspire us to “not be weary in well doing”. (Galatians 6:9)
Oftentimes, their stubbornness is simply immaturity. They are convinced in their own
minds how things should be and it is our job to show them from the Bible the correct way
of thinking. We must remind ourselves of how often we make up our own minds about
things and refuse to consider that we might be in the wrong as we listen to the pastor
preaching or while reading our Bibles. God is patient with us and continues to put
pressure on us until we conform to His will. We also, as counselors, need to continue
patiently applying the pressure of the Word of God which will bring conviction to the
teenager’s heart.
There is a point, however, when we might need to re-evaluate a counseling
situation and determine the best course of action. When the teenager continually shows
no desire to change and has no interest in the things of the Lord, we may need to
terminate the counseling sessions and focus our efforts where they will be more effective.
However, each young person that we minister to should know that we will always be
available to counsel with them again if they are willing to look at their situation with an
open mind and heart to what the Bible says.
Conclusion
The topics that we have discussed are by no means all of the areas that we as
counselors need to examine. We must be open and honest before God in our desire to
counsel, and continually ask Him to show us areas in our lives that may hinder us in
giving His counsel to the young people with whom we come into contact.
3 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians. 83.
Part Two
PRACTICAL TOOLS IN
COUNSELING TEENAGERS
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Part Two: Chapter Six
GUIDELINES IN COUNSELING CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS
As we prepare to counsel teenagers, there are some guidelines that we must
consider. Following these guidelines will help us in earning the respect of the teenager
we are counseling and he will then be more apt to listen to what we have to say. When
we are not careful in the practical areas of counseling, we very well could cause shame to
come to our church’s name, but more importantly to the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. It
is a wise counselor who is careful in the way he counsels a teenager.
1. Never meet alone with a teenager of the opposite sex. The Bible says in I
Thessalonians 5:22 that we are to “Abstain from all appearance of evil”.
We can not give any cause for doubt in our conduct with the teenagers we
counsel. Even if there is no wrong-doing, we can not open ourselves up for
possible accusations. This guideline not only protects our personal
testimonies, but also enables us to avoid temptation as well. Teenage girls,
especially, tend to seek the attention of a man and may attempt to use
counseling situations to get close to a male counselor. We must be alert to
this and use wisdom in our counseling practices. For this reason, the
counselor should always have his spouse or another Christian worker present
when counseling a teenager of the opposite sex. We can not give the devil
even an inch!
2. Do not try to be on the same level as the teenager. It is tempting to try to
talk like they do in an attempt to “break the ice,” but we will end up losing
their respect and probably look like fools in the process! Adults don’t often
succeed in trying to be on a teenage level. Instead of putting ourselves on
their level, we need to lift them up to a mature, adult level. Speak to them like
an adult and they will most often rise to the occasion. “If a counselor will let
a teenager seeking counsel be on his level, he will have more respect.”4 If
we are putting ourselves on their level, the teenager may feel that talking with
us is no different than talking to one of his peers. He has come to us seeking
counsel from an adult, not a teenager! Our goal is that the teenager will learn
to view his problem, and life in general, in a mature way. We must help him
reach that goal by speaking to him like a mature adult.
3. Listen to the teenager! We must not assume that we already know the
answer to the problem before we have even given him a chance to tell his side
of it! The Bible tells us in Proverbs how foolish that is!
4 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians, 135.
10
Proverbs 18:13
“He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame
unto him.”
Many times teenagers are not given the opportunity to state their cause at
home. Parents often fall into the trap of thinking that they are always right
and immediately cast blame on their children. This is one of the causes of
parent/teenage friction. We, as counselors, must allow them to speak freely
and without interruption! There will be times when the teenager we are
counseling evidences the fact that he is not thinking logically or Biblically.
We will be tempted to jump in and show them the many errors in their way of
thinking. Don’t do it! These interruptions will discourage any confidence the
teenager might have in his counselor. We must show him that we respect him
and truly want to hear what he has to say. There will be plenty of opportunity
to share Biblical insight later. Let him talk and strive to be a patient listener!
A patient listener is also careful with what he is communicating with his facial
and bodily expressions. If we are listening with a critical spirit, the teenager
will sense that and will probably not be willing to open up and share what he
is really thinking and feeling. A bored expression or constantly checking the
time will also discourage a teenager from confiding in his counselor. Work at
truly listening with compassion!
4. Do not allow the counseling session to become an authority-bashing hour.
We must be good listeners, but we can not allow the teenager to be
disrespectful regarding his authorities. This includes parents, teachers, youth
directors, pastors, and most importantly, God. He should be allowed to state
his side of the story, while maintaining a respectful attitude. We must be firm
in this! If we simply allow him to rant and rave about his authorities, we are
teaching him that it’s okay to be disrespectful when he feels he is in the right.
We are actually encouraging him to sin! Those placed in authority over him
are not perfect, by any means. These men and women are human as well, and
could very well be at fault in the situation. However, God has placed them in
an authority position in the teenager’s life for a specific purpose. By
demanding that the teenager demonstrate self-control while stating his cause,
we are accomplishing what was mentioned previously. We are pulling the
teenager up to a mature, adult level. He will be allowed to share his story, but
he must maintain self-control and be respectful while doing so.
5. Do not “take sides” in any situation. Dr. Jeff Owens said, “A teenager
almost always expects an adult to gang up on him. The wise counselor
will explain that he is on the side of the right.”5 Perhaps the problem is
between the teenager and his parents. The counselor must patiently explain
5 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians, 139.
11
the Bible’s perspective regarding the issue, being careful not “add fuel to the
fire” by supporting the teenager’s idea that his parents are in the wrong. We
must be sure that we are impartial in the conflict when it comes to “who is
right and who is wrong”. More often than not, there is fault on both sides,
whether adult or teenager. What we must focus on, however, is the teenager
who is sitting before us. We must confront the problems in his heart and seek
to restore his relationship with God. In helping him to examine and correct,
with the Lord’s help, his own reactions and attitudes, we are helping him to
develop a mature and Biblical response to problems. We must stress that it is
not our responsibility or his responsibility to restore another person’s
relationship with God. That is between “that person” and God and we really
can’t do anything about it because “he” isn’t the one sitting in the counselor’s
office. Let the teenager know that you are actually on his side, encouraging
him to make things right with his God!
6. Let him know that you are human. If we sit in our counseling chair,
piously spouting Bible verses, the teenager will probably not even consider
the things we are saying. We must let him know that we’ve been there. This
doesn’t mean that we need to begin confessing our failures and sins so that he
will feel better about his own. We must simply reach out to him as another
sinner striving to live for the Lord. Maybe we haven’t had to deal with
exactly what he is currently working through, but we can let him know that
we understand the challenge of truly yielding to God and His will for our
lives. Teenagers aren’t looking for someone to preach to them. They are
looking for someone who will truly take an interest in their lives and will tell
them what they need to hear in a loving way.
7. Do not attempt to counsel a teenager in a public setting. This rarely works,
as teenagers are very “peer conscious”. Try to find a private place where he
can be free to open his heart without fear of what others might be thinking.
There are times when we must confront a teenager in public, perhaps in cases
of a public offense. However, these times should be few and far between.
When there is the need for a public confrontation, it should never be done to
“make an example” out of the teenager, but rather, to instruct that teenager as
well as others. The Bible says to “speak the truth in love” in Ephesians
4:15. This is true whether in a public or private setting. When a teenager is
publicly humiliated, his embarrassment turns to anger and he will lose the
respect for and confidence in his counselor. And sadly, many times that
confidence is never regained.
8. We must give hope! No matter how bleak a situation may seem to be, there
is always hope to share from the Bible. We must never allow a teenager to
leave a counseling session feeling defeated and without any hope. It is our
12
responsibility to show him from the Bible how God desires to use the
circumstances in his life for His own glory. We must never say, “Boy, that
sure is rough. I don’t really know what to say to you, but I’ll sure be praying
for you.” The Bible is full of verses that give hope and we have to be
prepared to offer Scriptures that specifically deal with his situation. We must
be ready to offer hope!
I Corinthians 10:13
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but
God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are
able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may
be able to bear it.”
What an amazing promise! Jay Adams said, “The counselor may extend
hope confidently to the Christian counselee upon the basis of God’s
promise.”6
9. Don’t give up on the teenager! There will be times when we, as counselors,
will be tempted to throw in the towel. However, we must never give in to that
temptation. Each teenager is a special creation of God and His desire is to
have fellowship with him. It is our responsibility to help restore that
fellowship between the teenager and his God. If we give up, we are telling the
teenager that essentially there is no hope for him. He is responsible for his
own choices, but if we discourage him from seeking God, we will be held
accountable for that. We must remember the patience and long-suffering that
God continually shows to us. He doesn’t give up on us, so why should we
give up on another?
There may be situations, however, when we need to step back and re-evaluate
our counseling methods. We may need to change the way we are counseling
or the number of times we meet with a teenager that evidences no desire to
change. When a teenager decides not to seek counsel and chooses to follow
after the world, he must know that we will still be there for him should he
decide to seek the Lord and come again for counseling.
10. Make him think for himself. Teenagers are very accustomed to being told
what to do and how to think, not that they are always apt to comply, but they
aren’t going to be surprised if we begin listing things that they should be
doing. If we help to guide their thinking, instead, and they begin to come up
with the things they should be doing and thinking, it will make more of an
impact. For example, when a teenager comes to us for counsel regarding a
6 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1973),
23
13
problem he is having with his parents, it is automatic for us to begin preaching
about honoring his parents, etc. However, if we turn the tables around, and
ask him what he thinks the Bible says about his situation, he may just come up
with better counsel than we could give him anyway! After all, he knows his
situation better than we do, and often just needs someone to guide his
thinking.
The counselor should not have to do all of the work. Giving homework will
be beneficial to the teenager, as well. Scripture memorization, daily
devotional paragraphs, and acts of service for the Lord are just a few ideas
that we can use as homework opportunities. We need to be creative in the
type of projects we give. The teenager needs to know that in order to continue
receiving counsel, he must be willing to put something into it as well.
