"…comfort one another with these
words."
Published by:
New Testament Ministries
Printed by:
Lovingly dedicated to the following
loved ones who have graduated to be
with our heavenly Father
Martin Vernon Wilkins, father
Elise Mae Wilkins, mother
Louella Wilkins, wife of 41 years
Hubert Wayne Wilkins, brother
Wanda Jean Wilkins, sister in law
Joseph T. Wilkins, brother
Charles Ungene Wilkins, brother
Jackie D. Wilkins, brother
Lerine Wilkins, sister in law
Kenneth G. Wilkins, bro. in law
Harell “Dusty” La Duw, bro. in law
“…dies, and was gathered unto his
people…”
Genesis 35:29
A GIFT
Of
Comfort
Presented to
___________________________
By Someone
Who cares
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Date:
Healing Words for Lonely People
Table Of Contents
There is a Better Day (Point to Ponder) 6
Introduction, Loneliness 7
A Universal Problem
The First Step (Point to Ponder) 13
Information From Medical Science 14
Away (Poem) 20
Instructions From The Bible 21
Ingredients Which Will
Change Loneliness Into Happiness 26
Your Friend (Scripture) 30
Your Enemy (Scripture) 33
Miss Me But Let Me Go (Poem) 38
Insight In Visiting The Lonely 42
Now You Pause (Poem) 48
Invitation To A Friend 47
Safely Home (Poem) 49
THERE IS A BETTER DAY
IT WILL GIVE YOU HOPE AND
CONFIDENCE TO KNOW
THAT EVERYONE IS AFRAID
AND PASSES THROUGH
STAGES OF LONELINESS.
EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE
EXPERIENCE THE DEATH OF A
CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER EACH
YEAR IN THE UNITED STATES
ALONE. EACH ONE OF US
HAVE BEEN OR ARE SITTING
IN THE DARK SHADOW OF
LONELINESS.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE —
THERE IS A WAY THROUGH --
TO A BETTER DAY.
Healing Words for Lonely People
6
I. Introduction
Loneliness, A Universal Problem
A Black Cloud Engulfs You
There is no feeling like loneliness - a sick
feeling that possesses your whole being, so
forlorn, blue and empty. It is as if a black cloud
engulfs you until the tears flow and you want to
get away but there is no place to go. The poet's pen
pours forth the sadness of an empty soul while the
song writer echoes the pathos of a broken heart. It
doesn't matter which language or the tongue that
utters their sad message because LONELINESS is
a UNIVERSAL PROBLEM.
It is endured by the young, the old, the rich
as well as the poor. Both men and women of all
colors and races have suffered the torture of this
universal monster because LONELINESS is not a
respecter of persons.
I am a happy person! In fact, you probably
do not know a person who lives a happier life than
I do. But I have had my lonesome times. It has
been a long time, but those times are still very
vivid. As a small child and up until the age of
eighteen, I could not stay away from home at
night. Try as I would, I just could not do it. It did
not matter about the fun things that were planned,
or the promise of excitement of an upcoming
adventure. I could not stay away from home at
night. After experiencing the difficulty of coping
with the loneliness I would not let anyone plan an
Loneliness, A Universal Problem
7
overnight trip for me. I did not tell them the
reason and I would always offer an excuse, but the
plain truth was I could not stand the loneliness.
It Did Not Do Any Good To Pray
As a twenty year old Pastor who only lived
twenty-five miles from my mother and family, I
would get so lonely I could not stay in my room. I
could not concentrate. It did not do any good to
pray. Finally, I would have to make a trip to see
them. I might not spend over five minutes at home.
I would walk into the house, greet my Mom, find
out how everyone was doing, raid the refrigerator
and be gone. I would be OK for a few days but
then I would have to repeat the process all over
again.
That Forlorn Feeling
As a forty-five year old man who was going
to be gone from my wife and children on a short
trip, I would get that forlorn feeling again. I would
be going to a special conference where I was to be
the main speaker. It was something I loved to do
and had looked forward to for months. The day I
left, in order to get over leaving my family, I
would pray, cry and sing for the first two or three
hours as I drove toward my destination. While I
was gone, I would crowd every moment with
things to do, working 16 to 18 hours a day. As I
worked, I would be counting down the time until I
Healing Words for Lonely People
8
would be home again. The last night of the
meeting, I would have my car packed and would
be speeding toward home as soon as I could
gracefully leave. Sometimes I would be home at
the crack of dawn, having driven all night, but,
praise the Lord, I would be home again. Yes, I
know well what it is to be lonely.
Happiness is a Result of Dealing with the Problem
Abraham Lincoln stated that “most people
are about as happy as they make up their minds to
be.” It has been proven scientifically that
happiness or unhappiness is a state of mind. A
wise old friend taught me a little poem when I was
a kid. This poem contains a life changing principle
which helped me tremendously through the years.
Study and memorize it. It may change your life
also:
"For every evil under the sun,
There is a remedy or there is none.
If there is one, seek till you find it,
If there is none, then never mind it."
There are some areas of life in which one
has a choice. If there are alternatives and a person
has a choice then give serious thought about what
would be best to do. But if you find yourself in a
situation and you have no alternative or choice,
then make the best of it. Why gripe or complain
about something you cannot change? Griping and
complaining will only reinforce the problem and
make things worse.
Loneliness, A Universal Problem
9
This same principle is true if you are a shutin
or live alone. If you live alone and are a person
whose friends and family have forgotten you and
there is nothing you can do about it - then why
complain? It will not do any good! Ask yourself,
"Has my complaining caused anyone to come and
see me?" Then why continue doing something that
does not work. But there is a way to live a happier,
more satisfying life; there is a way to change.
If you want to overcome your loneliness,
with the Lord's help, I can help you. But many
people do not want to be helped. For reasons of
their own, they like for people to feel sorry for
"poor lonely me." If you are a part of a "self-pity
party" and want to stay in it, there is nothing
anyone can do to help you. If you want to
overcome loneliness and regain a happy, more
satisfying life, regardless of your circumstances,
then join with us and you will be well on your way
to a happier life.
A Simple Solution Changed Her Life
There may be a simple solution to solving
some person's problem with loneliness. Please
consider the following experience of a dear friend.
Before we get to the principles I wish to teach you,
may I relate a simple solution that changed the life
of one of my friends. As she was leaving our
home, an elderly church member remarked to my
wife, "Since Ben died I just hate to go home. The
house is so big and empty, and it has so many
Healing Words for Lonely People
10
memories... " Two or three months later, and with
our support and encouragement, she sold her
lovely home and relocated in a complex designed
for people of her age and needs. After a short time
of adjustment she overcame most of her loneliness
and resumed living a happy, successful life. In the
retirement complex she met people who gave her
support and understanding. They had Bible
classes, weekly times for games and fellowship
and she made new friends. She was no longer
ALONE. Her loneliness was left behind and
replaced as she entered a new chapter of her life.
Physical Exercise Promotes Good Mental Health.
Man has always known there was a direct
link between the body-mind relationship. It has
only been in recent studies that we have been able
to explain the effects that vigorous exercise has
upon the mind.
Leading researchers found that daily
exercise can reduce stress, improve self-esteem,
and relieve depression.
Part of the answer is chemical. The body
produces endorphins and hormones when
stimulated through brisk exercise. These
endorphins and hormones are our internal "mood
drugs" and are designed to make a person feel
better about himself. They are activated through
exercise.
Part of the answer is substitutional.
When one is having a problem and turns his
attention from the problem and concentrates on
Loneliness, A Universal Problem
11
exercising, it helps him. It takes his feelings away
from whatever is causing stress. It has been proven
that when they finish the period of exercising, one
can generally deal more positively with the
problem.
It may help you. This is a simple
suggestion, but many are finding that it helps
them. Try it--it may be your answer.
Substitute Constructive Effort
Most of the time the devil shoots fears and
criticism of others, and tries to get one to focus
upon their bills, problems with family members or
matters which cannot be solved, while they are
supposed to be sleeping. Instead of laying there
and being bombarded with those worries and
concerns, get up!
Get out of bed and substitute constructive
effort for those troublesome thoughts. Clean the
house; write an encouraging letter to a family
member, friend or missionary. Take up a hobby;
painting and crafts. Do anything but lay there and
let the devil beat-up on you. Instead, substitute
constructive effort.
Healing Words for Lonely People
12
THE FIRST STEP
It would be wise and a
step toward overcoming
loneliness to remember
that the best way to have a
healthy mind is to learn to
accept those things which
you cannot change.
AND STOP THINKING
ABOUT THEM
Information From Medical Science
13
II. Information from Medical Science
In the past generation much has been
learned in medical science about how the mind
works. Much of this knowledge has come through
the science of cybernetics. The science of
cybernetics originally did not have anything to do
with man, but originated as a means of explaining
how machines work. This science has to do with
goal striving or goal seeking. It explains what
happens and is necessary for torpedoes, missiles,
smart bombs, etc. to be programmed to seek, stay
on course and hit their target.
It was through this science and other true
principles taught by medical science that we learn
how the human brain and mind works. The science
of cybernetics does not teach that man is a
machine but that man has and uses a machine. It
teaches man how his mind and nervous system
works and how it can be developed and changed.
The author will use some information from
medical science in order to help people overcome
their loneliness and thus live a happier life.
Physical Exercise Improves One's Health
Medical science has proven that the proper
physical exercise improves one's health regardless
of the person's age. The specialists in Physical
Therapy suggest that one should start slowly and
build up to a regular "habit" of exercise each week.
Healing Words for Lonely People
14
When one enters into an exercise program
his joints and muscles will begin to protest! They
will send messages to the brain in order to get him
to stop exercising! In fact one’s muscles, nervous
system and joints are all going to unify and scream
in their protest. They will send all types of
misinformation (thoughts) into one's mind, such
as;
"You are going to kill yourself!"
"You will have a heart attack!"
"It will not work for you!"
"You cannot do it!"
or "You are too old!"
A person will have to decide to whom he is
going to listen. He will either listen to medical
science and the thousands who have improved
their health, happiness and quality of life through
proper exercise or he will listen to his own
thoughts. One will have to decide who is going to
be the boss in his life. For instance, "Am I going to
continue in my weakness and let my muscles,
nervous system and joints be boss or will I assume
command of my life once again?” One's
motivation often dictates what one does and how
one reacts. Those who knew they should do
something about smoking could not stop until they
developed lung cancer, then they stopped! A
person could not stay on an exercise program until
he had a heart attack, then he assumed command
and was able to not only start exercising but reach
a quality of life he never thought possible.
Information From Medical Science
15
One Can Exercise and Control His Thoughts
Just as one can change his quality of life
through taking control and performing physical
exercises, one can learn to exercise and control
his thoughts. One must resolve to impose certain
restrictions on his thoughts in order to be able to
overcome loneliness.
An Astonishing 95 Per Cent
According to those who have researched
human behavior, at least 95 per cent of our
behavior, feelings and response are habitual. That
is, we do much of what we do through habit and
without thinking.
Habit is the reaction and response which
one learns to perform automatically without
having to think or decide. A pianist does not
decide which key to strike as she plays a tune. She
does it automatically and without thinking. A
professional dancer doesn't have to decide which
foot to move as he dances but the reaction is
automatic. He can do his routine habitually.
The word "habit" originally meant a piece
of clothing or garment. Please do not confuse
"habit" with "addiction." One can change a
garment or habit but one must have help to change
an addiction.
Habits Can Be Changed
HOW THE HABIT OF LONELINESS IS
Healing Words for Lonely People
16
LEARNED. As a person lives and gets older
things begin to happen to interrupt their normal
routine. Someone dies, loved ones move away or
there are misunderstandings. A person begins to
suffer from various disappointments or from poor
health. There seems to be more bad days than
good days and more battles lost than battles won.
Then comes more bereavements or unanswered
questions and a person begins to expect the worst.
Little by little one’s focus switches from the
positive to the negative. Then one's thoughts begin
to center on "me", "on self”, "on my problems".
Finally one begins to major on how bad things are
and before you know it he has fallen into the habit
of LONEliness.
Just as one can change a garment one can
change the habit of loneliness. There are things,
conditions and facts present in the world and in
everyone's life at all times which could be used to
"justify" either a pessimistic and dismal outlook,
or a happy and optimistic outlook, DEPENDING
on ones choice. How one feels will depend largely
upon how one reacts to a situation. How one feels
is a matter of what one chooses to focus on. It is a
matter of what thoughts one allows to come into
his mind. A person can give in to his feelings and
feel sorry for himself, or he can see the positive
side of things such as how much better off he is
than many others and thus be happier.
Change That Dirty Shirt
Most people can change a lonely-downhearted
thought pattern just like they can change
17
from a dirty garment into a fresh clean garment. It
may not be easy but you can work on controlling
your thoughts and build a constructive new way of
life.
A Good Question, Who’s the Boss?
On one of the modern day television
sitcoms which pokes fun at a non-functional
family, a startled outsider observing the total
confusion of the featured family asked, "Who's the
boss here? Who is in charge in this family?" The
audience roared with laughter as the television
camera zoomed in for a close-up of the four year
old who answered, "I am."
As ridiculous as this may sound, it
demonstrates the disorder in many families. This
also illustrates the question which a lonely person
must decide. Who is in charge in my life? Am I
in charge of my thought pattern or am I the
victim? A clever writer may picture the total
break-down and confusion of a dysfunctional
family as a laughing matter but in real life it leads
to disaster.
Who Is The Boss In Your Life?
The lonely thoughts which dominate the
thought pattern are the boss and they are in charge
in many lives. God did not intend for these lonely
thoughts to be in charge and for the person to
suffer their domination any more than He intended
for a four year old to be in charge in a family.