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Part Two: Chapter Seven
THE NEED FOR CHANGE
When a teenager comes to us for counsel, we must help him to recognize that
there is a need for change. This may seem to be an obvious statement, but if the teenager
is only interested in lodging his complaints with a sympathetic listener, nothing will be
accomplished in the counseling session. These sessions should never become an
“authority-bashing” hour where the teenager simply gets everything off of his chest. He
may feel better when he is done, but nothing has changed. Many well-meaning
Christians try to help by lending a sympathetic ear, but in reality, they are hurting the
teenager in his walk with and view of God. He is being given the opportunity to
disrespect his authorities and when we simply listen to his complaints, he feels that his
way of thinking must be right. For this reason, we must be prepared to show him what
the Bible has to say regarding the situation.
In secular counseling, the change begins with the actual situation. However, as
Christian counselors, we must show the teenager that the change actually begins between
himself and God. Jay Adams said, “Whatever one’s other problems may be, there can
be no change that is acceptable to God, and in the long run, to the counselee, until
fundamental, positive change toward God has occurred.”7 It is easy to get wrapped
up in the “problem” to discuss and forget about the underlying source of the problem.
The Bible commands us in Mark to first love God and then to love our neighbor.
Mark 12:29b-31
“. . . The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy
God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and
with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is
like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none
other commandment greater than these.”
If we are only concerned with restoring earthly relationships, we are missing the
purpose of Biblical counseling. The end result will be an outward change that may look
good for awhile, but it will be a change that does not last. Soon, the teenager will be back
to see the counselor because he has found himself exactly where he used to be.
The teenager must examine himself to see where he has gone wrong in his
relationship with God. More than likely he is not the only one at fault; however, he is not
responsible for another person’s relationship with God. He must take responsibility for
his own sin and make things right with his God if he is ever to see true change take place.
7 Adams, Jay E., How to Help People Change, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 1996), 3.
15
When dealing with teenagers, we often hear that the reason for teenage rebellion
is because of hormones, peer pressure, or the “natural struggle for independence”.8
Jim Berg stated it very clearly when he said that some of these things “can certainly
influence a teenager’s thoughts and choices and will need to be addressed, not one of
them strikes at the root of the problem—the teenager’s heart itself”. 9 Let us deal
with the “heart” of the teenager and help him to affect a true change by focusing on his
relationship with his God.
8 Berg, Jim, Changed Into His Image, (Greenville, South Carolina: Bob Jones University Press,
1999), 28.
9 Ibid., 28
16
Part Two: Chapter Eight
THE BIBLE (KJV) HOLDS THE ANSWERS
As we counsel teenagers, we can rest assured that we have at our disposal the only
tool that contains the answer to any problem, situation, or issue that we may encounter.
This tool is God’s inspired Word, the King James Bible. This guidebook teaches us
exactly how we ought to live and will enable us to instruct others also. This means,
however, that we must be students of the Word or we will not know where to turn for the
answers. We must do as II Timothy tells us:
II Timothy 2:15
“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not
to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
How will we be able to “rightly divide the word of truth” if we have not first
studied it to know what it says? Jay Adams says it plainly when he said that “our
problem is not that we do not have what we need in the Bible, but that we do not
have enough of the Bible in us, which we need!”10 How true this is! We will be more
effective in our counseling if we are continually hiding the Word of God in our hearts.
Not only can we be confident in the tool that God has given to us, we can also
take comfort in the fact that there is no problem that will take the Lord by surprise. It
does not matter if we are living in Bible times or in the twenty-first century, the roots of
the problems faced are the same as well as the solutions. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes
1:9 that “there is no new thing under the sun”. I Corinthians 10:13 also tells us that
“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man . . .” We can
then conclude that:
“if no Christian faces unique tests in life, and if Paul can say to the
church at Corinth (living in an entirely different age and culture) that
what happened to the Israelites is pertinent also to them (I Cor. 10: 6,
11), the counselor may be assured that he will face no truly unique
problems in counseling.”11
There will be times when the situation may seem “unique,” but we can be sure
that it isn’t. We must then, as counselors, identify what the root of the problem is so that
we will be able to address it correctly from the Bible. “Just as the Christian counselor
knows that there is no unique problem that has not been mentioned plainly in
Scriptures, so also he knows that there is a biblical solution to every problem.”12
10 Adams, Jay E., How to Help People Change, 32.
11 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 22.
12 Ibid., 23.
17
We should never find ourselves at a loss for words, because we can rest in the fact
that God has an answer to every problem in His Word.
I Timothy 3:16-17
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for
doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
That the man of God may be perfect, throughly furnished unto all good
works.”
We have in our possession the living word of God and it is “profitable” in
enabling us to be “perfect” and “throughly furnished”. Is it not our goal as counselors to
show the teenager what the Bible says (doctrine), point out the sin that is between him
and God (reproof), explain the way to make things right (correction), and teach him how
he can continue living for and pleasing his God (instruction in righteousness)? Why then,
would we attempt to accomplish this without the tool that God has designed specifically
for that purpose?
18
Part Two: Chapter Nine
REPROOF, CORRECTION, AND INSTRUCTION IN RIGHTEOUSNESS
In order for a true change to take place in the heart of a teenager, there must be
evidence of conviction. This is then followed by the “correction and instruction in
righteousness”. Using the Bible as our tool, we as counselors are to bring to light the sin
that is causing a barrier between the teenager and God. This goes back to the point that
was made previously that the counselor must know his Bible! “We can not hope to use
the Bible to bring about Holy Spirit conviction if we don’t have the knowledge of
what Scriptures to use for specific situations, or the ability to explain thoroughly the
Scriptures we use.”13
The Bible has the power to cut to the chase and illuminate the sin if the teenager
is willing to allow its illuminating power to do so. This is a painful and uncomfortable
experience as those who desire a close relationship with Christ know. No one is perfect
and we all have to confront the sin that is in our lives. As counselors, we are helping the
teenager to confront this sin by admitting its presence and then desiring to be rid of it!
The teenager must be “knocked down” before we can help him back up! Jay Adams says
in his book How to Help People Change that the counselor must use “the Word not only
to knock counselees prostrate before the holy God they have offended, but also to
put them back on their feet”.14 We as counselors shouldn’t get pleasure out of this
“knocking down” part of counseling, but we must do it in order to restore a teenager’s
relationship with his God.
Revelation 3:19
“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten; be zealous therefore, and
repent.”
God doesn’t get pleasure out of it either, but He rebukes and chastens us because
of His great love for us.
As counselors, we can not see inside the heart of a teenager. We can only judge
by what we see on the outside. However, we have the promise that is given in Jeremiah.
Jeremiah 17:9-10,
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can
know it? I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every
man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.”
13 Adams, Jay E., How to Help People Change, 125.
14 Ibid., 139.
19
We can use the Bible as our tool in bringing conviction to a teenager, and then if
he is truly ready to do something about that conviction, we can begin the process of
correction.
The first step in correction is repentance. The teenager may be convicted of his
sin but not willing to repent. We must explain to him what true repentance involves. He
must first confess his sin to God as well as others whom he has offended by his sin,
seeking their forgiveness. If a teenager is not willing to do this, there is no evidence that
he is truly repentant.
Proverbs 28:13
“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and
forsaketh them shall have mercy.”
The purpose of confession is to seek forgiveness. In I John 1:9 we are given the
promise that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” The teenager has the unconditional promise
that he is forgiven of God when he confess his sins to Him. However, as he confesses his
sins to others that he has offended, it is up to each individual person to decide whether or
not he will forgive. The teenager can only do his part of honestly confessing his sin and
asking for forgiveness.
The next step in the process of correction and repentance is to forsake his sin and
begin to work on pleasing the Lord in that area of his life. God will not bless him if he
continues in his sin. Again in Proverbs 28:13 it says that “. . . whoso confesseth and
forsaketh them shall have mercy”. The teenager can not confess and ask forgiveness
for his sin and then expect that the temptation to fall into that sin again will just go away.
He must make serious changes and take precautions in his life to guard himself from
those temptations. There may be times when he will fall into the same sin again and we
as counselors must be patient in going through the same steps of conviction, correction,
and instruction in righteousness again. We must remember though, that these steps are
not accomplished just by the counselor and teenager going through the motions in a stepby-
step, “repeat after me” prayer. The Bible and the Holy Spirit must affect the change.
Jay Adams said, “Correction is the pivotal point of change, in which the transfer of
thought and life from non-biblical to biblical ways begins.”15 His way of thinking
must change as he forsakes his sin.
After the teenager has been convicted of his sin, repented and asked forgiveness
from God and others he has wronged, and has forsaken that sin, he is ready to be
instructed in the ways of righteousness. Often, that is where counselors stop their
counseling. The problem is solved, so they’re ready to move on to someone else. We
must, as counselors, be ready to guide him not only in “putting off the old man” but also
in “putting on the new man” or it won’t be long and he will be back for more counseling!
15 Adams, Jay E., How to Help People Change, 146.
20
Ephesians chapter 4 and Colossians chapter 3 deal specifically with the need to “put off”
and “put on”. The teenager must learn how to live righteously and godly so that it will be
hard for him to fall into the traps that Satan has laid out for him. We need to emphasize
the fact that when we depend on our own righteousness we will fail.
Romans 10:3
“For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to
establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto
the righteousness of God.”
The teenager’s life and habits will not change until he has submitted himself to
the righteousness of God. In Romans 6 we are given a chapter telling us how we ought to
yield ourselves to God and not to sin. As counselors we must realize that the teenager
that we are counseling has been a servant to sin. Paul writes about the kind of servants
we are to be in the book of Romans.
Romans 6:14 and 18
“For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law,
but, under grace. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants
of righteousness.”
He must become the servant of righteousness, obeying and glorifying his new
Master, the Lord Jesus Christ, at all costs!
Part Three
ISSUES FACING
CHRISTIAN TEENAGERS
21
Part Three: Chapter Ten
ASSURANCE OF SALVATION
It may seem odd to begin a section dealing with issues that are facing Christian
teenagers with a chapter about salvation. However, unless the teenager that we are
counseling has a definite assurance of his salvation, there can be no effective change
made in his life. Without the Holy Spirit dwelling within, he will have no one to guide
him in solving his problems. John 16:13 says that “when he, the Spirit of truth, is
come, he will guide you into all truth.” We can not take for granted that a teenager
who grew up in the church is saved. He must be able to point to a definite time and place
when he repented of his sins and received Christ as his Saviour. How many times have
we seen teenagers or adults who have grown up in a Christian family humble themselves
before God and confess that they have never truly been saved?
In a way, a teenager that has grown up in church has a disadvantage. He has
never known any other way of life. He has been learning Bible verses and Bible stories
since he was a toddler. It is often hard for such a teenager to distinguish between what
has simply been a “way of life” and what is actually real. The teenager we counsel will
most likely have made a profession of faith as a child, perhaps in a Sunday School class,
Junior Church, or maybe at a Christian camp. And, now, as a teenager, he begins to
wonder if he truly understood what he was doing at the young age of four or five. He
begins to have doubts about his salvation. It is our responsibility as counselors to be
sensitive to this and ask questions that will help us to see where he stands with God. A
teenager that has grown up in church might be ashamed or embarrassed to admit that he
has doubts about his salvation.
This matter of salvation must be our first concern. We can not assume anything.
Once we know that a teenager is not sure of his salvation, we must open the Bible and
show him how he can be 100% sure that he is on his way to heaven. We must be sure
that he understands the following:
1. Good works can not save him.
Ephesians 2:8-9
“For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is
the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.”
It does not matter that this teenager has probably been involved in the bus
ministry, works in the nursery, or that he has gone soul-winning every week.
These “works” will not save him! It is a gift and no amount of service can
buy it. (see also Titus 3:5)
22
2. Every man is a sinner.
Romans 3:23
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.”
Although he may not have committed the gross sins of the world, in God’s
eyes he is still just as guilty and is in need of redemption.
(see also Romans 3:10)
3. There is a punishment for sin.
Romans 6:23
“For the wages of sin is death . . .”
Sin causes separation from God, not only a separation of fellowship with Him
on this earth, but for all of eternity. (see also Romans 5:12b; Hebrews 9:27;
Revelation 21:8)
4. Jesus Christ paid our sin debt.
John 3:16
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that
whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
He must realize the great love that God has for him in sending his Son to die
for sinners. (see also Romans 5:8; 6:23)
5. He must receive Jesus Christ as his Saviour.
Romans 10:9
“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt
believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt
be saved.”
This is something he must do himself. It does not matter that his dad is a
deacon and his mom teaches a Sunday School class. No one else can receive
salvation for him. It is a personal act of faith. (see also Acts 16:31)
6. Once he is saved, it is forever!
John 10:28
“And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither
shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”
23
Once he receives Christ as his Saviour, he no longer needs to have any doubt
of his eternal security. No one can take that away from him. He is saved,
once and for all!
After the teenager has accepted Christ as his Saviour, we can then begin to
counsel him concerning other matters because now the Holy Spirit is residing within and
will help to guide this young new believer!
24
Part Three: Chapter Eleven
PURITY: PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL
One of the most common counseling issues that we will face with teenagers
concerns their relationships with the opposite sex. It seems that whenever teenagers are
asked to give ideas for topics to discuss in a youth group or a Sunday School setting,
boy/girl relationships are most always at or near the top of the list. This topic contains
many subtopics, and we will look at a few of these here. This is one area that many
teenagers struggle to completely surrender to the Lord. We must help them to see the
wonderful blessings that God will pour out on them and their future generations if they
will just yield completely to Him in this area.
In our day and age, unfortunately even in Christian circles, there are very few
boundaries when it comes to boy/girl relationships. No longer is emotional and physical
purity something to guard at all costs. Teenagers are thought of as “weird” if they have
never kissed, or experienced some level of intimacy, with a member of the opposite sex.
As we counsel these teenagers, we must stress to them the reality that their “adversary
the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour” (I Pet.
5:8). It is his goal to derail each Christian teenager by placing temptation in his path. In
her book, Passion and Purity, Elizabeth Elliot said, “If there is an Enemy of Souls (and
I have not the slightest doubt that there is), one thing he can not abide is the desire
for purity. Hence a man or woman’s passions become his battleground.”16 It needs
to be our goal then to help the teenager to bring these passions “under subjection”.
God has created each individual with natural desires and passions, and in and of
themselves they are not wrong or sinful. When we do not allow the Lord to have control
of these desires and passions however, we are inviting trouble and heartache. Teenagers
are just discovering these passions that lie within, and have not yet learned how to gain
control over them by giving them over to God. It isn’t an easy thing to do, either!
However, Elisabeth Elliot said the following in her book, Quest for Love:
“God always answers the cry of the man or the woman who wills (against
all wanting) to do His will. It is here that the battle is waged. My will
must be baptized with fire—cleansed and purified and consumed as I
offer it to God, a living sacrifice.”17
16 Elliot, Elisabeth, Passion and Purity, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House Company,
1984), 26.
17 Elliot, Elisabeth, Quest for Love, (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House Company,
1996), 37.
25
When a teenager completely surrenders his will to God, He will enable him to
keep a tight rein on those passions. The passions will still be there, but they won’t be
dictating the actions of the teenager.
Physical intimacy is something our Christian teenagers have more than likely
heard many sermons about during special youth meetings or conferences, and yet, our
girls are still getting pregnant and many lives are continuing to be scarred. As we
counsel teenagers regarding their relationship with the opposite sex, we can not assume
that they “know better’ and would never allow themselves to be in a situation where there
is an opportunity to have marital relations with another teenager. We must not be naive
as counselors! These teenagers are being bombarded with “sex” and “pornography” from
all sides and many times youth pastors and counselors are hesitant to bring up what the
Bible has to say about the subject because it is uncomfortable. Because of our
unwillingness to address an “uncomfortable” topic, our teenagers are only receiving
guidance from one side . . . the world! We must learn how to use discernment and yet
still be direct in dealing with this in our counseling.
The Bible is very clear regarding the sin of fornication. In I Corinthians, Paul
tells us exactly how God views this sin.
I Corinthians 6:15
“Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then
take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot?
God forbid.”
Our Christian teenagers need to know that by committing fornication, they are
sinning, not only against God, but also against their own bodies. There will be scars that
don’t just magically disappear when they decide to get right with God. Some of these
scars they will carry with them the rest of their lives. The same chapter goes on to say:
I Corinthians 6:18-20
“Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he
that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know
ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you,
which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with
a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are
God’s.”
We have all heard the testimonies of teenagers and adults who have fallen into the
sin of fornication. We have seen the shame and hurt that comes as a result. We have
seen the scars that follow these teenagers and adults throughout their lives. It isn’t that
God doesn’t forgive or that He won’t use that person again, but there are often permanent
consequences that they will continue to deal with. We must impress upon our Christian
teenagers the great value of the gift that God has given to each of them . . . their purity.
26
There are some who may be called to a life of singlehood, but the majority of the
teenagers we counsel will one day be married. God wants them to know that He has a
mate uniquely created for them. The challenge for them will be to wait for God’s timing
in revealing that mate. Each person was created by God as a gift for his or her future
spouse. When a teenager begins to violate his purity, he is degrading the value of that
gift for his future spouse. No one desires to receive an opened, dirty, or used gift.
However, if the teenager does not guard and protect his special gift, that is exactly what
he will be offering to his future spouse as they stand together at the wedding altar.
When we speak of physical purity, we obviously immediately think of losing
one’s virginity. However, there are more areas of physical purity that we should
encourage our teenagers to guard for their future spouses. How special it is when a man
and woman stand before the wedding altar knowing that they have saved themselves
completely for each other, not only their virginity, but the intimacy of kissing, holding
hands, and hugging as well. These demonstrations of affection should also be guarded.
Not only is it an amazing gift and blessing to give to a spouse, it must also be pointed out
that it is extremely dangerous to “play around” with these acts of intimacy. We have all
heard it said, “One thing leads to another,” and it is a true statement. We must teach our
teenagers to hold themselves to the highest possible standard, so that they can not only
bless their future spouses, but most importantly, bring glory to their God! Joshua Harris
said, “We have to understand purity as a pursuit of righteousness.”18 It isn’t merely a
set of rules and regulations. If our teenagers view it as simply a line that they must not
cross, what’s to keep them from going as close to the line as they possibly can? Harris
goes on to point out that “True purity flees as fast and as far as it can from sin and

compromise.”19 Let us endeavor to instill in the teenagers that we counsel a God-given

determination that they will guard their purity!
This not only applies to physical purity (sexual relationships, hand-holding,
kissing, etc.), but also to emotional purity. What is emotional intimacy? Heather Arnel
Paulsen defines it as “a close, private relationship that would invoke strong feelings,
passions, and the senses.”20 Often a teenager will say, “Oh, we’re just friends!” And,
yet, they share personal secrets and lean on each other emotionally. How often have we
heard this “we’re just friends” statement made and then months down the road the girl
comes to us crying because she’s pregnant and doesn’t know what she is going to do?
Not only do our teenagers need to be careful in their “dating/courting” relationships, but
also in so-called “friendships” with the opposite sex.
Today, it is common for teenagers to be close friends with a guy or a girl and
share the kind of emotional intimacy that should only be shared between a married
couple. Teenagers are opening up parts of themselves that should never be opened up to
another teenager of the opposite sex. Girls, especially, tend to share their hearts and
18 Harris, Joshua, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Books, 1997), 91.
19 Ibid., 91.
20 Paulsen, Heather Arnel, Emotional Purity, (Enumclaw, Washington: Winepress Publishing, 2001), 40.
27
reveal secret things about themselves in an attempt to further strengthen a bond between
themselves and another person. When they do this, pain and suffering usually follows.