Healing Words for Lonely People
18
Although the principles in this booklet
would apply and help anyone in any situation, if
applied, please remember we are not addressing
this remark to someone who recently lost a loved
one through death. We are speaking to those who
have been living under the cloud of LONEliness.
Each person must decide, "Who is the boss? Who
is in charge of my thoughts - my life?" This is the
starting point to living a happier, more satisfying
life.
19
AWAY
I cannot say and I will not say
That he is dead--he is just away!
With a cheery smile and a wave of the hand
He has wandered into an unknown land,
And left us dreaming how very fair
It needs must be since he lingers there.
And you--O you, who the wildest yearn
For the old-time step and the glad return,
Think of him faring on, as dear
In the love of There as the love of Here.
Mild and gentle as he was brave-
When the sweetest love of his life he gave
The touches of his hands have strayed
As reverently as his lips have prayed;
Think of him still as the same, I say;
He is not dead--he is just away!
(James Whitcomb Riley)
Healing Words for Lonely People
20
III. Instruction from the Bible
The Bible clearly teaches that one can
control his thoughts. There are many references
which teach this truth, but we will only give three
simple references which command that the
individual is to take control of his thinking or
thought process.
Let This Mind Be In You
In Paul's writing to the Saints at Philippi he
commanded them to "Let this mind be in you
…" Phil. 2:5. The word Let shows permission or
control. She let the cat into the house. The teacher
let the student speak freely on the subject. A study
of the usage of the Word "let" in this verse reveals
that the person is in control of his mind or
thoughts. He can permit dismal thoughts to occupy
his thought pattern, or he can do as this verse
commands; "Let this mind be in you, which was
also in Christ Jesus."
Bring Into Captivity
The next reference teaches that a person not
only has the power to control whatever thoughts
come into his mind but he has the ability to take
control of his thought pattern. Paul tells the
believers which make up the Corinthian Church
that with God's help they can overcome all the
thoughts which are shot into their mind.
Instruction From The Bible
21
"Pull down the strong holds”
"Cast down the imaginations"
"Capture every thought"
Please study carefully his exact words from II
Corinthians 10:4-5.
The strong holds referred to here are the
dismal lonely thoughts which make a person a
prisoner in his mind. This causes him to think
there is no hope or solution to the problem.
The imaginations are all false beliefs about
the person's helpless solution. In his imagination
he sees "monsters" or scary situations where the
person sees himself as alone, unloved, abandoned
and facing a scary uncertain future. In his
imagination he sees himself a prisoner, living
without hope or chance of parole.
One Can Capture Every Thought
Please read for yourself about the ability
which one has in taking control of his thoughts -
"(For the weapons of our warfare (in our mind)
are not carnal (human), but mighty through
God to the pulling down of strong holds;)
casting down imaginations, and every high
thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge
of God, and bringing into captivity every
thought to the obedience of Christ;" II
Corinthians 10:4-5
Healing Words for Lonely People
22
These verses clearly show that the believer
can pull down the strong holds which are only in
his imagination (mind) and can control or capture
all the lonely thoughts which come flooding into
his mind and change them.
Think On These Things
Apostle Paul writes in Philippians of his
happiness from a dungeon where he is a prisoner
bound in chains. He is there because he was
falsely charged and lied about by his enemies. If
any man ever had a reason to feel sorry for himself
and be down-hearted or lonely Paul did. But out of
this dark prison comes Paul's surprising comments
concerning his state of mind. He proclaims; "I
rejoice in the Lord greatly." This statement is
strange and startling! Paul is in prison; he is facing
certain death, but he is at peace, has self control,
and is happy.
No doubt, his friends and fellow Christians
were worried about HIS health and soon coming
death by execution.
Paul told them to stop worrying about him
and the problems which he faced. He wrote, "…
Be careful for nothing …" or literally, "stop
worrying".
In verse seven he informed them that their
deep concern and thoughts about his well being
could be replaced by "… the peace of God,
which passeth all understanding ..." One may
wonder how this marvelous transformation from
Instruction From The Bible
23
an all consuming concern for him could be
changed into a peace which would calm their
minds and hearts? This marvelous transformation
took place in his followers when they took charge
of their thoughts and substituted proper thoughts
concerning Paul instead of giving in to their fears
and anxiety.
Listen to his exact command of substitution
"Think on these things." He writes, "Finally,
brethren, whatsoever things are true,
whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever
things are just, whatsoever things are pure,
whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things
are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if
there be any praise, think on these things. Those
things, which you have both learned, and
received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and
the God of peace shall be with you." Philippians
4:8-9
Whether one can understand these
Scriptures or not, these simple instructions reveal
that one can control his thoughts and be the victor
instead of the victim. Note, Let! It is something
one can do. Cast down is something one can do.
These same admonitions when obeyed and
practiced will bring peace to you who are suffering
through the long lonely nights.
Let this mind be in you or substitute other
thoughts for those dismal thoughts.
Cast down the imaginations of how all
alone you are and begin to take control of your
thoughts. This ability to control and to change
Healing Words for Lonely People
24
your thought pattern will enable you to overcome
your loneliness.
Instruction From The Bible
25
IV. Ingredients Which will
Change Loneliness into
Happiness
There are four practical ingredients which
will change one's life tremendously if
followed and practiced. These principles
will be PRESENTED UNDER THE
FOLLOWING OUTLINE:
FIRST: DO SOMETHING FOR
YOURSELF
SECOND: ENJOY YOUR FRIEND
THIRD: RESIST YOUR ENEMY
FOURTH: DO SOMETHING FOR
OTHERS
26
I. DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF
It is a biological fact that a person cannot
think two thoughts at the same time. The brain
cannot experience two emotions at the same time.
One cannot experience fear and joy at the same
moment. One cannot be happy and lonely
simultaneously.
Change The Dark Music
When you begin to experience lonely,
dismal thoughts then it is time to take control.
Substitute another experience by CHANGING
YOUR THOUGHT PATTERN. Instead of letting
the blue, lonely thoughts occupy your mind,
substitute enjoyment and happy thoughts by
reliving a pleasant experience in your
memory. Change the dark music which may be
playing on your mental stereo by substituting a
record of a happy experience stored in your
memory. Relive that special moment. As you
relive a happy experience from the past, take
special note to the detail of the person's clothes;
Visualize their hair style and note closely their
environment. Carefully examine all of the small
details by concentrating on every item. Be vivid in
visualizing every small detail stored there in your
memory. If your spouse has died, take your
thoughts off yourself and your problems - the
loneliness - of missing that loved one and
substitute thoughts of where that loved one is.
If one of your dearest loved ones moved to
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
27
a distant place and you had never been there, you
would find out as much as possible about that
place. You would inquire about its climate, unique
qualities, and features. You would find out all the
information about where that special person was
living. May we suggest that you do something
constructive concerning your departed loved one?
Read a book about heaven. Go to the library and
read materials about beautiful places, mountains
and scenery. Search the Scriptures about heaven.
Read them over and over again until some of the
details are in your mind. When you begin to have
lonely thoughts, make your brain begin to recall
these beautiful places. Picture yourself visiting
your loved one in his new mansion. Focus in on
the beauty and the special features of the mansion.
Concentrate on every detail. YOU CAN DO IT!
Use the marvelous mind which your Creator
placed within you. Recall the scenes about which
you have read or go back to some pleasant times
of the past; but refuse to accept the lonely
thoughts. When they come back into your mind
make yourself think of thoughts which will bring
comfort.
She Visualizes Making A Phone Call
A friend of mine whose husband worked
out of town spoke of her lonesomeness when her
husband was gone. She said that when she reached
a certain point of loneliness she would telephone
Healing Words for Lonely People
28
her husband. She would recount the phone ringing,
and then she would hear his warm, welcome voice.
She said she always received comfort and felt
better after their telephone conversation. "Now he
is in heaven", she said, "I see him there in his new
heavenly home. I visualize dialing his phone
number there. I see him picking up the phone and
then his warm greeting.” She said she would ask
him to tell her about his mansion - about how his
day went - his new friends, the Glory. She
concluded by saying, "Sometimes it is so real that
I almost feel his presence." Substitute the thoughts
of how lonely you are by replacing them with
thoughts of companionship. You can control your
mind! You may have to work at controlling your
thoughts but you can do it.
DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF by
substituting thoughts of companionship for the
thoughts of loneliness. You will notice an
improvement as you work at DOING
SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF.
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
29
YOUR FRIEND
"A friend loveth at all times …"
Proverbs 17:17
"… a friend that sticketh closer
than a brother."
Proverbs 18:24
"… for he [God] hath said, I will
never leave thee, nor forsake
thee."
Hebrews 13:5
Jesus promised, "… lo, I am with
you alway, even unto the end of
the world …"
Matthew 28:20
Healing Words for Lonely People
30
II. ENJOY YOUR FRIEND
If you are a Christian then enjoy the
closeness of your friend. Jesus promises never to
leave or forsake you. David, in the book of
Proverbs referred to the Lord as “… a friend that
sticketh closer than a brother.” One of my good
friends who has spent many years alone, suffering,
at times, great and continuous pain uses the verse
from Psalms which commands, "Be still, and
know that I am God …" to find comfort. There is
no one who has suffered the total rejection and
loneliness that Jesus suffered before and during the
crucifixion. He understands the consuming
loneliness that many endure.
Everyone, including God the Father,
forsook Him. He is your friend and is touched with
the feeling of your infirmities. He knows exactly
what you are going through and He is there with
you. In your loneliest times He is there with you.
He promised to be there. He cannot lie. You
cannot see Him, but He is there. You are in the
physical realm and He is in the spiritual realm.
Your eye sight is not tuned at this time to see Him,
but He is there!
If you did not have FM frequency on your
radio you could not pick up the beautiful stereo
music which is in the air, but it is there. There are
millions upon millions of molecules in the air. You
cannot see them but they are there.
Jesus too is there. He said He would never
leave you. You cannot see Him with your limited
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
31
vision but He is there. Use the wonderful gift of
imagination which God gave you in order to see
REALITY. He is there. Visualize Him there in
your room, sitting in the easy chair. By focusing
on the reality of His presence, you are
concentrating on the positive. You are using the
ability to imagine and use your faith. Sense His
presence. You are not alone. God loves you. He is
“… a friend that sticketh closer than a
brother.” You are shutting out your fears as you
accept the truth of God's Word and visualize His
presence. He is your friend. He is there so learn to
ENJOY THE CLOSENESS OF YOUR FRIEND.
Many do this all the time and it works. You will be
much happier as you learn to ENJOY YOUR
FRIEND.
People come and go,
Life has its ups and downs,
Seasons change;
But there is one absolute!!
God cannot lie!
He promises never to leave us alone.
Like a tender, loving parent, He faithfully
watches over you.
He loves and wants to help you. He is
there!
Healing Words for Lonely People
32
YOUR ENEMY
"Be sober, be vigilant; because
your adversary [enemy] the devil,
as a roaring lion, walketh
about, seeking whom he may
devour:"
I Peter 5:8
"… Resist the devil, and he will
flee from you."
James 4:7
“Above all, taking the shield of
faith [Bible], wherewith ye shall be
able to quench all the fiery darts
[thoughts] of the wicked [devil]."
Ephesians 6:16
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
33
III. RESIST YOUR ENEMY
The fear, the uncertainty and the lonely
feelings of being alone are real. Those thoughts are
in your mind but many of them are coming from
an outside source. They are coming from an
enemy! The Bible declares this reality. Mankind
has a real enemy. He is called by many names in
the Bible. The devil, Satan and the accuser are at
the top of the long list of names. Many people
even deny his existence, but as surely as the Bible
declares that there is a God, who loves mankind, it
also forcefully declares the fact of a literal devil.
There is as much evidence in the world for the
source of evil as there is for the love of God.
Your Enemy Is A Bully
In James 4:7 the Bible commands, "…
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." This
command teaches that the devil is in reality the
town bully, instead of the all consuming monster
which cannot be controlled. Resist him and he will
run or flee. A bully picks on the defenseless, the
unsuspecting, the disabled, or the lonely. The devil
searches to find some lonely, defenseless victim to
torment. His method of attacking is by shooting
thoughts into one’s mind. Paul called these
thoughts "flaming arrows." In the book of
Ephesians he said to take the shield of faith, which
is the Word of God, to quench all the fiery darts of
the wicked one. When the devil attacked Jesus,
Healing Words for Lonely People
34
Jesus resisted him by using the Word of God as a
shield. He said, "It is written" and quoted a proper
verse and the devil was soon put to flight. The
lonely thoughts of worthlessness and despair are
thoughts the devil shoots into your mind. One is to
resist the attacks of the devil by claiming God's
promises of love, comfort and protection. One puts
the devil to flight by recognizing that he is
attacking and by resisting him through the
promises of God, which are found in the Bible.
You Have a Choice
When difficulties occur that threaten to
overwhelm you, you have a choice; you can
worry about what is happening or you can relax
and know God will take care of it. IT WILL NOT
benefit you or solve the problem by your fretting
about it. Rather, focus on God's ability and
promises instead of the problem.
The author would like to relate a story
about an old farmer who broke his habit of
smoking cigarettes.
He Got Mad, Mad Enough To Quit!
An old farmer who had used tobacco and
smoked cigarettes for 40 years found himself on
the back side of his farm one morning without his
"smokes." He had left them on the kitchen table.
Without thinking, he started walking directly
across the recently plowed ground toward the farm
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
35
house more than half a mile away. After laboring
through the loose soil for 50 to 60 yards he was
breathing heavily and he suddenly stopped his
walking. He was already exhausted and "his
smokes" were still half a mile away. Then he got
angry! Are those little bitsy cigarettes my boss?