Eventually, one or the other decides they would rather share a bond with someone else
and hurt feelings and broken hearts are the result. Or, their bond becomes stronger and
stronger and they have eventually shared and exposed every secret part of themselves.
By this point, the emotions are so out of control, that there is nothing left to share except
their bodies and fornication inevitably follows.
We have allowed our teenagers to become “too familiar” with each other. When
the emotions start to soar, there is no stopping them! If a teenager experiences this
emotional intimacy with others of the opposite sex before he is married, he is not
guarding his special gift for his future spouse.
Another area to be aware of regarding this idea of emotional purity is the sin of
“defrauding” our brothers and sisters in Christ. Webster defines defrauding as “to
swindle or cheat.” Basically, to defraud someone is to steal or cheat them out of
something they are saving for someone or something else. “One could define it as
teasing them with what they can not have.”21 The Bible tells us clearly that we are not
to defraud one another.
I Thessalonians 4:3-6
“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should
abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to
possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of
concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: That no man
go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord
is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.”
When teenagers become emotionally intimate, they are cheating each other, and
their future spouses, out of the pure and undefiled relationship that God desires them to
have with their future spouses. They are also in a sense “teasing” each other with the
forbidden “sexual act”. “In our society, there is a common acceptance of defrauding
one another in uncommitted, emotionally intimate friendships between men and
women.”22 We must, as counselors, do our best to “reverse the trend” with the teenagers
that we counsel. Most people realize and appreciate the idea of physical purity, but how
much more special when one guards his emotional purity as well!
Another way that teenagers defraud others is in the area of dress. When a teen
girl dresses in a way that causes a teen boy to lust after her, she is sinning against God
and against that boy! Our teen boys have enough of a challenge keeping their thoughts
pure as they deal with billboards and the magazine covers at the grocery store check-out
counter. They should be able to focus on spiritual things when they come to church!
21 Paulsen, Heather Arnel, Emotional Purity, 57.
22 Ibid., 58.
28
However, our teen girls don’t allow them to do that, and it is sin. We must encourage
our teen girls to set high dress standards for themselves so that they will not defraud their
Christian brothers.
Another topic that often comes up among different youth groups is the idea of
dating versus courting. There have been books written and a lot of talk about the idea of
courtship as opposed to dating. Many times it is simply how one defines the two terms
that makes the difference. Some people use the term “dating” and actually agree
completely with those who would never use that term. Parents must set the guidelines in
their homes in the arena of dating/courting. However, we as counselors, can help
teenagers by sharing the Biblical guidelines discussed in this chapter as well as in the
following chapter.
In our society today it is considered “normal” to date around, as if “trying on”
another person to see how they “fit”. In this process, young men and women are
becoming emotionally attached to many different people and in the end there isn’t much
left for the one that they marry! Whichever “term” we want to use, let us encourage our
young people to guard their purity as a precious gift for the unique person that God has
set aside for them to marry!
29
Part Three: Chapter Twelve
CHOOSING A LIFE’S MATE: WAITING ON GOD
When listening to teenagers talk about a girl or a guy that they like, they tend to
focus on the physical attributes of that person. We might hear something like, “He’s
sooooo cute! I think I’m in love!” or “She is sooooo hot! That’s the one for me!” The
Bible gives a lot of guidance in the area of choosing a life’s mate and as surprising as it
may be to the teenager, the outward, physical characteristics are not the deciding factor!
The Bible teaches that it is the inner man of the heart that the teenager needs to be
concerned about because therein lies the true person. In fifty years, as wrinkles begin to
make their appearance and false teeth sit in a jar on the dresser at night, those physical
attributes that originally won his heart aren’t going to seem quite as important as they
once did. What will be treasured by a husband or wife, however, will be the sweet,
Godly spirit that his or her spouse possesses. We must help the teenager to focus on that
“inner man” when seeking a spouse!
Although teenagers have not come to the place in their lives where they are
actually ready to actively seek the spouse that God has for them, we must prepare them
now before that day comes! It is a topic that they are interested in and the decisions they
make about this topic now will affect them for the rest of their lives. So, ignoring the
topic because we are trying not to encourage boy/girl relationships is foolish. Again, if
the only input they are receiving regarding these relationships is coming from the
television and peers, they’re in trouble! We must give them Biblical guidance in this area
so that they will have some guidelines to help them refocus when the emotions begin to
soar!
Many teenagers ask the all-too-common question, “But, how did you know that
your husband was the one for you?” They want to do the will of God in this area, but it
can seem confusing to them. The teenager must first trust God’s leading. Proverbs gives
us a precious promise.
Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy
paths.”
If a teenager will truly trust God and keep his heart and mind open to the way the
Lord leads, God promises that He will show him His perfect will regarding a life’s mate.
Many times the hard part is the “lean not unto thine own understanding” part. We
often get it into our heads that we know exactly what we need, when in reality, it’s what
our flesh wants. In the end, however, if we follow the will of God, we will see both our
needs and wants met!
30
As counselors, we should encourage each teenager to make a list of some qualities
that must be evident in someone who could be their life’s mate. We can give them some
Biblical guidelines to help them begin their list. Here are a few of them:
1. He/she must be a born-again Christian. The Bible says very clearly that we
are not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” in II Corinthians
6:14. Some teenagers unwisely think that they will be able to “win” a lost boy
or girl to Christ after they are dating or married. This rarely happens and it is
never God’s plan for a Christian to marry an unbeliever. How often do we see
the heartache of a Christian man or woman who is trying to raise their
children for God, but their spouse doesn’t want anything to do with the things
of God? This causes a lot of tension in the home and the children end up
suffering as well. There is no exception in this area. A Christian teenager
must not even consider dating or marrying an unsaved person.
2. He/she must be spiritually minded.
Amos 3:3
“Can two walk together except they be agreed?”
If the teenager we are counseling is spiritually minded and desiring the will of
God for his life, he will want to marry someone that has the same mindset.
Romans 8:5-8
“For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they
that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally
minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because
the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of
God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh can not
please God.”
Dr Jeff Owens said, “Two people who want to be married should desire
Christ above all else. They should love and want Him more than they
desire a marital partner.”23 A person, whose strongest desire is for another
and not for Christ, will continue in this pattern of placing people or things
before God. God will not honor and bless a marriage where He is not in first
place!
3. He/she must be a hard worker.
Proverbs 15:19
“The way of the slothful man is as an hedge of thorns: but the way of the
righteous is made plain.”
23 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians, 244.
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If a guy or a girl does not have a good work ethic before marriage, they will
more than likely continue to be lazy after they are married. Good looks won’t
keep the house clean or supply food for the table!
4. He/she must maintain self-control.
Proverbs 22:24, 25
“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou
shalt not go. Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”
A person that can not control his temper will undoubtedly have other areas in
his life over which he has no control as well. The Bible says that we are to
avoid a friendship with such a person, let alone a union in marriage!
5. He/she must be stable.
James 1:8
“A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.”
If a prospective mate can not hold a steady job or seems to constantly be
changing his plans and decisions, beware!!! Be sure also that he does not
waver in his convictions and beliefs. A person that can not stand firm in these
areas will most likely continue to be “unstable” throughout his marriage.
6. He/she must be committed. First of all, he must be committed to God and to
serving Him with his life. If he is faithful to this commitment he will be
faithful to his marriage as well. Be sure that he is actively involved in
Christian service and does not take this service lightly.
7. He/she must be respectful. First of all, he must be respectful toward God. If
he does not pay close attention to the preacher during a sermon, he probably
won’t pay close attention when God is trying to speak to him through his own
personal devotions, either.
Secondly, he must be respectful toward his authorities, whether they are his
parents, pastor, teachers, etc. He must show them honor and treat them in a
respectful manner. The saying, “Watch how a man treats his mother, because
that is how he will treat his wife someday,” is true in many cases.
We have listed many things to consider when advising someone who is praying
about God’s will regarding a spouse. No one is perfect, but there are certain character
traits that should be evident.
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We must also remind the teenager seeking counsel that it is a lot easier to make a
list of what someone else should be, than it is to hold ourselves to the same high standard.
We must encourage the teenager to be sure that he is working on becoming the kind of
person that a Godly young man or woman would consider for a spouse as well as looking
for a person that fits these character traits.
The young person that is truly seeking God’s will in this area of finding a spouse
must then learn to wait for God’s timing in bringing that spouse. This period of waiting
will be a different length for each individual, but what God wants us to do with that
period is the same no matter the length. We are to be busy while we wait! God has a
plan for the single years of every Christian. The Bible talks about this in I Corinthians.
I Corinthians 7:32, 34-35
“But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth
for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: . . .
There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried
woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in
body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the
world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own
profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is
comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.”
The purpose during those single years is to truly “attend upon the Lord without
distraction”.24 How often, though, do singles become selfish, using their time only for
themselves? Heather Paulsen said, “When singles keep their attention or energy
focused on themselves and not on a love relationship with God, they miss out on
many activities that would bring about deep satisfaction.”25 She also goes on to say
that by focusing on serving the Lord instead of self, they are actually ensuring a better
marriage because they will have practiced being selfless! So, instead of worrying and
fretting about when “Mr. or Mrs. Right” will come along, we must encourage our young
people to get busy serving God and He will bring that person at exactly the right time!
Here are seven Biblical principles with which we can encourage young people in
waiting on the Lord’s timing for their life’s mate.
1. Every child of God is complete in Christ. The world will try to tell our
young people that unless they have a girlfriend or boyfriend in their lives, they
are not complete. This is a lie of Satan because the Bible specifically tells us
that we are complete in Him.