Only a fool would walk half a mile across this
plowed ground for a "smoke". The more he
thought about it the madder he became. He
became more angry as he reasoned:
I am a slave to those things!
They control my life!
They cost me money!
They are ruining my health!
Look at me! I am puffing like I had run a
mile!
No more! No more!
Those little things are not going to make a
fool out of me any longer!
They are not going to dominate and ruin my
life!
He turned around and labored back across the
freshly plowed ground and got back on his tractor.
He quit smoking that day!! He became angry
enough to stop a bad habit and to take control of
his life once again.
Get Mad! That's right, get Mad! Get angry
enough to take control of your thoughts. They are
ruining your life far worse than cigarettes were
ruining the old farmer's life.
Recognize and resist your enemy, the devil.
Do not allow him to whisper those lonely thoughts
Healing Words for Lonely People
36
into your mind anymore. Take control and stop
being a helpless victim. You are the boss so take
control and act like it.
.
Review And Meditate
Now, before going on, stop and rethink the
first three principles:
First: Learn to substitute God's promise of love
and protection instead of thinking the thoughts of
loneliness.
Second: Learn to concentrate on the fact that Jesus
is there with you. Claim His promise. Learn to
visualize His presence.
Third: Learn to resist your enemy and he will flee
from you.
By following the admonitions of: Do
Something For yourself, Enjoy Your Friend and
Resist Your Enemy a person will go a long way
in overcoming and curing loneliness. But in order
to experience a complete cure and enjoy a growth
to a healthy, helpful life, one must learn to practice
one more principle, one must learn to Do
Something For Others.
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
37
MISS ME BUT LET ME GO
When I come to the end of life's road
And earth's sun has set for me
I want no tears in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me for a while, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the blessings which we have shared
Miss me but let me go.
For this is a journey all must take
And each one must travel alone
Death is a part of the Master's plan
For me it is my final step home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to your friends which we know
And bury your sorrow in doing good deeds
Miss me - BUT LET ME GO.
You desire to be free and whole again
Remember the words I say
Go to your friends, help make them whole
Miss me- BUT LET ME GO.
Healing Words for Lonely People
38
IV. DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS
God created each person for a purpose. He
wrote a manual for the human being revealing that
purpose and to teach him how to be productive and
happy. When a person begins to focus on self
aLONE, the result is LONEliness. Man was not
designed to be a receiver but a giver. One of the
great principles of life, found in Acts 20:35, is,
"… It is more blessed to give than to receive."
In order to overcome LONEliness one must take
his thoughts off self and focus on the needs of
others.
She Visited The "Old Folks Home"
My mother, a widow of thirty years, had on
her schedule each Thursday a time when she went
to what she called "the old folks home." It was a
convalescent home for the elderly. She was older
than most of the "old folks" who lived there, but it
kept my mother young as she ministered to others.
She spent two to four hours there with those
people each week.
Many times she would sit and talk to some
just to keep them company. She would clean
around the night stand for others. She would read
the Bible to some, especially those whose eye
sight was failing. She would often bake a cup cake
for the ones who might have had a birthday. She
would bathe the feverish brow of the sick with a
cool wash cloth. She worked with others to get
Ingredients Which Will Change Loneliness into Happiness
39
them out of their bed or wheelchair-out of their
loneliness-into the game room.
Week after week many would be ready to
rejoin others in the outside world by getting on the
church van and enjoying a class with other seniors
at a nearby Sunday School.
You may not be as mobile as my Mother
was, but there are many in worse condition than
you who need encouragement and prayer.
He Prayed For 113 Preachers Everyday
Dr. John R. Rice prayed for one hundred
and thirteen preachers by name everyday in
addition to praying for his family members and
close friends. In return God gave him poetry to
write which has enriched lives around the world.
Look Around You
Who needs encouragement and help? Make
a list of all your family and friends. Which one
needs a note of friendship and encouragement?
Who needs a phone call? There is someone who is
in worse condition than you. Maybe there is no
one who comes to mind at this time, but someone
will.
She Overcame Her Bereavement
Recently I heard a lady speak of how she
overcame her bereavement when she lost her
husband. “George had a lingering illness which
Healing Words for Lonely People
40
required constant care. I was by his side 24 hours a
day for months. When he died I felt all alone and
exhausted. There seemed to be nothing left. Then I
met a neighbor who was recovering from serious
surgery and needed assistance in learning to walk
again. Every day for four months I assisted her in
her exercises and therapy. This, doing something
for another, helped me a lot more than it helped
her.”
Can you join others in a project which will
help the less fortunate? Ask God to direct you. He
will direct you to someone or to a project which
will encourage and help others. He is obligated to
bring a purpose or a person into your life if you are
willing to Do Something For Others.
Get Up
That's right my dear friend, "get up." Get
your mind off yourself and your problems. There
is work to do. People need you. You are worth
while and can become an inspiration to others if
you will learn to Do Something For Others.
Insight On Visiting The Lonely
41
V. Insight on Visiting the Lonely
Follow the principles presented in this section
and you will establish a friendship and relationship
which you will treasure forever.
How To Visit A Person Who Lives Alone
The following will make your visit to the shutin
or person who lives alone more fruitful and
enjoyable, especially to the older person.
Many times a young adult who is a grandchild
visits a grandparent. After the visit, the older
person feels more lonesome and depressed than
before the visit. There is such a vast difference
between a young person who is up to date on
modern trends, sports, fashions and a person who
is almost two generations removed and who has
lost touch with a fast moving society. After
greeting the older person, and exchanging a few
limited remarks, the young people who are visiting
begin a conversation between themselves or they
set down and watch television. The older person
(Grandma), in order to show hospitality, offers to
fix a meal. After the meal the young people are
gone and the senior is lonelier than ever. She feels
more used than visited. The young people may
have been encouraged to leave the kitchen in a
mess by the persistence of "I'll get it later, because
I've have nothing better to do." The memory of the
visit will not be satisfying for either the visitor or
the one visited.
42
Simple Instructions
I instructed my children when they visited with
their Grandma to TALK WITH HER. If she
prepares a meal (which she always did) help her
by setting the table. When the meal is over,
without question, help clear the table and carry the
dishes to the sink, and then help her tidy up the
kitchen.
My Mother loved to play dominoes. When the
meal is over or you have a free moment, suggest a
game by saying something like, "Grandma, do you
feel like getting beat?" If this statement was made
to my Mother, she would already be at the chest
where she kept the dominoes and the game was
on!
Look At Her
When you are playing a game, look at her.
Talk with her and give her your personal attention.
In so doing she will receive the full benefit of the
visit. There is love and interaction between the
people involved in the game which bridges the
“generation gap.” There is a bonding which is
good for all. After the visit the young leave with a
desire to return. The older person is very likely to
walk them all the way to the car, savoring every
moment of the precious time together. If there is
no game, find something else to do. You may take
her for a drive into the country, or go shopping
with her. She may want to take a short walk with
Insight On Visiting The Lonely
43
you. Make a real effort to make her the center of
your attention.
Ask Her Questions
In order to bridge the generation gap use
your eyes to see things about her, like her
appearance or her home, worthy of compliment
and then compliment her. Use your lips to ask her
questions about her interests. Ask questions which
will keep her talking about the things and people
in which she enjoys discussing. Remember, it is
not important about your views or opinions. You
are there to fill a need in her life. You are there to
brighten up her day and life. Ask her questions
which will direct the conversation into positive
areas. Avoid conflicts or arguments. Be
sympathetic and loving as you ask questions which
will keep her talking. Some of the questions which
will bring quick response and enjoyment to her are
questions about her childhood school days, the
fashions when she was a girl or her first job. Ask
her about the different houses or places where she
lived.
Just Be Silent
Some days are lonelier than other days, and
if your visit catches her on one of her darker days
then become a good listener. Do not try to give
advice or strive to make her feel better. One should
respond to her feelings and not to her words. Look
into her face from time to time and give the
Healing Words for Lonely People
44
appropriate response. Your presence and closeness
will do her much more good than your words. One
of your greatest visits which may be the most
helpful and the one which will be treasured the
most is when you didn't say much. You silently
gave strength and comfort by just "being there."
Sit Directly In Front Of Her
When you converse with her, sit directly in
front of her or across from her so she will get the
point - I CAME TO VISIT WITH YOU, I CAME
TO TALK WITH YOU! Let her know that she
was the reason that you drove the distance that you
did and took the time for the visit. LET HER
KNOW THAT SHE IS IMPORTANT TO YOU
AND THAT YOU LOVE HER. Make the point,
YOU ARE A VERY SPECIAL PERSON TO ME!
On one occasion as my son Lyndol left
Grandma's house having been beaten soundly in
dominoes, she hugged him and whispered in his
ear, "Your dad raised you right," Today, even
though Grandma has been with the Lord for many
years, the older children often talk about the
precious times they had at Grandma's house.
Insight On Visiting The Lonely
45
NOW YOU PAUSE
I was regretting the past
and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking,
“My name is I AM.”
HE PAUSED…I WAITED...HE CONTINUED…
When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
It is hard. I am not there
my name is not, I was.
HE PAUSED…I WAITED...HE CONTINUED…
When you live in the future
with its problems and fears,
It is hard. I am not there
my name is not, I will be.
HE PAUSED…I WAITED...HE CONTINUED...
But when you live "this moment"
It is not hard.
I am here
my name is, I AM.
Now you pause
He is waiting
Your friend, I AM
NOW, BE COMFORTED BY, I AM.
Author's Note: "I AM" is the name God chose for
Himself and it denotes His ever presence.
Healing Words for Lonely People
46
VI. Invitation to a Friend
Perhaps, as you have read these instructions
and practical principles you have been helped, but
there is STILL something missing. Something is
still wrong. You do not have the peace which you
long to have.
You strive to be a good person and you
believe in God but something is lacking. You are
even religious and belong to a church, and with the
passing of a loved one and the difficulties which
you have faced you have begun to work harder at
being a Christian. But in spite of everything you
do; in spite of all your prayers and tears, you do
not have the assurance you long for.
There may be someone who openly
confesses, "I do not know this friend Jesus you
keep talking about.”
Would you like to know Him?
Would you like for Him to become a friend
who will never leave you nor forsake you?
Would you like to have a deep seated peace
and assurance that Jesus is your personal Saviour
and will receive you into heaven someday?
There is a Scripture in the book of
Revelation, last book of the Bible, which pictures
Jesus standing at your heart's door. Listen to Him
as He speaks in Chapter 3 and verse 20:
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any
man [person] hear my voice, and open the door,
I will come in..."
The uncertainty and emptiness which one
47
feels is God's way of showing a person of their
need. Jesus wants to come in and fill that vacuum
and give peace and assurance. He is standing at
your heart's door and longs to come in and be your
friend and Saviour.
Why don't you just ask Him to come in? He
said, if any would open their heart’s door and say,
"Come in Jesus...I will come in,
Please note the rest of the verse. "… I will come
in to him, and will sup with him, and he with
me." Sup means He will come and be your friend
and have fellowship with you. He will replace that
loneliness with joy. He will replace that
uncertainty with confidence and assurance. He will
replace that emptiness with fullness, that fear with
love -- that unfulfilling religion with satisfying
salvation. It is a free gift, and all God requires is
for one to turn from their sins, honestly confess
their need and receive and trust Jesus as their
Saviour.
Now just bow your head and invite Jesus to
come into your heart. He wants to…, He will…if
you will only invite Him to come in.
JUST SAY…
“Dear Jesus, please come in… I receive
you as my Saviour and friend…”
Healing Words for Lonely People
48
SAFELY HOME
I am home in Heaven, dear ones,
Oh, so happy and so bright,
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief are over,
Every restless tossing passed.
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Then you must not grieve so sorely
For I love you dearly still,
Try to look beyond earth’s shadows,
Pray to trust our Father’s will.
There is work still waiting for you,
So now you must not idly stand.
Do it now while life remaineth,
Soon you shall rest in Jesus’ land.
When that work is all completed
He will gently call you home;
Oh! The rapture of that meeting
Oh! The joy to see you come.
(Author Unknown)

BIBLICAL COUNSELLING I

SLBC
Christian Counseling One
LESSON ONE
Practical
Counseling
Principles
for
Christians
Dr.
Jeff
Owens
Practical
Counseling
Principles
for
Christians
A Book About Biblical Counsel
and How to Give It
ISBN #
0-9649393-1-2
Library of Congress
Catalog Card Number
97-095058
© 1998
OWENS PUBLICATIONS
PO BOX 1597
MARTINSBURG, WEST VIRGINIA 25402
(304) 229-1338
VISIT OUR WEB SITE AT:
www.owenspublications.com
COVER DESIGN: HARROD ADVERTISING, HIGHLAND, INDIANA
ALL SCRIPTURE QUOTATIONS ARE FROM
THE KING JAMES BIBLE.
PRINTED AND BOUND IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
The saddest thought I had while
preparing the material for this book
is that many counselors will read it
to help others while they personally
need to seek counsel for themselves.
If the captain of the ship does
not get help when he needs it and
his own life is shipwrecked, who will
save the crew? Don’t let your pride
keep you from seeking counsel.
Dedication
I joyfully dedicate this book to
my father, Eugene Nelson Owens,
Jr., who is the founder and pastor
of the Trinity Baptist Church of
Elizabethtown, Kentucky. He is
also the best Christian I know.
The decision to dedicate this
counseling book to him was a very
obvious one for me to make. He
has been my counselor, father, and
friend throughout my life. He has
spent many long hours counseling
me and helping me make right
decisions. Every decision he has
helped me to make has been the
right one. He counseled me as a
child, a teenager, a young single
adult, and a young married man—first without children and then
with children. He is now one of the people to whom my children turn
for godly counsel also.
He counseled me when I was a laborer, a deacon, a machinist, a
Bible college student, and a preacher. He continues to counsel me
now that I am on a pastoral staff. Through all of these times, he has
been able to maintain a warm father-son relationship. He has been a
steady and dependable counselor. Most of all, he has established a
friendship with his son that will stand the test of time.
He loved me when I was right and when I was wrong. I owe my
ministry to him. I love my father with all of my heart.
– Jeff Owens
Eugene N. Owens, Jr.
Born: June 7, 1941
Anderson, Indiana
Acknowledgments
I want to thank the following people for helping me to compile the
contents of this book:
My wife, Schery Owens
Mrs. Linda Stubblefield
Mrs. Karen Kalapp
Mrs. Martha Gilbert
Mrs. Leigh Kemmitt
Mrs. Julie Busby
Mrs. Stephanie Ewart
Mrs. Rhonda Craig
Mrs. Lisa Pyle
Mrs. Becky Ramsey
Miss Jessica Webb
Miss Jennifer Webb
Miss Deborah Webb
I want to give a special thank you to Mr. Michael Parris for all his help
with my computer.
I want to give a special thank you to Chip Dowdey for the drawing
of Pastor Eugene N. Owens, Jr., on the “Dedication” page.
I want to express my appreciation to the following men for
teaching me how to counsel by giving me godly counsel:
Dr. Jack Hyles
Dr. Maurice Paulson
Pastor Eugene Owens, Jr.
The counsel and teachings in this book that the aforementioned
men have produced is used with their permission.
Table of Contents
Foreword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
“I Am Your Office” by Dr. Jack Hyles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
THE COUNSELOR
1 Counseling and God’s Wisdom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
2 Counseling and Its Importance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
3 Counseling and the Counselor Preparing Himself
to Counsel God’s People . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29
4 Counseling and the Counselor Personally Seeking Counsel . . 42
5 Counseling and the Power of the Holy Spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
6 Counseling and Character . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57
7 Counseling and the Counselor’s Office Decor, Manner,
and Procedures . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
8 Counseling and the Counselor’s Wardrobe and Grooming . . 69
9 Counseling and Hope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
10 Counseling and the Importance of Patience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
11 Counseling Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
COUNSELING GUIDELINES
12 Counseling of Different Types and Descriptions . . . . . . . . . . 85
13 Counseling and Three Biblical Types of People
Who Seek Counsel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93
14 Counseling Illustrations from the Bible . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
15 Counseling Guidelines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110
16 Counseling and Being Fair to Other Preachers . . . . . . . . . . . 118
17 Counseling and Being Fair to the Person
Seeking Counsel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122
18 Counseling and Being Fair to People Other
Than the Person Seeking Counsel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 128
19 Counseling with Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
20 Counseling with Teenagers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
21 Counseling and How to Choose What Advice to Give . . . . 143
22 Counseling on How to Rebuild a Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
COUNSELING TOPICS
23 Counseling on Salvation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
24 Counseling and Helping Those Who Are Bitter . . . . . . . . . 162
25 Counseling on Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
26 Counseling and the One Who Is Contemplating Suicide . . 182
27 Counseling on Finances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189
28 Counseling and Helping a Person
to Overcome Bad Habits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
29 Counseling on Employment Opportunities
and Job Changes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220
30 Counseling and Helping Others Learn How
to Make Decisions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224
31 Counseling the Discouraged . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
32 Counseling and General Principles I Never Change . . . . . . 232
COUNSELING ON MARRIAGE
33 Counseling Before an Engagement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 243
34 Counseling During the Engagement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247
35 Counseling on Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 254
36 Counseling on Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 263
37 Counseling and the Death of a Mate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 268
38 Counseling and Necessary Separation
for Married Couples . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 272
39 Counseling About Miscarriages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 275
COUNSELING SCRIPTURE CONCORDANCE
40 Counseling Concordance of Bible Verses by Topic . . . . . . . 282
13
Foreword
THIS BOOK IS Jeff Owens in print. It is Jeff Owens reflected on
paper. It is the heart of Jeff Owens. He has authored other
books and articles, but none reveal the real Jeff Owens as
does this excellent manuscript on counseling. Brother Owens is basically a
counselor. He counsels as he teaches his Sunday school class; he counsels
many hours in his office; he counsels as he preaches powerful messages; he
counsels by his life as he is an example for others to follow and emulate.
1. Who he is. Jeff Owens is an assistant pastor of the First Baptist
Church of Hammond, Indiana. He is a faculty member at Hyles-Anderson
College.
2. What he is. First and foremost, Jeff Owens is a good Christian.
He believes right and practices what he believes. He preaches right and
practices what he preaches. He stands right and practices where he stands.
He walks right and practices what he walks.
Jeff Owens is Christian character. He is punctual, disciplined, and
diligent. He embodies what Christian character was intended to be.
Jeff Owens is loyal—loyal to his Christ, loyal to his church, loyal to
his friends, and loyal to his preacher. He does not absorb all the love of his
followers but shares it with those whom he follows.
Jeff Owens is a friend. He is my personal friend, and he is a true friend
to all whom he has given his friendship.
3. What he does. Jeff Owens is the director of the high school
Bible Clubs in the Northwest Indiana area and in the south Chicago
suburban areas. These clubs are public school teenagers organized through
the public schools; then they are brought to Sunday school and church on
Sunday. Hundreds of these public school teens trust Christ as Saviour every
year, and scores of them go on to serve God full-time. Jeff Owens leads the
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 14 FOR CHRISTIANS
largest number of high school Bible Clubs in the world.
Jeff Owens directs the “E” Bus Ministry, which is a very unusual
work. This in not the bus ministry that goes into the ghettos and into the
homes of the poor and needy. This is a bus ministry that goes into middleclass
and upper-class neighborhoods and reaches the “up and outers.”
Rarely is there a Sunday but what some of these people walk the aisle
professing faith in Christ as Saviour.
Jeff Owens teaches at Hyles-Anderson College. He teaches such
courses as New Testament Survey, Old Testament Survey, Pastoral
Counseling, How to Build an Adult Sunday School Class, etc. He is a
valued member of our faculty.
Jeff Owens teaches the largest couples class at First Baptist Church
of Hammond. Just a few years ago he started this class with nothing but an
empty room and now has a large, well-organized Bible class.
Jeff Owens is many other things. He is phenomenal in his work.
4. What he has. He has strength and yet tenderness. He has love
and yet convictions and standards. He has diligence and yet time for
everyone.
I was asked to write a foreword for this book, but Jeff Owens is the
book, and the book is Jeff Owens. You will see the qualities that I have
mentioned as you browse the pages of this needed manuscript.
–Dr. Jack Hyles
15
“I Am Your Office”
by Dr. Jack Hyles
I am your office;
I know no greater thrill!
You’ve helped me be, midst other things,
A clinic to the ill.
Within my walls you’ve helped me be
A school where truth’s revealed.
You’ve made my walls a judgment hall
Where justice is appealed.
I’ve witnessed youth reclaimed for God,
And marriages re-healed.
I see a very sacred spot,
The place you often kneel.
I’ve witnessed resurrected plans
And hopes rise from the dead.
I’ve watched you plan and weep and sigh,
To lift a fallen head.
And through my roof have risen prayers,
And answers come back through
As miracles I’ve often seen,
As God has answered you.
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 16 FOR CHRISTIANS
My carpet’s caught a lot of tears
From both sides of the desk.
My windows open wide to you
That you may do your best.
Yes, I’m your office,
And we together form a team,
Where both of us can live and love
And help and pray and dream.
[Written especially for Dr. Jeff Owens; December 11, 1996]
The
CounseloR
“Selfishness kills compassion.”
–Dr. Lee Roberson
18
I
CounselinG
and
God’s Wisdom
IBELIEVE THAT WISDOM is the ability to see life through the eyes
of God. If counselors can get wisdom, they can give good
counsel. People do not need a counselor’s guidance as much as
they need God’s guidance. People seeking counsel often don’t need a
counselor’s opinions as much as they need God’s opinion. A counselor
needs God’s wisdom so that he can offer something of value to the one who
is being counseled. The following teachings all have to do with
wisdom—God’s wisdom.
1. The counselor should seek wisdom on a daily basis. Proverbs
8:34 says, “Blessed is the man that heareth me [wisdom], watching daily at my
gates, waiting at the posts of my doors.”
2. The counselor who seeks and finds God’s wisdom daily will
find his days to be more productive. “Length of days is in her right hand; and
in her left hand riches and honour.” (Proverbs 3:16)
3. The earlier in life one seeks wisdom, the better. Also, seeking
wisdom early in the day is necessary. “I love them that love me; and those that
seek me early shall find me.” (Proverbs 8:17)
4. The one who obtains wisdom in his youth is a blessing to his
parents. “The proverbs of Solomon. A wise son maketh a glad father: but a
COUNSELING AND GOD’S WISDOM 19
foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.” (Proverbs 10:1)
5. Not only will one’s parents enjoy a child’s wisdom, the child
will also have a more enjoyable life. Proverbs 3:17 says, “Her ways are ways
of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.”
6. A longer life is available to those who seek and find wisdom.
Proverbs 4:10 teaches, “Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years
of thy life shall be many.”
7. Wisdom may be obtained from other wise people. “He that
walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”
(Proverbs 13:20)
8. Wisdom can be obtained from God’s Word. “The law of the
LORD is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD is sure, making
wise the simple.” (Psalm 19:7)
9. Wisdom will increase one’s practice of Biblical principles
concerning finances. Proverbs 8:20 and 21 says, “I lead in the way of
righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment: That I may cause those that
love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.” Also, Proverbs 22:7
teaches, “The rich ruleth over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the
lender.”
10. One should consciously seek God’s wisdom in God’s way.
“Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting at the
posts of my doors.” (Proverbs 8:34)
A. Prayerfully seek wisdom. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lack
wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth
not; and it shall be given him.”
B. Lovingly seek God’s wisdom. Proverbs 8:17 says, “I love them
that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.”
C. Earnestly seek God’s wisdom. Proverbs 2:1-7 teaches, “My son,
if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So
that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to
understanding; Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice
for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for
hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find
the knowledge of God. For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth
cometh knowledge and understanding. He layeth up sound wisdom for the
righteous: he is a buckler to them that walk uprightly.”
D. With much thought, seek God’s wisdom. “O how love I thy law!
it is my meditation all the day. Thou through thy commandments hast
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 20 FOR CHRISTIANS
made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me. I have more
understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.”
(Psalm 119:97-99)
11. Wisdom often comes as a result of the hardships and trials
(testings) of life. Proverbs 15:31 says, “The ear that heareth the reproof of life
abideth among the wise.”
12. Wisdom will increase God’s use of one’s influence because
others will respect the evidence of his use of God’s wisdom. “The wise
shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.” (Proverbs 3:35)
13. Wisdom will increase one’s ability to lead. Proverbs 8:14-16
says, “Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength.
By me kings reign, and princes decree justice. By me princes rule, and nobles, even
all the judges of the earth.”
14. One who seeks God’s wisdom receives God’s attention and
favor. “Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at my gates, waiting
at the posts of my doors. For whoso findeth me findeth life, and shall obtain favour
of the LORD.” (Proverbs 8:34, 35)
15. We must ask ourselves the following question: Do we have
God’s wisdom? To discover the answer to this question, we should ask
ourselves the following questions and answer them truthfully.
A. Do we talk too much? “In the multitude of words there wanteth
not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” (Proverbs 10:19)
B. Do we look for the opportunity to win souls? “The fruit of the
righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.” (Proverbs
11:30)
C. Do we seek God’s guidance for our life? “Give instruction to a
wise man, and he will be yet wiser: teach a just man, and he will increase
in learning.” (Proverbs 9:9)
D. If a lady, do you desire to have a home that is pleasing to God?
“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down
with her hands.” (Proverbs 14:1)
E. Do we seek godly counsel? “He that trusteth in his own heart is a
fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.” (Proverbs 28:26)
F. Do we appreciate it when someone shows us errors in our life?
“Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee: rebuke a wise man, and he will
love thee.” (Proverbs 9:8)
G. Do we work hard? “He that gathereth in summer is a wise son: but
he that sleepeth in harvest is a son that causeth shame.” (Proverbs 10:5)
COUNSELING AND GOD’S WISDOM 21
H. Do we use our conversation to help others? “There is that
speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health.”
(Proverbs 12:18)
I. Do we obey our parents? “A wise son heareth his father’s
instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke.” (Proverbs 13:1)
J. Do we obey the rules of our leaders? “The wise in heart will
receive commandments: but a prating fool shall fall.” (Proverbs 10:8)
What we do with the wisdom of God may determine what God can
do with us. The things we have learned from God are the only things worth
learning from us. We need to stop and ask ourselves, “How much do I have
to offer others?”
22
II
CounselinG
and
Its Importance
LIFE IS A series of relationships, and with those relationships
come decisions. Some people learn the hard way that
experience is not the best teacher; they do not seek counsel.
Others realize that someone else’s experience is the best teacher; they seek
advice or guidance from a knowledgeable person.
1. Because counseling is important, it should be done properly.
II Samuel 16:23 says, “And the counsel of Ahithophel, which he counselled in
those days, was as if a man had enquired at the oracle of God: so was all the
counsel of Ahithophel both with David and with Absalom.” This verse clearly
indicates that when Ahithophel counseled, it was as if he had inquired at
the oracle of God. In this verse, the oracle of God means a person
considered to be a source of wise counsel or authority.