24 Paulsen, Heather Arnel, Emotional Purity, 126.
25 Ibid., Emotional Purity, 126.
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Colossians 2:6-10
“As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him;
Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been
taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving. Beware lest any man spoil
you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after
the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ. For in him dwelleth all
the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is
the head of all principality and power:”
2. Every child of God has acceptance from God, so we need not seek the
approval of others.
Galatians 6:4
“But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing
in himself alone, and not in another.”
It shouldn’t matter what the world is telling our young people, because their
focus should be to gain the approval of God and not their peers.
3. Our purpose in life, no matter whether we are single or married is to
bring glory to God.
I Corinthians 6:19-20
“What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost
which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye
are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your
spirit, which are God’s.”
When a person marries it doesn’t mean that he has suddenly “arrived” in the
sight of God and is now important enough to serve and glorify Him. God
simply commands all Christians to bring glory to Him!
4. To be truly happy, the inward man must be right with God. Happiness
does not depend on circumstances. Matthew 5:3-12 gives us the list of those
who are blessed of God in the passage known as the “Beattitudes”. When we
are right with the Lord, we are truly blessed!
5. When we feel lonely, we are desiring fellowship from another rather than
the fellowship we are promised from God. Often in our carnal minds we
have horizontal vision and only focus on the friendships and fellowship of
those around us and we lose sight of the fact that man will fail us. When we
are dependent on what we can get out of our earthly friendships we are sure to
feel lonely and depressed. However, the Lord will never fail us and He longs
for us to desire His fellowship.
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Psalm 73:25
“Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I
desire beside thee.”
6. God gives a special honor to those who choose not marry in order to serve
Him more effectively. The Bible tells us in I Corinthians 7:32-34 that a
single person is more able to “care for the things of the Lord, how he may
please the Lord” than a married person. Isaiah also tells us of the special
place a single person holds in God’s eyes.
Isaiah 56:3-5
“ . . . neither let the eunuch say, Behold, I am a dry tree. For thus saith
the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things
that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give
in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons
and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be
cut off.”
7. When our thoughts and actions are not what they should be, our desire
for marriage can become overwhelming.
Proverbs 4:23
“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”
When a single person allows himself to dwell on the fact that he isn’t married,
it will cause him to desire marriage even more. Also, when he becomes
involved in immoral actions such as pornography or physical intimacy he is
distorting the Biblical desire for marriage.
We must, as counselors of Christian teenagers, encourage our young people to
wait for the one that God would have for them to marry, and to do it on His timetable!
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Part Three: Chapter Thirteen
PORNOGRAPHY
Sadly, in our day and age, one of Satan’s most successful tools in the battle for a
Christian teenager’s mind and purity is pornography. It is so readily available to him
through the internet, television, and he can even download it onto his cell phone! This
wicked device of the devil is destroying our young people and because it is so easily
accessible, many parents and pastors are completely unaware that the destruction is
taking place until it is too late!
We, as counselors, must be ready to help a young person break down this
stronghold in his life. We can show him what the Bible clearly says in Matthew about
lustful thoughts.
Matthew 5:27-28
“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not
commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a
woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his
heart.”
It isn’t just the outward act of adultery that God is concerned about, but also the
inward lustful thoughts. The Bible also says that “out of the heart proceed evil
thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies : . .”
What he allows himself to think about today will become his actions tomorrow.
Pornography leads to fornication, which leads to heartache and destruction. Here are
some more verses that we can share with teenagers regarding the sin of pornography.
1. God commands us to be holy.
I Peter 1:14-16
“As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former
lusts in your ignorance: But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye
holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I
am holy.”
2. A person can not play around with sin without being burned.
Proverbs 6:25-29
“Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can
one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? So he that goeth in to
his neighbour’s wife; whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent.”
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The teenager may not have actually committed the act of fornication, but we
have seen in Matthew that even to look lustfully upon a woman is considered
fornication in one’s heart. We must warn the teenager of the destruction and
pain that comes from playing with sin!
3. Only the rewards of doing the will of God will last for eternity.
I John 2:16,17
“For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes,
and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the
world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of
God abideth forever.”
The carnal things that seem so important now are worth nothing in light of
eternity. Serving the Lord brings rewards that will never die or decay.
We can also help these teenagers who are struggling with pornography by
providing accountability for them. If they are truly willing to allow the Lord to work a
change in their heart regarding this sin, they must be willing to give up some things in
order to avoid temptation. There may be a period of time when they should have no
access to a computer, television, or cell phone. We can work with parents on this. We
can also provide homework such as Scripture memory, weekly visitation, and service
within the church. We must help him to fill the time spent previously in pornography
with opportunities to grow and serve God!
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Part Three: Chapter Fourteen
BITTERNESS
Many teenagers are consumed with bitterness. There are a multitude of reasons
why teenagers become bitter. Physical or emotional abuse, unfair treatment, divorced
parents, or jealousy, are just a few of the most common excuses given. Dr. Jeff Owens
stated:
“If a person is bitter with God, more than likely it is because of an
unwanted circumstance in life. However, if that circumstance in life is a
tough one, we must still accept it and know God allowed it in His great
love. We must never be bitter at God.”26
There is no doubt that some of the teenagers we will counsel have “had it rough”.
The abuse that goes on in homes today is horrendous and wicked. However, we as
counselors must deal with the root of the problem and that is the sin of bitterness.
Bitterness can be likened to a poison. After a person ingests poison, its
destructive work begins to wreak havoc on the inside and then eventually makes its way
outward for all the world to see. A bitter person can not hide the fact that he is bitter. It
distorts his countenance, his words, and his actions. What may have begun as bitterness
toward one person, eventually becomes bitterness toward everyone and everything, just
as poison begins by affecting one organ and in the end destroys them all!
Ephesians 4:31
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil
speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.”
If we are told here to “put it away” then it must have been a choice we made to
“pick it up” in the first place. It does not matter what the circumstances are, each person
chooses whether or not he will become bitter. As we listen to the story behind a
teenager’s choice to be bitter, we must remember that although what he is saying may be
true, he has reacted sinfully by taking on the sin of bitterness. We can not become
influenced by the circumstances as he has been influenced by them. This does not mean
that we are not empathetic or compassionate regarding the things he is going through, but
we can not refrain from pointing out his own sinful responses to these circumstances. We
will not help a teenager to overcome bitterness by encouraging him to be bitter!
The answer to the problem of bitterness is found in the Word of God. A teenager
must first of all admit and confess his sin of bitterness.
26 Owens, Dr. Jeff, Practical Counseling Principles for Christians, 171.
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Psalm 51:3
“For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.”
He will be tempted to justify his bitterness by what has happened to him, but he
must take responsibility for his own sinful actions of allowing bitterness to enter his
heart. The teenager must then ask forgiveness for his sin of bitterness.
I John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and
to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
We must point out to the teenager that if he chooses not to confess this sin, the
Lord will not hear his prayers.
Psalm 66:18
“If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me:”
Once his relationship with his God is restored, the teenager must determine with
the Lord’s help not to allow the bitterness to take hold of him again. He must instead
replace the bitterness with good things such as quoting Bible verses when he is tempted
to have bitter thoughts. We as counselors can help him by providing accountability in
this area.
39
Part Three: Chapter Fifteen
SELF-ESTEEM
We are bombarded with this topic of self esteem from every side! The world tells
us that we must “feel good” about ourselves in order to be happy. Teenagers often fall
for this lie of Satan and think that they have to be beautiful, thin, or popular in order to
achieve true happiness. This is the message they are receiving from Hollywood,
magazines, and their peers. They are constantly seeking approval and if they don’t
happen to think that they measure up, they believe that they can not be happy.
For this reason, many teenagers (mostly girls), fall into the trap of anorexia or
bulimia. They believe that in order to be happy they must be accepted. And, in order to
be accepted, they have to have what the world calls “a perfect body”. Even our Christian
girls are falling for this lie of Satan and proceed to do serious damage to their bodies in
an effort to become something that they are not.
As we counsel these teenagers, we must remind them what I Corinthians says:
I Corinthians 6:19, 20
“What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost
which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye
are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your
spirit, which are God’s.”
They have been purchased by God and their bodies are not their own! The Bible
tells us that we must recognize that there is nothing good about us, except what we are in
Christ. No matter how hard we try, our physical bodies will never “add up” in the
world’s eyes, therefore we must encourage teenagers to strive to better themselves
spiritually because by doing so they will be increasing their value in the eyes of the One
Who purchased them!
The current trend of feeling sorry for one’s self and being labeled as having low
self-esteem goes against the Bible. The Bible tells us that we are not to make provision
for the flesh. We are to seek the spiritual and not the carnal.
Romans 8:12, 13
“Therefore, brethren, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live after the
flesh. For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the
Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.”
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If a teenager will truly “die to self,” he will not struggle with his self-esteem. He
will be so busy concentrating on the things of the Lord that there will be no place in his
mind for carnal thoughts. Let us strive to encourage teenagers to truly have the mind of
Christ!
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Part Three: Chapter Sixteen
COMFORT IN CRISIS
There will be times when a teenager will come to us for comfort. Perhaps they
are dealing with the death of a loved one, parental divorce, or some other kind of personal
grief. We must be ready to give them Biblical comfort so that they can experience the
peace that only God can give. Our own words will seem empty and won’t accomplish
much, but, we have been given many promises of comfort in the Bible that we can share
with them.
II Corinthians 1:3-4
“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our
tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any
trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”
What better way to comfort another, than with the comfort that God has given to
us? Here are some promises that we can share with a teenager in his time of need.
1. God will never leave him. If he is truly born again, he is never alone.
Psalm 73:23, 24
“Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my
right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive
me to glory."
The teenager may feel alone in his problem and that no one cares. What a
blessing to be able to share with him that God is actually there holding his
hand!
2. God will be his strength.
Psalm 91:1-2
“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under
the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and
my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”
Even in the most difficult of circumstances, God promises that He will be a
refuge and fortress for the teenager.
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3. God will be his guide.
Psalm 139:9-10
“If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of
the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold
me.”