The right kind of counseling should be done so people feel as if they
are receiving counsel straight from God. I am saying without reservation
that one’s counsel should be what God would counsel. One way of assuring
that a person’s counsel does come from God is to read and reread His Book.
2. One of the best examples of a Bible counselor was Moses. I
believe that Moses may well have been the busiest counselor in the Bible.
Moses spent 40 of his 120 years leading the one to three million children of
COUNSELING AND ITS IMPORTANCE 23
Israel out of Egypt and through the wilderness. No doubt, with that many
people traveling so closely together, disputes and problems arose that
needed constant mediation.
Exodus 18 gives an account of Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, worrying
over the health of his son-in-law. “And when Moses’ father in law saw all that
he did to the people, he said, What is this thing that thou doest to the people? why
sittest thou thyself alone, and all the people stand by thee from morning unto even?
Hearken now unto my voice, I will give thee counsel, and God shall be with thee:
Be thou for the people to God-ward, that thou mayest bring the causes unto God:
And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, and shalt shew them the way
wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do. Moreover thou shalt
provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating
covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of
hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens: And let them judge the people at all
seasons: and it shall be, that every great matter they shall bring unto thee, but
every small matter they shall judge: so shall it be easier for thyself, and they shall
bear the burden with thee.” (Exodus 18:14, 19-22)
Moses was such a busy man, he was instructed to appoint wise men
to be counselors for the multitudes of people. He instructed his counselors
to care for the small matters, while he would care for the great matters.
Counsel must be very important to God.
3. Every counselor should have a cabinet of counselors, and he
should teach people seeking counsel to have their own cabinet of
counselors. Ezra 7:28 teaches that King Artaxerxes had counselors. “And
hath extended mercy unto me before the king, and his counsellors, and before all
the king’s mighty princes. And I was strengthened as the hand of the LORD my
God was upon me, and I gathered together out of Israel chief men to go up with
me.” Artaxerxes had a cabinet of seven counselors, and in Esther 1:14 the
names of Artaxerxes’ cabinet of seven are listed. As we carefully read and
study the Bible, we will find many people had a cabinet of counselors.
I find it to be a strange thing that the President of the United States
has enough sense to have a cabinet of counselors, while most Christians do
not have a cabinet. We should choose a cabinet of people who are wiser in
given areas than we are. We should allow our counselor to give us advice
and guidance in his given field. We should allow that counselor to have
veto power in our lives.
The following people should be in any person’s cabinet of counselors.
C A pastor. “And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 24 FOR CHRISTIANS
some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers.” (Ephesians 4:11) Every
person should seek the counsel of his pastor—especially on the big decisions
of life.
C A real friend. “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the
countenance of his friend.” (Proverbs 27:17) This verse is not speaking of
some acquaintance or what the world would call a friend. This verse is
talking about a Scriptural, Biblical friend who would be truthful.
C Someone successful in your chosen field of service.
C A spiritual mother. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your
parents in the Lord: for this is right.”
C A spiritual father. Proverbs 1:8 teaches, “My son, hear the
instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother.”
C A wise person. Not all wise people are great soul winners. “For
by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counsellors there is
safety.” (Proverbs 24:6)
C A soul winner. Not all soul winners possess great wisdom. “The
fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.” (Proverbs
11:30)
In the Bible, the number seven often represents a number of
completion or a number of perfection. I believe it just might be very wise to
have seven people in your cabinet of counselors—especially the seven I
have listed.
In my study and searching of the Bible about counseling, as well as
having had hundreds of counseling appointments, I have made the
following general observations about the great importance of Biblical
counsel:
1. Bad counsel brings tragedy. “Behold, these caused the children
of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in
the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.”
(Numbers 31:16)
2. A nation was rebuked for being devoid of counsel. “For they
are a nation void of counsel, neither is there any understanding in them.”
(Deuteronomy 32:28)
3. Following proper counsel can save lives. “Now therefore come,
let me, I pray thee, give thee counsel, that thou mayest save thine own life, and the
life of thy son Solomon.” (I Kings 1:12)
4. Following bad counsel caused Rehoboam’s downfall. “But he
forsook the counsel of the old men, which they had given him, and consulted with
COUNSELING AND ITS IMPORTANCE 25
the young men that were grown up with him, and which stood before him.”
(I Kings 12:8)
“And the king answered the people roughly, and forsook the old men’s
counsel that they gave him.” (I Kings 12:13)
“But he forsook the counsel which the old men gave him, and took counsel
with the young men that were brought up with him, that stood before him.”
(II Chronicles 10:8)
“And the king answered them roughly; and king Rehoboam forsook the
counsel of the old men.” (II Chronicles 10:13)
5. Saul died partly as a result of seeking bad counsel. “So Saul
died for his transgression which he committed against the LORD, even against the
word of the LORD, which he kept not, and also for asking counsel of one that had
a familiar spirit, to enquire of it.” (I Chronicles 10:13)
6. Ahaziah’s downfall was accepting counsel from his wicked
mother, Athaliah. “Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to
reign, and he reigned one year in Jerusalem. His mother’s name also was Athaliah
the daughter of Omri. He also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab: for his
mother was his counsellor to do wickedly. Wherefore he did evil in the sight of the
LORD like the house of Ahab: for they were his counsellors after the death of his
father to his destruction. He walked also after their counsel, and went with
Jehoram the son of Ahab king of Israel to war against Hazael king of Syria at
Ramoth-gilead: and the Syrians smote Joram.” (II Chronicles 22:2-5) Not only
did he receive counsel from Athaliah, he also accepted the advice of
members of the wicked house of Ahab—Athaliah’s peers.
7. Following wise counsel aided in the revival under Hezekiah.
“For the king had taken counsel, and his princes, and all the congregation in
Jerusalem, to keep the passover in the second month. And the whole assembly took
counsel to keep other seven days: and they kept other seven days with gladness.”
(II Chronicles 30:2, 23)
8. Part of Ezra’s revival included accepting wise counsel. “And
that whosoever would not come within three days, according to the counsel of the
princes and the elders, all his substance should be forfeited, and himself separated
from the congregation of those that had been carried away.” (Ezra 10:8)
9. We are not to counsel with a wicked or ungodly person.
“Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth
in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.” (Psalm 1:1)
“Yet he filled their houses with good things: but the counsel of the wicked
is far from me.” (Job 22:18)
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 26 FOR CHRISTIANS
“Lo, their good is not in their hand: the counsel of the wicked is far from
me.” (Job 21:16)
“The thoughts of the righteous are right: but the counsels of the wicked are
deceit.” (Proverbs 12:5)
10. Counseling was foretold as one of the ministries of Jesus
Christ. “ For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government
shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor,
The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Of the increase
of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and
upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice
from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this.”
(Isaiah 9:6, 7)
11. Wise people will listen to wise counsel. “The way of a fool is
right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” (Proverbs
12:15)
12. Failure often is a result of a lack of counsel. “Without counsel
purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are
established.” (Proverbs 15:22)
13. Following wise counsel helps in old age. “Hear counsel, and
receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.” (Proverbs 19:20)
14. Counsel will give a person depth. “Counsel in the heart of man
is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)
15. Wise counsel helps confirm one’s decisions. “Every purpose
is established by counsel: and with good advice make war.” (Proverbs 20:18)
16. Seek counsel from real friends who will be honest. “Ointment
and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty
counsel.” (Proverbs 27:9)
17. A person’s own counsel alone will not suffice in his
Christian walk. “The steps of his strength shall be straitened, and his own
counsel shall cast him down.” (Job 18:7)
“Destroy thou them, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; cast them
out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee.”
(Psalm 5:10)
“So I gave them up unto their own hearts’ lust: and they walked in their
own counsels.” (Psalm 81:12)
“But they hearkened not, nor inclined their ear, but walked in the counsels
and in the imagination of their evil heart, and went backward, and not forward.”
(Jeremiah 7:24)
COUNSELING AND ITS IMPORTANCE 27
18. As I noted earlier in this chapter, everyone needs a wise
counselor. “And the lot eastward fell to Shelemiah. Then for Zechariah his son,
a wise counsellor, they cast lots; and his lot came out northward.” (I Chronicles
26:14)
“Also Jonathan David’s uncle was a counsellor, a wise man, and a scribe:
and Jehiel the son of Hachmoni was with the king’s sons.” (I Chronicles 27:32)
19. Joseph of Arimathæa was a counselor. “Joseph of Arimathæa,
an honourable counsellor, which also waited for the kingdom of God, came, and
went in boldly unto Pilate, and craved the body of Jesus.” (Mark 15:43)
20. Many Old Testament kings had hired counselors.“Forasmuch
as thou art sent of the king, and of his seven counsellors, to enquire concerning
Judah and Jerusalem, according to the law of thy God which is in thine hand.”
(Ezra 7:14)
“And hath extended mercy unto me before the king, and his counsellors,
and before all the king’s mighty princes. And I was strengthened as the hand of the
LORD my God was upon me, and I gathered together out of Israel chief men to
go up with me.” (Ezra 7:28)
“And weighed unto them the silver, and the gold, and the vessels, even the
offering of the house of our God, which the king, and his counsellors, and his
lords, and all Israel there present, had offered.” (Ezra 8:25)
“Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonied, and rose up in haste, and
spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the
midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king.” (Daniel
3:24)
“At the same time my reason returned unto me; and for the glory of my
kingdom, mine honour and brightness returned unto me; and my counsellors and
my lords sought unto me; and I was established in my kingdom, and excellent
majesty was added unto me.” (Daniel 4:36)
“All the presidents of the kingdom, the governors, and the princes, the
counsellors, and the captains, have consulted together to establish a royal statute,
and to make a firm decree, that whosoever shall ask a petition of any God or man
for thirty days, save of thee, O king, he shall be cast into the den of lions.”
(Daniel 6:7)
“And Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s counsellor, from
his city, even from Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was
strong; for the people increased continually with Absalom.” (II Samuel 15:12)
“And Ahithophel was the king’s counsellor: and Hushai the Archite was
the king’s companion.” (I Chronicles 27:33)
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 28 FOR CHRISTIANS
One of the duties of the pastorate will be counseling. One’s duties as
a counselor are prescribed in the Scripture—they are made very clear. The
pastor should not expect his people to go to professional counselors and
psychologists. The pastor is supposed to be capable of counseling. He is
supposed to make sure he is educated enough to counsel wisely; therefore,
he should be well-educated in the Word of God.
29
III
Counseling
and
The Counselor Preparing
Himself to Counsel God’s People
EVERY COUNSELOR NEEDS to be prepared to counsel God’s
people. He needs to be prepared mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually. The following 20 points are ways counselors can
prepare themselves.
1. Every counselor needs to seek counsel for himself because
he will remember to use it later. “Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that
thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.” (Proverbs 19:20) Some counselors need
to be seeking counsel and getting answers to the situations in life that they
personally face. Someday we will be reproducing those answers. Each person
is basically the sum total of the experiences of others. A counselor can only
reproduce counsel in the areas where he has sought advice and received
answers. A counselor’s answers will, of necessity, come from God’s Word,
God, or God’s man. If I were to ask someone how he would counsel a given
situation, I dare say the first thing he would do is search his mind for
whether or not he had ever received counsel concerning that matter.
Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, a person gives the counsel given
him—especially if it worked. However, some counselors wouldn’t have very
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 30 FOR CHRISTIANS
much to give because they never seek counsel. How tragic!
As a young married man, my wife and I had a rough time for a month
or two. I was very busy working many hours, and, as a result, I became very
edgy. Truthfully, I was not as sensitive to her needs as I should have been.
My wife talked to the pastor about our situation; the pastor called me to his
office. During that short “mandatory” counseling session, he made a
statement that helped me so much. “Jeff, never let the sun go down on your
wrath as far as your marriage is concerned. I don’t believe a married couple
should ever go to bed angry with one another. I believe you should stay up
as late as it takes to fix the problem. Then and only then should you go to
bed.”
When a young couple takes anger to bed with them, a wall is erected
between them and their physical relationship. The Bible makes it very clear
that a married couple are to give themselves to each other. A wife may
think, “I’ll get the attention I need by withholding myself from him.” What
a wife is more apt to do is to send her spouse somewhere else to have his
physical needs fulfilled.
Of course, anyone who would go outside the marriage for physical
contact is very wrong. It is also wrong for a spouse to stop the physical
relationship because he is angry. Husbands and wives cannot let the sun go
down upon their wrath when it comes to marriage. Kissing and making up
is probably about one of the greatest ways of reconciliation on the face of
the earth.
I have used that pastor’s sound Scriptural advice about my marriage
hundreds of times with other young couples. However, some so-called
counselors will have nothing to remember or from which to draw because
they refuse to seek counsel for themselves. Every counselor needs to be
seeking advice because someday someone will seek counsel from him,
someone in whom he needs to repay the investments made in him.
2. Every counselor needs to constantly beg God for wisdom. “If
any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and
upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” (James 1:5) The wise counselor will
show God this verse and claim it every time he prays.
3. Every counselor should go soul winning. “The fruit of the
righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.” (Proverbs 11:30)
There is no greater confidence builder to prove to a Christian he has the
power of God than to personally see someone saved. When a counselor
needs extra wisdom, it would be wise to do extra soul winning. After soul
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 31
winning, he can quote Proverbs 11:30 to God and ask Him for more
wisdom.