It does not matter where he is in his life, whether on top of the mountain or in
the valley. God promises that He will lead him!
4. God will work it out for good.
Romans 8:28, 31
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love
God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. What shall we
then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?”
The situation may seem bleak, but we can share with the teenager the promise
that God can take even a bad situation and turn it into good if he loves Him
and seeks His will!
5. God will give him grace.
II Corinthians 9:8
“And God is able to make all grace abound toward you: that ye, always
having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.”
No matter what the crisis, God is there with His grace to enable the teenager
to get through it!
As counselors, we must be prepared to offer hope to a teenager who is
confronting a crisis in his life. By sharing the comfort of the Scriptures, the teenager can
choose to place his problems in the hands of his loving Saviour.
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Part Three: Chapter Seventeen
PEOPLE PROBLEMS
In every teen group, there will be conflicts between teenagers. There are
personality clashes and teenagers often begin to form “cliques”. As we try to help them
to solve their differences and be unified as a teen group, we must look beyond the actual
circumstances of the dispute and identify the sin that is the true source of the problem.
Perhaps it is the sin of jealousy or self-centeredness that is the root. When we know the
source, we can deal with that sin and help to solve the problem.
There will be differences in personality among teenagers, and we are given the
opportunity to teach them how to live in harmony with others who may not think exactly
like they do or have the same interests that they have. It is easy to love someone who is
in agreement with us, but much more difficult to love someone who always seems to be
in opposition. If a teenager can truly learn the principle that is taught in the following
verses, he will have learned something that many Christian adults still have not learned.
Matthew 5:43-48
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and
hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do
good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use
you, and persecute you;
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven; for he
maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on
the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even
the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do
not even the publicans so?
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.”
If we can instill in the teenager a love for people, whether or not they are
“lovable” in the world’s eyes, God will be able to greatly use him. The key is teaching
them to see people through the eyes of God.
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Part Three: Chapter Eighteen
BACKBITING/GOSSIPING
Another problem often confronted when dealing with teenagers is the sin of
gossip. Girls, especially, seem to have a tendency toward this sin. Backbiting can cause
serious damage to a youth group and ultimately the name of Christ, so it is not something
to be taken lightly. We must be wise as counselors to identify the true source of the sin,
however. Often, backbiting is a result of another sin such as envy or pride, and so we
must also deal with this sin. There are many verses in the Bible that deal with backbiting
and gossiping and we must show the teenagers God’s view of this sin.
1. Gossiping causes wounds.
Proverbs 18:8
“The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the
innermost parts of the belly.”
The teenager needs to know that it isn’t just “empty talk”. Words can
seriously injure others and cause them to turn away from God.
2. A gossiper can not be trusted.
Proverbs 11:3
“A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit
concealeth the matter.”
A teenager should not be close friends with someone who gossips. The
teenager can rest assured that if his friend is willing to talk about others, he
will most surely talk about him as well when he isn’t around. Encourage him
to seek friends that the Bible calls “faithful!”
3. Gossiping causes strife.
Proverbs 26:20-21
“Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no
talebearer, the strife ceaseth. As coals are to the burning coals, and wood
to a fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife.”
When there is no backbiting and gossiping, there will be peace and unity in a
youth group or Christian school.
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4. We are commanded not to speak evil.
Psalm 34:13
“Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.”
It is rare to find a person with a disciplined tongue. When a teenager feels
that he has been wronged, his natural reaction is to begin spouting about what
happened! The Bible has much to say about using discretion as we choose our
words. The tongue has often been said to be the “meanest member of the
church,” however it can also be the “kindest member of the church!” It has
the power to rip and destroy, but it also can lift up and encourage!
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Part Three: Chapter Nineteen
HOW CAN I BE USED?
Each teenager is a unique creation of God and has been created with a specific
personality that God intends to use for His glory. If we can show the teenagers that we
work with how God wants to use each personality, it could help to solve some of the
discord in our church youth groups and Christian schools. It will also motivate and
encourage the teenagers to look for ways that they can serve God during their youth.
Each person has been given different gifts and each of these gifts work together to
form a whole that will bring more glory to God. For example, one teenager may be
considered a “computer nerd” while another is extremely athletic. The teenager who is
computer savvy may be used of God to help prepare power point presentations for the
youth group or put together a website displaying the ministries of the church. The
athletic teenager can be used of God by using his sports abilities to form intramural teams
through which he can invite lost teenagers to church or by helping with the children’s
classes such as AWANA or Patch the Pirate Club. These young children will enjoy
playing the games with him, but will also be looking to him as a spiritual leader. Both of
these teenagers can be used for God in a great way! God promises to bless and prosper
those who serve Him.
II Chronicles 31:21
“And in every work that he began in the service of the house of God, and
in the law, and in the commandments, to seek his God, he did it with all
his heart, and prospered.”
I Corinthians 15:58
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always
abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your
labour is not in vain in the Lord.”
Sometimes we mistakenly think that once our young people become adults they
will magically desire to work in the different ministries of the church. But, so often, that
doesn’t happen. We must begin now to show them where God can use them! Be creative
and consider each teenager’s personality and gifts as you encourage them to take part in a
ministry.
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty
FINDING GOD’S WILL
When counseling teenagers, a question that often comes up is, “How do I find
God’s will for my life?” As counselors, we need to be ready to use our Bibles as we
guide these teenagers in making decisions. Many teenagers feel frustrated because the
future seems so “unknown” and they often wish that God would just send them a
telegram telling them exactly what they are to do, whom they are to marry, and where
they are to go! What they do not realize is that God has given them a “telegram” that
answers all of those questions . . . the Bible (KJV)!
Finding God’s will isn’t as mysterious and confusing as most Christians seem to
think. We must remind teenagers who their God is and what He is not. God is loving
and kind and it is not His desire that His will should be confusing to His children. I
Corinthians 14:33a says, “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace . . .”
How often do we see teenagers in a state of panic and frustration as they try to decide
where to go to college, which career path to study, whom to marry, etc? This doesn’t
describe the “peace” mentioned in I Corinthians!
There are so many promises of God’s guidance in the Bible. Here are a few of
them that we can share with a teenager to assure him that God truly does desire to guide
him in making the decisions in his life.
1. God promises to guide our way.
Isaiah 30:21
“And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way,
walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the
left.”
There doesn’t seem to be any guesswork in that! He says he will guide
specifically “to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left!”
2. God promises to guide us even unto death.
Psalm 48:14
“For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even
unto death.”
He doesn’t plan to stop guiding us when we get old and near death. This
guidance is a promise that stays with us throughout our entire lives!
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3. God delights to guide the steps of a good man.
Psalm 37:23
“The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in
his way.”
Notice it says a “good man”. A teenager will not receive guidance from the
Lord if his ways are not pleasing to the Lord. He must make things right
between himself and God to be able to receive the promised guidance.
4. God promises that His righteousness will direct our way.
Proverbs 11:5
“The righteousness of the perfect shall direct his way: but the wicked
shall fall by his own wickedness.”
Here there is a promise to the righteous as well as to the wicked. The teenager
needs to know that if he follows his own carnal way of thinking he will fall.
5. God promises that He will direct our paths when we acknowledge Him.
Proverbs 3:6
“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” It says
“all thy ways”.
Sometimes teenagers just want His guidance in the big decisions that they
face, the ones that seem more important. God, however, wants to be his
Guide in every area, even the small, minute details of his life.
6. God promises to lead us and not forsake us.
Isaiah 42:16
“And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them
in the paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before
them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and
not forsake them.”
We must remind the teenager that God may lead him through some difficult
times, but he must cling to the promise that He will not leave him!
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7. God promises to be continually with us.
Psalm 73:23, 24
“Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my
right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive
me to glory.”
When talking about the “will of God” it often seems to be some far-off magical
idea, when actually it involves the practical things of every-day life. There are some
definite teachings in the Bible that are the will of God for every believer.
The first place that a teenager needs to start in “discovering the will of God” for
his life is with the things that he already knows that he should be doing. The Bible has
clear direction for many areas of his life such as church attendance, soul-winning,
obedience to parents and other authorities, separation from the world, tithing, etc. If a
teenager is not “doing the will of God” in these basic things, how can he expect God to
bestow upon him a greater calling? So, as counselors, we need to ask some questions to
help a teenager to evaluate where he stands with God. Is he fulfilling God’s will for his
life right now? Often teenagers are only interested in the future and aren’t willing to
begin now to do His will in the seemingly mundane, ordinary tasks.
When a teenager is fulfilling the things that God has for him now, and he truly
desires to know God’s will for the future, God promises that He will show it to him. In
Psalms David cries out to God saying,
Psalm 139:23, 24
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way
everlasting.”
First of all, David prays for God to inspect his heart. When a teenager wants to
know exactly what God would have him to do in a certain situation or for a life decision,
he needs to be completely honest before God. David didn’t want any thing to stand
between himself and God. Sometimes teenagers come for counsel regarding decisions
only because they want a stamp of approval on something that they have already made up
their minds to do. They aren’t truly wanting to know what God says if it happens to be
contrary to what they have already solidified in their minds. So, many may give up right
here in the first step. However, if he is willing to be honest before God, he is ready for
the next step.
After asking to be searched, David then asked the Lord to try him. If a teenager
isn’t willing to be tried or proven by God in every area, he won’t be ready for the future
that God has for him. When things start to get uncomfortable as God asks him to get rid
of some music, or a girlfriend, or even some seemingly good thing that takes too much of
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his time away from the things of God, that is where the teenager is put to the test. If he is
willing to go through the “trying,” and will allow God to purge his life of anything that
stands between himself and God, he is ready for God’s direction.
Lastly, David asks God to direct him in the way everlasting. The primary way
that God chooses to lead His children is through His Word and through the Holy Spirit.
The Bible says in John 5:39 to “Search the Scriptures.” We need to stress to the
teenager that his roadmap is the Bible and he must be a good student of God’s Word.