4. Every counselor needs to read and become knowledgeable
about many subjects. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but
fools despise wisdom and instruction. My son, hear the instruction of thy father,
and forsake not the law of thy mother.” (Proverbs 1:7, 8) Through the years
I have found that approximately 50 percent of counseling is about marriage,
children, and finances. Fundamental Baptists should not run from teaching
on these subjects because the neo-evangelicals happen to specialize on
them. We should read, make notations in, and know the following books:
A. The King James Bible, of course.
B. How to Rear Infants, How to Rear Children, and How to Rear
Teenagers by Dr. Jack Hyles.
C. The Home by Dr. John R. Rice.
D. CHARACTER: The One Thing Money Can’t Buy-The One
Thing You Can’t Afford to Be Without! by Dr. Jeff Owens.
E. Woman, the Assembler by Beverly Hyles.
F. Help Lord! They Call Me Mom! by Marlene Evans.
I believe that fundamental Baptists should limit their reading to
material written by the people who believe the way we believe. I personally
only read that which is written by independent, fundamental, separated,
King James Bible, New Testament Baptist church authors. I don’t read a lot
of outside reading because it would cause me to not be faithful enough to
my Bible.
5. Every counselor should think about the person and his
situation before counseling with him. A counselor must prepare his heart
for those seeking counsel. He cannot allow himself to become mechanical
because people are not machines.
6. Every counselor should pray for wisdom before every
counseling session. Before someone steps into the office, every counselor
should kneel behind the door and ask God to give wisdom to two
people—himself and the one seeking counsel. If I have all the wisdom God
can make available, but the person being counseled hasn’t enough wisdom
to listen and obey, I will not be much help to him.
7. Every counselor should hear out the person seeking advice
before giving his counsel. “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it,
it is folly and shame unto him.” (Proverbs 18:13) Some counselors
prematurely answer questions that were not asked or try to answer a matter
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 32 FOR CHRISTIANS
without hearing the entire issue. The Bible says that is not wise. I have yet
to find a counselor who truly has what I call a “Baptist word of knowledge.”
A counselor does not already know all of the problems, and he doesn’t
already know everything that is needed without talking to the person.
Perhaps a counselor’s speculations about the situation are right, but he
should ask questions of the person seeking counsel. He cannot afford to
decide his advice in advance.
8. When there is a two-party situation, every counselor should
listen to both sides before giving advice. “He that is first in his own cause
seemeth just; but his neighbour cometh and searcheth him.” (Proverbs 18:17)
Two-party problems are best solved with two parties being present. For
instance, I don’t do marriage counseling with only one spouse present. I
must have both people present to try to fix the marriage relationship. I can
fix an individual with that individual present. I can help an individual know
how to live right, but I need to hear both sides of the story in a two-party
problem. We counselors must make sure we listen to any and all sides of a
dispute to be fair to all people involved.
9. Every counselor needs to preach to his people’s needs. “The
Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach
good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to
proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are
bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance
of our God; to comfort all that mourn.” (Isaiah 61:1, 2) When we preachers
preach to our people’s needs, we will prevent much one-on-one counseling
or private counseling. By so doing, I am basically doing what I call “public
counseling”; that is, counseling them as a group.
Many times, if our people hear the preaching, the preaching will solve
their problems. Isaiah 61:1 and 2 lists some purposes of preaching: (1) to
bind up the brokenhearted; (2) to proclaim liberty to those who are
bound—by temper, by pride, by sins against the body, etc.; and (3) to
comfort. What do we do in counseling? We bring comfort, help solve
problems, and help people rise above the things that are destroying them.
Let me share a few ideas concerning this concept of counseling from
the pulpit. I may go to my pulpit and say, “Because of counseling sessions
lately, I have noticed that many of us are struggling with a certain situation.
This evening I want to help all of us by using the Bible together to solve
that particular problem.” We preachers cannot preach to our people’s needs
when we get all our sermons from someone else. The Holy Spirit will lead
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 33
us to study our Bible and preach to our people’s needs.
Through public counseling we preachers need to teach the people to
do right. The time spent between the opportunity to do right and the actual
doing of right will be spent rationalizing the doing of wrong. I have found
when I preach on a certain subject that I am less likely to offend people with
it than when I meet them face to face in my office. I am far better off
making a statement to my people and letting it apply to 500 people in the
building as opposed to making that statement to one person while in a oneon-
one counseling appointment. When we get down to one-on-one
counseling, it can be very hard on relationships. However, I will continue
to preach the truth with or without the good relationship with my people,
though I would not intentionally try to ruin the relationships I have built.
I have found there are seasons when people struggle more in given
areas.
A. During the Christmas and New Year seasons, people get very
depressed. Statistics show more suicides occur at that time than any
other time of the year. Why? One reason is because people who are
routinely lonely are extremely lonely at Christmastime because it is
a family time. If a person has no family or is estranged from his family,
depression can come.
Another cause of depression is people spending too much
money during this season. When January arrives, facing the bills
causes depression. During November, a wise pastor may want to
begin to speak to his people about not overspending and being
satisfied with what they have. I keep myself from having to counsel
people in severe financial straits in January by counseling from the
pulpit during November and December.
B. During May, many must make new decisions. Why? It is the
natural time for graduation, and many people must make decisions
about the future. People become easily confused at graduation time.
What an important time for the pastor to be teaching on how to
make decisions in life.
10. A counselor may often need to say, “May I talk to you here
and now?” Counselors need to keep themselves in the mode of helping
people. They must always remember that people are more important than
things. People are also more important than business. When someone
comes to me and asks a very simple question, I cannot be such an elitist
about my pastoral duties that I say, “You may talk with me by getting an
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 34 FOR CHRISTIANS
appointment.” When a person comes to me to ask a question (and they
often do), I try to answer the question on the spot. The reason why I try to
answer the question immediately is because sometimes the person only
wanted to ask, “Where are the lightbulbs so I can change a broken bulb?”
Certainly, we will not always be able to stop in the hallway at church and
help someone on the spot, but we surely should have our hearts prepared
to help someone if we can.
If I can solve someone’s problem in one minute as opposed to
scheduling them with a 30-minute appointment, I have obviously saved
time. I try to answer the simple question with a simple answer. Simple
people often ask simple questions, so counselors don’t need to be
complicated counselors.
11. A wise counselor will use what I call the “line concept” after
church to make himself more readily available to his people. Let me
explain. If someone asks for an appointment, he is told, “If you will get in
line at Dr. Owens’ door after the Sunday morning, Sunday evening, or
Wednesday night church service, he will talk with you then.” After every
church service, a line of people stand at my door. I speak with each person
one at a time very quickly. Each person steps into my office and I ask,
“What can I do for you?” The person may say, “I need an appointment.”
Often I say, “Why don’t you ask your question now, and let’s see if we can
take care of the matter now.” If I can answer the question then, I do.
However, I only take a couple of minutes, and if I can’t answer immediately,
I give the person an appointment.
I find utilizing the “line concept” to be very fair. Everyone gets an
appointment the same way. I have a policy that the only way a person can
get an appointment with me is to get in line at my office. All have equal
access to the pastor in this way, and everyone knows how he can get to the
pastor. This concept also gets a person into church so he can set up his
appointment. I am amazed at how many times a person who won’t come to
church regularly will come to church in order to get an appointment.
However, I find if someone won’t come to hear the preaching, I can’t help
him much anyway.
The “line concept” also helps me to know who has the character to
do what I tell him. If someone won’t go through the effort of coming to my
office for an appointment, I doubt that he is going to have the character to
do what I tell him once he comes for the counseling time. I weed out many
characterless people (who don’t really want help anyway) by adding one
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 35
little step to getting an appointment. I also find that usually the ones who
won’t come to my office for an appointment don’t have the character to
show up for the appointment. In Proverbs 20:5, the Bible says, “Counsel in
the heart of man is like deep water; but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
A person seeking counsel must at least make it to the well.
12. A counselor should not schedule a requested appointment
for the same day unless it is a dire emergency. “Wherefore, my beloved
brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” (James
1:19) Allow me to quote from Dr. Wendell Evans: “An emergency today
will be an emergency tomorrow.” People will have emergencies crop up all
the time. Most are not nearly the emergency as claimed. Some severe
emergencies require an appointment that very same day; however, in most
cases the person needs to wait for his appointment. Patience is the
perfecter. God is capable of solving the problem without a counselor’s help,
and He may choose to do so while the person waits.
For instance, I wait three days before I counsel a marital
disagreement. I look at those three days like a decontamination period. I try
to give the couple a waiting period to adjust the pressure of the moment.
Some people panic for a few hours and then give a sigh of relief and say, “I
don’t know why I acted like I did.” The wise counselor will realize this
volatility of people and let it run its course. A counselor still needs to meet
with them later, but he also needs to let the panic run its course—especially
in marriage situations.
13. The wise counselor will not counsel someone who says he
has already received Bible counsel from a good Christian authority.
“Some therefore cried one thing, and some another: for the assembly was
confused; and the more part knew not wherefore they were come together.” Acts
19:32 speaks about an assembly of confused people. I Corinthians 14:33
says, “For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of
the saints.” Since the Bible cannot lie, surely God does not want His people
confused. The Bible teaches that a lack of knowledge confuses us in many
areas of our Christian life. According to Hosea 4:6, God’s people are
destroyed as a result of a lack of knowledge. God doesn’t want one
counselor to advise one thing and another counselor to advise something
different because diverse advice will confuse the one who is seeking
counsel. I have three reasons why I have a policy not to counsel a person
who has already received counsel from another.
A. If the person rejected the counsel of counselor #1, he is
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 36 FOR CHRISTIANS
probably going to reject counsel from me as well. If he has already
received counsel, why is he coming for more?
B. The person who goes from counselor to counselor could be
divisive. I stay by my policy—I don’t counsel people who have already
sought counsel from someone else. Not every counselor starts a
counseling session at the same place with the same approach, and
that could cause division. Though they are heading toward the same
destination, the different perspectives taken could cause trouble
between two counselors.
C. The person is more than likely looking for someone who agrees
with him. Many people look for someone who believes what they
believe so they can do what they want to do anyway. In truth, the
person is not wanting counsel; he is wanting agreement. He wants
someone who thinks his way. That is exactly why some people won’t
come to me for counsel! They know I will disagree with them because
they already know how I believe. “In those days there was no king in
Israel, but every man did that which was right in his own eyes.” (Judges
17:6)
At First Baptist Church of Hammond, we have many sincere men on
our church staff who would not hurt anyone on purpose, and they love the
people. Our pastor hired us to help him help his people, though we do not
have the same years of experience or the same level of wisdom as he does.
Some men on the pastoral staff have only five or ten years of experience.
Some may have 15 or 20 or even 25 or 30 years of experience. Some, like
Brother Hyles, even have 50 or more years of experience. So we have men
on the pastoral staff with five to 50 years of experience. Let me illustrate by
means of a chart.
If a person counsels with a staff man who has five years of experience,
the staff man will definitely start the person seeking counsel in the right
direction. However, the person seeking counsel will have four or five steps
to take to get to the solution, but he will get there. The counselor with 25
years of experience will not take the person seeking counsel through so
many steps. The distance between where the man is and his solution is a
shorter distance just by virtue of his counseling experience. Though the
counselor with lesser experience takes longer to arrive at a solution, he still
arrives at the same solution. Suppose a person seeks counsel from a man
with 50 years of experience. More than likely he has the solution. In one
statement, he may be able to say, “This is exactly what you need to do.” So
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 37
he gives a one-step solution. The solution is the goal, not how many steps
it takes to reach the goal.
A Counselor’s
Years of
Experience
The Number of Counseling
Steps It Will Take to Help
Solve a Problem
The
Counselor’s
Goal
5 years of experience 1 2 3 4 5 6 Solve problem
10 years of experience 1 2 3 4 5 Solve problem
20 years of experience 1 2 3 4 Solve problem
30 years of experience 1 2 3 Solve problem
40 years of experience 1 2 Solve problem
50 years of experience 1 Solve problem
The Solution
COUNSEL HOPPING CONFUSES PEOPLE
When the person seeking counsel starts with a counselor with five
years of experience, then hops to a counselor with 40 years of experience,
then goes to the counselor with ten years of experience and back to the
counselor with five years of experience, then back to the person with ten
years of experience, he will be confused. It will also take more steps to solve
the problem. People should be advised to go to a good, godly counselor and
stay with him through all the steps he advises.
When someone counsels with two different people on the same
subject, many times the end result is becoming bitter with leadership.
14. Every counselor should constantly claim wisdom. “If any of
you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and
upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” (James 1:5) If a man wants wisdom,
he must get it from God. He should ask God for wisdom, then ask God for
wisdom and ask God for wisdom and ask God for wisdom. By faith we need
to believe that God has given us some wisdom. I ask God for wisdom, and
then I claim it by faith. A time may come when we are going to be making
a couple hundred decisions a week. We don’t have an hour to beg God for
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 38 FOR CHRISTIANS
wisdom for each decision. We have to make decisions claiming the wisdom
God has given us. That is why we should be asking for wisdom all the time.
Counselors must keep an abundance of wisdom in the storehouse of their
minds and hearts.
15. Every counselor should prepare for counseling. The following
are some ways I prepare for counseling that I would like to suggest to
counselors:
A. Counselors need to read magazines in order to be
knowledgeable on many subjects.
B. Counselors need to read newspaper editorials with caution.
Sometimes a writer prepares an editorial about a topic when he has
absolutely no concept of what it takes to be successful in that given
field. He just happens to know how to write successfully. Knowing
how to write well certainly does not make him a professional in that
field about which he is writing. I personally am not very impressed
with a person who makes a few hundred dollars a week writing a
couple of paragraphs that critiques a millionaire.