II Timothy 2:14
“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not
to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”
He can not expect God to direct his path if he isn’t studying His roadmap. He
would never attempt to travel to some unknown place without first consulting a map!
Neither should he expect to figure out what God’s plan is for his life without checking
with the roadmap of life. The Bible also tells us that the Holy Spirit leads us.
Romans 8:14
“For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God.”
The Holy Spirit lives inside each saved person and one of His jobs is to help guide
the believer in the right things.
Galatians 5:16
“This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the
flesh.”
When we do not “walk in the spirit” we then grieve the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 4:30
“And grieve not the holy spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the
day of redemption.”
If a teenager is deciding on a course of action he needs to ask himself if the Holy
Spirit will be grieved by his actions. He must allow the Holy Spirit free reign to guide
him in the way he should go.
Many Christians rely too much in circumstances and the opinions of others to
“guide” them. God does sometimes use circumstances to lead but never by the
circumstances alone. A teenager must have the Bible and the Holy Spirit’s guidance to
back up what the circumstances are telling him. He also does use the advice/counsel
given by men, such as pastors, parents, and counselors, when that advice/counsel is based
upon Biblical principles. He must be cautious, however, to not take the “word of a man”
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as the “word of God” unless that man is reading from the Bible. So often people do
exactly what a man tells them without praying themselves and reading their Bibles.
Proverbs 11:14
“Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellers
there is safety.”
The teenager just needs to be sure that the Bible and Holy Spirit are in that
“multitude of counsellers” that he is listening to. We as counselors, then, need to
encourage the teenagers that come to us to fulfill the will of God that is laid out clearly
for him in the Bible, and then rely on the direction of the Bible and the Holy Spirit as
they make decisions.
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty-One
PAST MISTAKES
Sometimes teenagers will come to us and feel that they can never be truly used of
God because of some mistakes they have made in the past. Not all of our Christian
teenagers have been raised in church since they were babies and there will probably be
some who didn’t get saved until their teen years. They may have some baggage and scars
from their lives prior to salvation and may need some counsel as to how to deal with it.
There are many promises in the Bible regarding our sin and guilt. Here are a few
of them that we can share with teenagers who need to be reminded of God’s mercy and
grace.
1. God promises to forgive our sins.
I John 1:9
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to
cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
He doesn’t say from “some” of our unrighteousness, He said, “ALL!” We
must be sure that the teenager has truly confessed the sins of his past and then
we can assure him from this verse that they have been forgiven and cleansed!
2. God promises to have mercy upon us.
Isaiah 55:7
“Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts:
and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and
to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.”
When a teenager is willing to forsake his wicked way and unrighteous
thoughts, God promises to forgive him!
3. God promises not to turn His face from us.
II Chronicles 30:9
“ . . . for the Lord your God is gracious and merciful, and will not turn
away his face from you, if ye return unto him.”
No matter what the teenager has been involved in, he has the promise that
God will not turn away from him.
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4. God promises to remove our transgressions.
Psalm 103:12
“As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our
transgressions from us.”
The teenager can rest assured that his sins aren’t hanging around any more to
condemn him!
5. God promises that He will not remember our sins.
Hebrews 8:12
“For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their
iniquities will I remember no more.”
What an amazing promise! Satan will often bring to mind sins of the past in
an attempt to discourage a teenager, but he can hold to the promise that God
will not remember them. Jeremiah 31:34 says, “ . . . for I will forgive their
iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.” It isn’t that God forgets
the sin, He chooses not to remember it! This is an act of love!
As we counsel teenagers regarding their past mistakes, we must encourage them
that the past does not have to determine the future. They have choices to make that will
determine how they will live and what their future will be like. We must encourage them
to put the past behind them and seek to live their lives for the Lord.
Romans 13:12, 14
“The night is far spent, the day is at hand; let us therefore cast off the
works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. . . But put ye on
the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the
lusts thereof.”
It is true that some may have scars from the past that aren’t just going to
magically go away when they decide to live for Christ, but God is ready to use even those
scars for His glory if they will just let Him.
Philippians 3:13b-14
“ . . . forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto
those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of
the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.”
They must put those things in the past behind them and set a goal of pleasing and
glorifying God with the rest of their lives!
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Joshua Harris said it well in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye:
“Not one of us can stand completely pure before God. We are all
sinners. But no matter how filthy the rags of our defilement may be, in a
moment of true surrender the heart turned toward God loses its
impurity. God clothes us in Christ’s righteousness. He no longer sees
our sin. He transfers Jesus’ purity to us. So see yourself as God sees
you—clothed in radiant white, pure, justified.”27
As counselors, we must not only encourage a teenager to “forget those things
which are behind,” but also as the verse continues, to “press toward the mark”. How can
we help a teenager to do this? The first step a teenager needs to make is to be sure that
his “slate is clean” before God. Has he truly confessed and repented of his past sins?
Has he “pulled down the strongholds” as II Corinthians 10 admonishes us to do? Has he
removed the sinful influences in his life? If so, he is ready for the next step.
He must then look for some Godly people he can trust to be accountable to
whether it be his parents, his pastor, or his counselor. Teenagers can help other teenagers
in this area, but there should be a mature Christian the teenager looks up to as a spiritual
leader that he is ultimately accountable to. If we as counselors are going to act as his
accountability, we need to set up specific times when we can check up on the teenager
and see how he is doing. We should be ready with questions, but also encouraging
words!
Next, the teenager needs to “establish protective boundaries”.28 He must be
willing to avoid situations that will bring temptation. This takes thought beforehand and
the determination to make decisions about where the teenager will and will not go. He
can not expect to avoid falling into sin if he continually puts himself in the path of
temptation.
Lastly, he needs to beware of outside influences. Satan is astute at sneaking
through those carefully laid boundaries and before the teenager even knows what is
happening, he will be swayed to do wrong. He must do as the Bible says in I Peter:
I Peter 5:8
“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring
lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:”
Outside influences could include television, friends, cell phone, computer, or a
number of other things. The teenager must surround himself with godly influences such
as serving in the church with godly staff members, soul-winning with friends who want
to serve the Lord as well, memorizing Scripture, listening to good preaching tapes,
27 Harris, Joshua, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 107-108.
28 Ibid., 116.
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reading his Bible and good Christian biographies, or books on Christian living. These are
just a few examples of the influences he should work toward having around him at all
times.
Through these steps we can encourage a teenager to truly put the past in the past
and focus on what God has for him in the future. This doesn’t mean that Satan won’t try
again to whisper in his ear, reminding him of failures in the past. But, the teenager will
be equipped with the Bible and will be able to silence the devil. He can then go on in his
service for the Lord.
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty-Two
PEER PRESSURE
As teenagers begin to get jobs in the world, the pressure from peers becomes
stronger. There is a degree of peer pressure within the Christian school/church youth
group setting that must be dealt with, but even more so as the teenager gets out into the
world and is working with lost teenagers on the job. There must be some training and
preparation beforehand or the teenager may succumb to the pressures and decide to “try
the world”.
The teenager must learn that there is a difference between friendships and
acquaintances. A teenager’s closest friendships need to be with the other Christian
teenagers in his youth group or Christian school. As he begins to come into contact with
other teenagers through work or a community sports league he will be confronted with
the temptation to make close friends of the lost teenagers he meets. The Bible says in
James 4:4 that “friendship with the world is enmity with God”.
II Corinthians 6:14-15, 17
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what
fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what
communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ
with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? . . .
come out from among them and be ye separate.”
Therefore, to have a close friend who is lost goes against the principles we find in
God’s Word. We must encourage the teenager to be a good testimony and witness to the
lost teenagers he meets, but also refrain from developing close friendships with them.
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty-Three
FEAR
Sometimes teenagers will express fears they have concerning different situations
in their lives. We must never make light of their fear no matter how minor it may seem
to us as adults, because to them it is very real. Instead, we need to help them Biblically to
overcome their fears. God has given us many promises and commands regarding fear in
His Word. Here are few of them that we can share with a teenager who is fearful.
1. God promises to help us in our fear.
Isaiah 41:13
“For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear
not; I will help thee.”
The teenager is not alone in his fear; God is right there holding his hand!
2. God promises that we will be safe if we hearken to Him.
Proverbs 1:33
“But whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet
from fear of evil.”
The promise hinges on whether or not the teenager is truly hearkening unto
the Lord.
3. Fear does not come from God.
II Timothy 1:7
“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love,
and of a sound mind.”
It is not God’s desire for His child, the teenager, to be fearful. He desires him
us to have the peace of mind that only He can give.
4. God desires to give us good things.
Luke 12:32
“Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the
kingdom.”
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This verse has such a tenderness in the way God speaks to His children as a
“little flock”. It is as if He wants to put His arms around the teenager to let
him know that He is there beside him.
5. God commands us not to fear men.
Proverbs 29:25
“The fear of man bringeth a snare; but whoso putteth his trust in the
Lord shall be safe.” (See also Isaiah 51:12)
God is all-powerful and is stronger than anything that any man might try to do
to the teenager.
6. God promises us His peace.
John 14:27
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world
giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be
afraid.”
When a teenager truly has the peace that only God can give, he will not fear.
7. Even in death, we should not fear because God is with us.
Psalm 23: 4
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear
no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
There are many things that teenagers may admit that they fear. Some of these
may include the fear of taking tests, meeting new people, public speaking, driving a car,
or even dying. These fears are very real to them and we must take them seriously.
We must remind the teenager who their God is. He is a God of love. I John gives
us the answer to fear.
I John 4:18
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear
hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”
Jay Adams said in his book The Christian Counselor’s Manual, “The fear of God
is the one fear that removes all others. The enemy of fear is love; the way to put off
fear then, is to put on love.”29 He then goes on to contrast love and fear. He says,
“Love is self-giving; fear is self-protecting. Love move towards others; fear shrinks
29 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 414.