C. Counselors need to live in the Bible. Joshua 1:8 says, “This book
of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein
day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is
written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then
thou shalt have good success.” We need to read the Bible more than we
study it. One reason why I don’t subscribe to newspapers is because
I just can’t seem to find enough time in my schedule to read my Bible
like I should. Someone may say, “Dr. Owens, you had better read all
those other sources to be balanced.” What that person is really saying
is that I should replace my Bible reading with other reading material.
I don’t care how badly we think we need balance. I don’t believe I
personally should pay that price to get balanced. The other reading
is not necessarily sinful; it’s just not perfectly pure like the Bible.
D. Counselors need to learn to read history. History will help
people to see from that which they have been saved.
E. Counselors need to read biographies of great men. I qualify that
point by saying people need to assimilate the character of the person,
but not necessarily his doctrine. Proverbs 13:20a says, “He that
walketh with wise men shall be wise.” When one reads the biographies
of great men like John Wesley or Charles Finney or Martin Luther,
he should read about their character and not their doctrine. Their
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 39
doctrine was not Baptist doctrine. “Great men are not always wise:
neither do the aged understand judgment.” (Job 32:9)
F. Counselors need to learn geography. They need to become
familiar with the countries of the world. If they know the Bible, they
know it is also a geography book of different countries; even prophecy
includes a study of geography.
G. Counselors should listen to the radio. Yes, listening to the radio
can be good. However, one will have a hard time finding a radio
station that doesn’t play rock music at some time. Finding a Christian
station that has not sold out to modernism is like finding a needle in
a few thousand haystacks.
H. Counselors need to ask someone who is more experienced if
they themselves gave the right counsel. In I Kings 12:6 the Bible says,
“And king Rehoboam consulted with the old men, that stood before
Solomon his father while he yet lived, and said, How do ye advise that I
may answer this people?” This Scripture illustrates the king seeking
counsel from the older wise men. After a counselor has given advice,
it may be wise for him to go to someone whom he trusts and ask, “I
advised thus-and-so. Is that the way you would have approached it?”
Some men believe they know everything. One thing that they don’t
know, but need to realize, is that they don’t know everything.
I. When a person has a problem and does not ask for advice, the
wise counselor will decide secretly how he would advise that person
if he was consulted. Psalm 39:3 says, “My heart was hot within me,
while I was musing the fire burned: then spake I with my tongue.” David
was a thinker who mused (thought or meditated) on the Word of
God. The opposite of muse is a-muse. We live in a society that seeks
amusement. What a blessing a counselor can be if someday someone
comes seeking advice and the counselor has already done his
homework by thinking through an appropriate answer.
J. Counselors should seek counsel and write down the advice they
receive. I Kings 4:32 says, “And he spake three thousand proverbs: and
his songs were a thousand and five.” Counselors need to have a log. The
Bible indicates that Solomon took the time to write down questions
and answers.
K. Counselors need to read and reread question-and-answer
books. It is very wise to learn what other people have learned. “The
steps of his strength shall be straitened, and his own counsel shall cast him
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 40 FOR CHRISTIANS
down.” (Job 18:7) Someone has said, “Every man knows something
I do not know. I must probe until I find it; hence, all men are my
teachers.”
L. Counselors need to be around all classes of people. The Bible
makes it very clear that Jesus was around the poor. “Hear this, all ye
people; give ear, all ye inhabitants of the world: Both low and high, rich
and poor, together. My mouth shall speak of wisdom; and the meditation
of my heart shall be of understanding.” (Psalm 49:1–3) Jesus’ disciples
were businessmen: one man owned a fishing business, one man was
a tax collector, one was a doctor. We counselors need to learn to be
comfortable around all classes of people if we are going to counsel all
people. I don’t believe for a moment that Jesus was intimidated by a
doctor or a tax collector. Not for one minute should a counselor be
intimidated by any businessman.
M. Counselors need to learn to be around all races of people. Acts
2:1 says, “And when the day of Pentecost was fully come, they were all
with one accord in one place.” Acts 2:5 says, “And there were dwelling at
Jerusalem Jews, devout men, out of every nation under heaven.” Every
race was present at Pentecost because God was interested in every
race; God wanted all to be saved. The little song says, “Red and
yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the
little children of the world.” Every man of every race is important to
God.
16. Counselors must prepare themselves to understand that they
cannot solve a person’s problems without that person’s help. Counselors
can merely offer answers. They should not become depressed counselors
because someone who has sought their help won’t do right.
17. Every counselor must prepare to weep. As his people are
hurting, he will need to weep for them and with them. If his people hurt
him, he will weep.
18. A wise counselor will prepare himself to be criticized for
some of his principles. I would rather try to help and fail than to do as
others do—try nothing and succeed. If we criticize someone for the help he
gives another, we should stop and ask ourselves what we did for that needy
person.
19. Every counselor needs to be prepared to walk alone. If the
counselor is a good buddy to each person in his church, they have traded
their counselor for a good buddy. If the counselor needs a friend, he should
THE COUNSELOR PREPARING HIMSELF 41
try Jesus. The life of a counselor must be one of loneliness when it comes to
human relationships.
20. Every counselor should be prepared to be unprepared. New
situations will always arise. He can buy time by asking the person who is
seeking counsel for time to pray about the situation. Then, he can go to the
Bible and to other counselors to search for the proper answer. No person
will ever know it all, so a counselor should not be shocked when it is proven
he doesn’t know all the answers!
Though I have been counseling since 1976, I still prepare daily to
counsel people when they seek my help. When we don’t prepare, we rob
God, Who wants to help us; we rob ourselves of the learning experience;
and we rob another of his time, which is his life. Let’s be prepared!
42
IV
CounselinG
and
The Counselor
Personally Seeking Counsel
E VERYONE NEEDS PERSONAL counseling at one time or
another. The following are some guidelines to help the person
who helps others through counseling. I believe this chapter
will be very interesting and helpful.
1. A pastor should never seek counsel from his church
members about personal matters. Proverbs 11:12 says, “He that is void of
wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.”
If a pastor goes to one of his people for counsel about personal matters, he
has forced that member to give up his counselor. That member has also
given up his pastor. How unwise for a pastor who is having marital problems
to go to one of his deacons! How unwise for a pastor who is having problems
with one of his children to seek advice from a church member! Very likely,
that person will soon despise the situation. That person may even despise
his pastor because his pastor revealed his weakness. A wise man needs to
learn when to open and when to close his mouth. The people need to be
able to come to their pastor for marriage counseling. How can a pastor do
marital counseling if his own marriage is in trouble? If the pastor needs
THE COUNSELOR PERSONALLY SEEKING COUNSEL 43
personal help, he must go to a wiser man who is a pastor.
2. It is acceptable to seek counsel from a church member about
some personal business dealings. “A wise man will hear, and will increase
learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels.” (Proverbs
1:5) If the pastor needs some advice about a retirement program and has a
layman with experience in that business, the wise counselor will seek
counsel about that program with his layman. Perhaps the pastor is planning
a building program; if so, seeking counsel from a layman who owns a
construction company is acceptable. The wise pastor will get a certain
amount of counsel from his deacons.
3. The pastor should not regularly seek counsel from the same
person. He cannot create a system that will not function when all the
participants are not present. Suppose the counselor is unavailable. A pastor
needs to be careful not to create a situation in which he is paralyzed without
his counselor. A pastor should have more than one counselor if it is
necessary. As I mentioned elsewhere, it is very wise to have a cabinet of
counselors.
4. The pastor should read—especially biographies. “I will get me
unto the great men, and will speak unto them; for they have known the way of the
LORD, and the judgment of their God: but these have altogether broken the yoke,
and burst the bonds.” (Jeremiah 5:5) God also gives warning in Job 32:9,
which says, “Great men are not always wise: neither do the aged understand
judgment.” It may be that a man may have had great character, but he may
not have had the wisdom of God. Therefore, when reading biographies of
great men, one needs to study their character as opposed to their doctrine.
Many times great men of the past were not wise about the things of God,
and their books promote incorrect doctrine. Reading biographies shows
what other great men have accomplished. Deductive reasoning tells us that
one way to get wisdom is by walking with the great men. “He that walketh
with wise men shall be wise….” (Proverbs 13:20) Since we cannot physically
walk with D. L. Moody or J. Frank Norris or men of such distinction, we can
read of them and therefore walk with them. Though we cannot physically
walk with Christ, we can read His Word, which will help us to know His
character and His wisdom.
I believe there are many ways to obtain wisdom. The following are
three Scriptural ways to obtain wisdom:
A. Other wise men. Proverbs 13:20 says, “He that walketh with wise
men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 44 FOR CHRISTIANS
B. The hardships of life. Proverbs 29:15 says, “The rod and reproof
give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” The
Bible says that reproof brings wisdom. Often in Proverbs we find the
word reproof attached to the word wisdom. Reproof can be hardship.
When we discipline a child, he is learning not to do what he just did.
What a good way for a child to get wisdom! Every person can obtain
wisdom that way in life; however, I, like most, prefer to get wisdom
in other ways! One way to obtain wisdom is by gleaning from
someone else’s experience. I believe gleaning wisdom directly from
the Word of God is the best teacher. When I was in school, I did not
have the privilege of attending a Christian school. I must admit that
I learned many things the hard way. I have many scars of learning
that I would rather not have. But, I must say that I would rather have
the education and the scars as opposed to not having an education.
C. The Word of God. We get wisdom from the Bible, which is
packed full of wisdom. We can choose any passage and find that
wisdom is there for the taking.
5. A counselor cannot trust the confidentiality of anyone in the
world. “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
(Proverbs 29:11) Experience teaches that if we don’t want anyone to know
a secret, then we don’t tell one person that secret. If a matter is totally
confidential, we had better keep it confidential. If we want and need
sympathy, we can go to Jesus. My wife sings a song with a line that says,
“Tears are a language which God understands.” If we want to cry on
someone’s shoulder, we can shed our tears in the sight of God and let Him
take care of the problem. The wise counselor will not seek sympathy from
his people.
6. Without divulging names, the wise counselor will ask his
children about ways to counsel other children or ask his teenagers about
how to counsel other teenagers. Proverbs 20:11 says, “Even a child is known
by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.” By doing so,
the parent/child relationship is strengthened, and their concept of justice
is developed. We might be surprised how much insight children have about
children. In a sense, wisdom is being able to see life the way God sees it.
Sometimes it is difficult to see problems through the eyes of children.
Allow me to illustrate this principle. One day, a lady took her son into
a store that had an old-fashioned candy counter with glass jars full of
colorful candy. The boy stood staring at the many different kinds of candy
THE COUNSELOR PERSONALLY SEEKING COUNSEL 45
while his mother did her shopping. Soon enough it was time to go. The
storekeeper had watched the little boy admiring the candy and asked,
“Ma’am, may I give your son some candy? He has been such a little
gentleman.” When she answered in the affirmative, the proprietor took
down a jar and said, “Son, stick your hand in here and get a handful.” The
boy just stood there with his hands in his pocket. The storekeeper
reiterated, “Son, it’s free. Go ahead and take a handful.” However, the little
boy just stared. His mother even urged, “Go ahead, Son.” The storekeeper
tried another tactic, “Son, don’t be afraid to get your candy,” but the little
boy wouldn’t take a handful. Finally, the frustrated storekeeper reached into
the candy jar and took a big handful and dropped it into the boy’s pockets
and said, “There you go, Son.” The little boy smiled his thankfulness.
As he walked to the parking lot with his mother, she asked, “Son,
why didn’t you take the candy? That man was so nice to you.” The little boy
looked up at his mother and simply said, “He has a bigger hand.”
This illustration teaches adults to see the world the way a child sees
the world. Children may very well have ideas that will help in counseling by
virtue of the fact that they are children—they see life differently than adults
do. For instance, they have not developed all of the prejudices and biases
of adults.
Let me share a personal illustration where I employed the idea of
seeking counsel from a teenager. A public school Bible Club teenager
transferred to our Christian schools. Needless to say, it was a total culture
shock. By the time she received her first report card, I had already heard
that she had failed algebra. When she finally came to my office, I said, “I
want to talk to you about your report card. Do you have it with you?”
Reluctantly, she took it from her purse and laid it on my desk.
I said, “Before we start, I would like for you to sit in my chair behind
the desk. I am going to sit where you would sit. You will be Brother Owens,
and I will be you. I want you to advise me about my report card, which I
have placed on your desk.”
She said, “First of all, I would say to you that I understand what a big
difference there is between a public high school and the Christian school.
I would say that I understand that up until just two months ago, the
teachers never made you do anything; you didn’t have to study to pass. I
would also understand that you don’t have any friends in the new school
because they are afraid of you. After all, you are the ‘ex-public school kid.’
I would say that I understand your parents don’t come to church. I
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 46 FOR CHRISTIANS
understand that it is tough to go to this new school. I would also tell you
that you had better work hard and bring up your grades.” After giving all
that advice, she was nearly in tears, and rightfully so.
I said, “Good enough. Now you come to your seat, and I’ll take mine.
Please listen to me carefully. The first thing that I want you to understand
is that I understand what a culture shock going to our Baptist school has
been for you. I realize that all the way through your sophomore and junior
years of school you never had to study one time, yet you passed. You came
to our school, and now you have had to make it on your own. That must be
very hard. I want you to know that I understand our young people at the
Christian school are going to be scared of you because you don’t know
much about our kind of Christianity. It must be tough not to have friends.”
She nodded her head in agreement. When I picked up her report card, she
was trying to hold back the tears because she knew I was going to look at
her card. I said, “Please always do your best,” as I handed her the report
card without looking at it. “By the way, if I could find some people who
would be friendly, would you like that?”