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away from them.”30 They are opposites, but we are given the promise that love is
stronger because it hast the power to “cast out” fear. No amount of “positive thinking” or
any other gimmick can do what the Bible says “perfect love” can do! We know that God
is love and so ultimately it is He that gives the victory over fear!
As counselors, we must encourage the teenager to first of all recognize that his
fear is real and that it goes against God’s love. Therefore, his fear is wrong and sinful.
He must see that his fear will hinder his relationship with God and so it must be dealt
with. Then he must face the object of his fear and realize that through God’s love he has
the power to overcome the fear.
In most hymnals in our Baptist churches we find the well-known hymn, “Trust
and Obey”. This song tells us that “there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust
and obey”. When a teenager is fearful he is not happy. The Bible says, “If ye love me,
keep my commandments.” As Christians, we are simply to obey out of love for our God.
God commands us to place our faith in Him and when we don’t, we are demonstrating
the fact that we don’t love Him as we should. The teenager must know that through the
love of God he has the answer to his problems with fear.
30 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 414.
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty-Four
ENVY
As we deal with conflicts between teenagers, we will find that many times the
root of the problem is envy. It could be envy of another teenager’s possessions, his
looks, his friends, his family, his standing with authority, or his talents and abilities.
Whatever it may be, the root is the sin of envy and it must be dealt with Biblically. We
as counselors must be ready to share from the Bible why envy is wrong and what the
consequences of envy are. Here are some verses that we can use.
1. God commands us not to desire another’s possessions.
Deuteronomy 5:21
“Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour’s wife, neither shalt thou covet
thy neighbour’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant,
his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour’s.”
When a teenager envies another’s possessions, he is sinning against God and
will be out of fellowship with Him.
2. God tells us that envying brings confusion.
James 3:16
“For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”
When there is conflict between teenagers it brings disharmony to the entire
youth group. We must stress to the teenager that his sin of envy is affecting
everyone!
3. Envy will destroy from the inside out.
Proverbs 14:30
“A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the
bones.”
Envy doesn’t hurt the one that is being envied! It rots the bones of the one
who is doing the envying!
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4. Envy is a stronger evil than wrath and anger.
Proverbs 27:4
“Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before
envy?”
Often we think of anger as being such a terrible sin because of the outward
actions that we see, but the sin of envy is more powerful and destructive than
anger or wrath!
5. Envy desires vain glory.
Galatians 5:26
“Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying
one another.”
The glory that is achieved from trying to out-do another teenager is vain. It
doesn’t glorify God and He doesn’t find pleasure in one who is seeking such
glory for himself.
6. The Bible says we are not to envy sinners.
Proverbs 23:17-18
“Let not thine heart envy sinners: but be thou in the fear of the Lord all
the day long. For surely there is an end; and thine expectation shall not
be cut off.”
It is sometimes tempting to envy the lost teenagers and what they see as their
“freedom”. We must remind the teenager that we counsel of the “end” that is
coming for both a lost teenager and the “end” that will come for a saved
teenager.
Envy leads to fretting and self-pity and eventually can become all-consuming.
The teenager feels he can not be happy if he doesn’t have the exact thing he is envying.
It also becomes a habit and the teenager begins to envy everyone he comes into contact
with. This sin of envy must be dealt with Biblically. Heather Paulsen said in her book
Emotional Purity, that “to be envious is to doubt God’s love for you and His
sovereignty in your life.”31 Satan loves to plant the seed of doubt in the minds of
Christians and one way he does this is through the sin of thinking that God must love
others more because of what He has blessed them with. This lie of Satan causes the
Christian to take his focus and trust off of his God! We must remind the teenager that
God desires him to be content with what he has been given. Heather Paulsen goes on to
31 Paulsen, Heather Arnel, Emotional Purity, 85.
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say that “a key to having a deep personal relationship with God is contentment.
Why? Easy. When you are fully content, you say that you are 100 percent, totally
willing to accept whatever God wants to throw your way—the good, the bad, and
the ugly.”32
We must encourage the teenager to empty himself of self and take on the mind of
Christ Jesus as we are admonished in Philippians 2. He was the perfect example of
selflessness in being willing to “take upon him the form of a servant” and “humble
himself” and “become obedient unto death, even the death of the cross!” In the same
chapter of Philippians the Bible says:
Philippians 2:3, 4
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of
mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man
on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”
The teenager must confess his focus on self and begin to focus on the Lord and
others!
After a teenager recognizes his sin, and confesses and repents of it, he is ready to
begin to develop a safeguard against the temptation to be envious. The first step he can
take is to begin praying for the good of others. He needs to pray specifically that God
would bless those around him in the different areas of their lives.
Romans 15:2-3
“Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good to edification. For
even Christ pleased not himself; but, as it is written, The reproaches of
them that reproached thee fell on me.”
The next step is to begin to appreciate the gifts and talents that God has given
others. We as counselors can help a teenager to identify the spiritual gifts that the people
around him have and how God can use those gifts in their lives. Instead of being
envious, the teenager will begin to appreciate how each person working together with
their God-given gifts can bring more glory to Him!
Ephesians 4:7, 16
“But unto every one of us is given grace according tot he measure of the
gift of Christ. . . From whom the whole body fitly joined together and
compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual
working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto
the edifying of itself in love.”
32 Paulsen, Heather Arnel, Emotional Purity, 86.
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The last step is to speak out and encourage those around him. As the teenager
begins to look beyond himself and tries to encourage others, it will bring him
encouragement and joy as well. He will see that their lives aren’t as “perfect” as he once
thought and that God can use him to encourage others!
Envy only brings suffering and heartache. The psalmist wrote of this in Psalm 73.
In verses 2-3 he tells how he had slipped because he “was envious at the foolish”. Later
in the chapter (vs. 21-22) he states that the result of his envy was that his “heart was
grieved” and that he was “foolish” and “ignorant”. Obviously, his envying did not
bring him joy and happiness. He was miserable! Let us help the teenagers we counsel to
overcome this destructive sin of envy!
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Part Three: Chapter Twenty-Five
ANGER
There are times when a teenager will come to us who is filled with anger.
Whether he is angry with his parents or some other person in his life, or he is angry with
his circumstances, his anger must be dealt with Biblically.
Two types of angry people are those who “blow up” and those who “clam up”.
Discovering the sin of anger in one who blows up isn’t hard, but it can be more difficult
with those who just “get quiet” and stew on the inside. However, the sin problem is still
the same for both. So, we as counselors need to be discerning as we pray for guidance in
pointing out and dealing with the root problem. The results of both of these types of
angry people are basically the same. The one who “blows up” hurts others because of his
outward actions and also hurts himself as he will probably lose friends and the respect he
may have had. Also, the one who “clams up” hurts himself because he is storing all of
that anger inside which could cause physical problems, but he hurts others as well
because the anger inside of him will cause him to be miserable and not much fun to be
around. Therefore, he will probably lose friends as well.
Jay Adams writes in his book The Christian Counselor’s Manual about the trend
in psychiatric circles and group therapies in encouraging patients in the “free verbal and
physical expression of one’s emotions, particularly of hostility”.33 This idea of
“venting” is completely unbiblical. The Bible has much to say about anger and the
consequences of being an angry person. Here are some verses that we can share with
angry teenagers.
1. The end of an angry man is destruction.
Proverbs 25:28
“He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken
down, and without walls.”
2. An angry man causes problems for everyone around him.
Proverbs 29:22
“An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in
transgression.”
An angry teenager needs to see the problems his sin is causing not only in his
own life, but in the lives of those around him.
33 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 351.
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3. An angry man will be hated.
Proverbs 14:17
“He that is soon angry dealeth foolishly: and a man of wicked devices is
hated.”
No one enjoys being around an angry person and soon he will find himself all
alone.
4. An angry man should be avoided.
Proverbs 22:24, 25
“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou
shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”
A Godly teenager should not have a close friendship with an angry teenager
because although he may just be trying to help, he will end up learning how to
be angry as well.
5. An angry man will be punished.
Proverbs 19:19
“A man of great wrath shall suffer punishment: for if thou deliver him,
yet thou must do it again.”
God promises to punish an angry man, but he will also be punished by the
consequences of his anger . . . no friends, etc.
It is God’s desire to use our church youth groups in a great way for His glory.
But, so often, unresolved problems between teenagers keeps that from happening. In the
same way, when a teenager is angry against someone, whether it be a family member or
another teenager, his sin of anger is hindering God from doing a great work in his family,
his church, or his youth group.
The Bible tells us that when a brother offends us, we are to immediately go to that
brother to make things right. Instead, what often happens, is we sit and brood about it
until it turns into anger! Then, we begin to talk to others about the offense, causing them
to be angry as well. This happens so often in Christian youth groups, it is no wonder that
we are not seeing revival!
The first step is for the teenager to recognize and repent of his sin of anger. Then
he is ready to be reconciled with the ones with whom he is angry. Jay Adams said,
“Counselors must always divide the relationship (to God and one another) from the
issues and be sure that they do not attempt to deal with the latter until the former
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has been rectified.”34 It is sometimes easier to deal with the symptoms rather than the
root problem. However, as a teenager develops the mindset to seek solutions God’s way,
he will find the solutions because God is ready to help him!
The angry teenager must learn to love and the greatest example of love is the Lord
Jesus Christ. If a teenager will focus on learning about and imitating his God, he will
find that anger replaced with a love for those around him. He will find it natural to be
kind and tenderhearted when it is Christ living and loving through him.
34 Adams, Jay E., The Christian Counselor’s Manual, 366.
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CONCLUSION
We have in no way covered every possible counseling situation that might
be faced with Christian teenagers, however, we can rest assured that nothing is “new” to
God and He is there to guide our words as we seek to give His counsel. Our Christian
teenagers are truly worthy of our time and effort in helping them to see life “through
God’s eyes”. May we open our eyes and hearts to their need and give all the glory to
God as they choose to surrender their problems and ultimately their lives to God.
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15. Pyle, Hugh F. Sex, Love, & Romance.
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