“Yes!”
This entire scenario was my seeking counsel from a teenager, and she
gave me such good advice. Certainly, it will not be wise to counsel every
teenager by letting him tell what he thinks should be done in his situation;
but from time to time, their ideas may help.
7. A counselor needs to seek professional counsel only from
someone more advanced in his same field of expertise. “Also Jonathan
David’s uncle was a counsellor, a wise man, and a scribe: and Jehiel the son of
Hachmoni was with the king’s sons.” (I Chronicles 27:32) This verse teaches
giving preference to an older man with more experience. While at college,
a freshman student should not seek counsel from another freshman student.
Ninety-nine times out of 100, a man who is in his first year of the pastorate
should not seek counsel from another man in his first year of the pastorate.
A man who has been married for six months should not seek counsel about
his marriage from a man who has also been married six months. A man who
has children should not seek counsel about how to rear children from a
person who has no children.
I am not discounting the fact that we can learn from the Bible about
rearing children. We can also learn from a counselor if he teaches from the
Bible about rearing children. However, I do think a parent would be better
off seeking counsel from a person with children who would teach him Bible
THE COUNSELOR PERSONALLY SEEKING COUNSEL 47
principles. In this case, he gets that person’s experience, plus the Word of
God, plus that person’s wisdom. This is not an issue of good and bad; it is
an issue of better and best.
8. A counselor should not seek counsel from his wife unless it
is in her field of expertise and he plans to follow her advice. “A foolish son
is the calamity of his father: and the contentions of a wife are a continual
dropping.” (Proverbs 19:13) I cannot begin to say how unwise it is for a man
to seek counsel from his wife and then not to follow her advice. First, a
person should not seek counsel from someone he does not trust. The trust
placed in any counselor should be predetermined because one should not
seek opinions when seeking counsel. He is supposedly seeking answers. If
he has no trust in a particular person’s answers, he should not go to that
person in the first place.
If a man rejects his wife’s counsel, he will cause his own marital
problem. “The continual dropping” is like the constant sound of dripping
water. A contentious wife is a quarrelsome wife who sounds like the
constant dripping of water. A man should not seek counsel from his wife
unless he plans to follow her advice. Her self-worth is damaged by his asking
and then not following her advice. Every wife needs to be reminded
continually that she is important and that her ideas and thoughts are
important.
Let me share an illustration: A lady in my adult Sunday school class
suddenly became very critical and negative. When I mentioned it to my
wife, she said, “Would you like to know why? I believe I know what has
happened. She has gained some extra weight, and she is embarrassed. She
thinks everyone notices her weight gain; therefore, she is negative toward
others in an effort to build up herself. I believe she would stop pointing out
others’ negatives if she could get some help on taking care of her own.” My
wife wisely began to help her. The lady began to look better and started
feeling better about herself. When that happened, she stopped seeing so
many negatives. My wife’s counsel was good advice.
My wife Schery happens to be a licensed cosmetologist and
aesthetician, as well as a Hyles-Anderson College graduate. I always ask for
my wife’s advice in her area of expertise. It is obvious to me that in this case
she solved a potential problem in my Sunday school class that could have
easily escalated.
9. The counselor cannot bring problems home to his wife.
Proverbs 19:14 says, “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 48 FOR CHRISTIANS
prudent wife is from the LORD.” A good wife is a gift from God. The wise
counselor will make his house his castle and his wife a queen, and he will
be the king of the castle. As I have mentioned elsewhere, if we want our
home to be a haven, we must work to keep it that way. Therefore, it is
unwise to bring home all the problems from the church or work. One reason
is because the wife was not created to carry the burden that man was
created to carry. She is to be the completer.
Did you know that a pastor is to pastor his wife as well? When I arrive
home, my wife might ask, “Honey, have you had a tough day?” I might say,
“Yes, but from the moment I got home and saw you, I have forgotten it all!”
That may sound far-fetched, but that is how I want my home to be. I need
my home to be a haven. Schery is my queen. If I am going to be a king, then
I need to keep it that way. One way is to keep my burdens away from home.
Allow me to share an illustration: As a man went into work one day,
a coworker was watching him walk to the factory door. There he performed
a daily ritual. He took off an imaginary coat and hung it on an imaginary
coat rack outside the factory door. Then he took a different imaginary coat
off an imaginary hanger and put it on. Then he walked into the factory.
After work, the coworker watched him leave work, take off the imaginary
coat, and hang it up. Then he took the first imaginary one from the
imaginary hanger and put it back on. He walked to his car, got in, and left.
Every day the coworker watched him pull in, take off an imaginary coat,
hang it up, put on another, go to work, get off work, taking off his imaginary
shop coat, hang it up, put the other back on, and drive home.
Finally, the spectator gathered the courage to ask, “What are you
doing?” The man replied, “Right now, I am wearing my ‘home coat.’ It is for
my wife and children so I never wear it into the shop. I hang it here so I can
leave the problems and burdens of home outside my place of work. Then I
put on my ‘shop coat’ as I go to work. All of the time I am working, I want
to give my boss 100 percent. When I am finished working, I hang up my
‘shop coat’ and leave my work problems behind. I put on my ‘home coat’
before I go home to my wife and kids.”
This illustration teaches me to keep my home a haven.
10. A counselor cannot share his burdens with anyone just to
get sympathy. Psalm 86:15 says, “But thou, O Lord, art a God full of
compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth.”
Since God is a God of compassion, understanding, grace, and mercy, He will
take care of us. It doesn’t take long to discover that leadership gives
THE COUNSELOR PERSONALLY SEEKING COUNSEL 49
strength. It does not take strength. The counselor should use his work to
build the people, not the people to build his work. He should not seek
sympathy from others constantly. Instead, he needs to let people seek
sympathy from him.
11. He cannot let his burdens become obvious to the people.
“Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer
the righteous to be moved.” (Psalm 55:22) A counselor should be a burden
bearer, as Galatians 6:2 instructs: “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil
the law of Christ.” If a counselor’s burdens become too obvious to the
people, they will be afraid to seek counsel from him. They may think, “I
can’t put any more on him; things are already too tough for my pastor.” A
counselor should let God bear his burdens. I can promise that if a counselor
takes his burdens to the Lord and leaves them there, God can take care of
them. While God carries His counselor’s burdens, the counselor can help
carry another’s load.
12. A pastor cannot share negative letters—either publicly or
privately. “Moreover in those days the nobles of Judah sent many letters unto
Tobiah, and the letters of Tobiah came unto them. For there were many in Judah
sworn unto him, because he was the son in law of Shechaniah the son of Arah;
and his son Johanan had taken the daughter of Meshullam the son of Berechiah.
Also they reported his good deeds before me, and uttered my words to him. And
Tobiah sent letters to put me in fear.” (Nehemiah 6:17–19) There is no sense
in publicizing problems. If a pastor is unwise enough to read a negative
letter in private, he is even more unwise to read it to his congregation.
What was known by perhaps two people is now known to all.
The Bible says in Romans 16:19 that a Christian is to remain simple
concerning that which is evil: “For your obedience is come abroad unto all
men. I am glad therefore on your behalf: but yet I would have you wise unto that
which is good, and simple concerning evil.” People don’t need to know the
negatives. I find it amusing how people stay so active searching out
negatives, but are so inactive when searching out positives. Usually the
person who knows the most negatives also knows less positives than anyone
else. The counselor must fill his life and the lives of his people with
positives.
Many times negative letters are anonymous. It is best to not read
anonymous letters. The first thing one should find out when receiving a
letter is whether or not it is signed. If the sender doesn’t have the courage
to sign his letter, why should the receiver waste his time reading it? When
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 50 FOR CHRISTIANS
someone sends an anonymous letter, there is always a reason why he doesn’t
have the courage to sign it. Most unsigned letters are critical or negative,
though, at times, a few may be positive. For that reason, it is generally more
wise to read only signed letters.
13. The pastor should seek counsel concerning how to counsel
difficult cases. Exodus 18:26 says, “And they judged the people at all seasons:
the hard causes they brought unto Moses, but every small matter they judged
themselves.” The Bible has answers to man’s problems. In Exodus, the Bible
gives an account of men who helped lift Moses’ counseling load. If they did
not know the answers, the counselors went to Moses and received the
correct counsel. If a person seeks counsel, and the person seeking counsel
presents a particularly difficult case, the wise counselor will seek counsel
from another counselor instead of taking a chance on giving wrong counsel.
Counseling is not like Russian roulette. A counselor is not supposed to take
chances with people’s lives; their problems are not games.
14. The counselor needs to learn to counsel with himself. “I
remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy
hands.” (Psalm 143:5) In this verse two words are very important—meditate
and muse. Musing is thinking or concentrating. The best way to repeat the
recipe for a good day is to meditate and then write down what happened on
a good day and repeat the cycle. Likewise, when having a bad day, muse;
then record the events and don’t repeat the cycle. That procedure is
counseling oneself. It is meditating or musing. A great counselor learns to
use his mind.
15. The counselor needs to learn to counsel himself about
depression. A young mother came to me for counsel and said, “Dr. Owens,
I hate to admit it, but I am depressed.”
I asked, “Can you affix the time when the depression started?”
She said, “Yes, it started this past September.”
I asked, “Is there a time of the day when you seem to be more
depressed?”
She thought about it and said, “Yes, sir. In the morning about nine
o’clock or so.”
I questioned, “Is there a time of the day when your depression seems
to stop?”
“I usually come out of it about three o’clock in the afternoon.”
“Now, let’s see if we can ascertain what might be causing this
depression. Do you have any children?”
THE COUNSELOR PERSONALLY SEEKING COUNSEL 51
“One, a daughter,” she replied.
“How old is she?” I asked.
“Five,” she answered.
“Is your daughter in kindergarten?” I asked. When she answered in
the affirmative, I asked, “Did she start in September?”
I was able to tell her that her depression started when she got out of
her usual routine. “You cared for your daughter every morning for five
years; suddenly, in September, she went off to school. At 9:00 A.M., your
loneliness and loss of routine hits you. At 3:00 P.M., you become
encouraged because your daughter arrives home and relieves your
depression.”
It is important to have a rhythm, a routine, and predictability in life.
Another lady sought counseling for her depression. After the same line of
questioning, we discovered the source of her depression was her husband’s
shift change. I advised this lady to readjust her schedule with specific things
to do. The depression problem was solved with a little thinking.
If a pastor will counsel himself in this way, he may well avoid some
times of depression. As I said before, there is security in rhythm or
routine—a schedule, if you please.
16. The wise counselor will plan a time for his burdens. Once
I counseled a man named Joe, whom I won to Christ. One of Joe’s burdens
was the death of his brother as a result of drunken driving. This accident
was literally tearing Joe’s family apart. Joe came to me and asked, “Do you
think you can talk to my parents? My mom cries all day long since my
brother died; the doctors fear she will have a nervous breakdown.”
I went to see them, and I had the privilege of winning the parents to
the Lord. I began to counsel with Joe’s mother. “Ma’am, there is nothing in
the world wrong with crying over the death of your son, but what we need
to do is to schedule your times of grieving. For instance, visit his grave one
time a week and cry then. You are robbing your husband and children who
are living by continually mourning the death of this son. I believe it is fine
for you to have this burden and for you to cry over your loss, but you must
grieve at the appropriate time.”
In Ecclesiastes 3:1–8, the Bible says there is a time for everything: “To
every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A
time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that
which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a
time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 52 FOR CHRISTIANS
time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a
time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time
to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to
hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”
Joe’s mother and I scheduled a time once a week for her to visit the
cemetery. I advised her to cry and remember the good times, then to go
home and forget. I advised her to spend a large portion of the day marking
the anniversary of her son’s death, looking at photo albums and his
obituary. I told her to spend half the day crying and grieving for her son and
what might have been. Then I told her to dry her eyes and make cookies for
her living children and rejoice that she still had them to hold, hug, and
love. Joe’s mom did as I suggested, and the result changed her life and the
lives of her family members incredibly. Schedule a time for burdens.
I trust these many points will aid the wise counselor in choosing to
seek help as needed.
53
V
CounselinG
AND
The Power of the Holy Spirit
IN LUKE 4:18, the Bible says, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath
sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the
captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are
bruised.”
“And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the
Spirit.” (Ephesians 5:18)
A counselor must learn many lessons if he wants to successfully help
people. I believe a reader could glean much and learn many necessary
lessons from this book. However, I wonder if the most important lesson is
contained within these few pages of this chapter about the Holy Spirit of
God. Without the Holy Spirit’s guidance and fullness in his life, the
counselor will fail at achieving the kind of success that God wants him to
experience as a counselor. Therefore, a counselor should often ask God for
His Holy Spirit’s power.
The following nine points could revolutionize the counselor’s life and
his ministry.
1. God wants to pour out His Spirit upon His man. “And it shall
come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 54 FOR CHRISTIANS
and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young
men shall see visions: And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in
those days will I pour out my spirit.” (Joel 2:28, 29) These verses are not
limited to just pastors, but are intended for “all flesh,” which means young
and old alike. Anyone who wants to help people should not do it by his own
power but in the Holy Spirit’s power.
2. The anointing of the Holy Spirit equips one for counseling
or any task done for God. Acts 10:38 teaches, “…God anointed Jesus of
Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and
healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.” Since the
Holy Spirit was a necessary part of the ministry of Jesus Christ, how can one
possibly think that anointing to be anything less than important? God’s Son
needed that anointing of the Holy Spirit, and so does a counselor.
3. If the counselor would simply yield himself to the Spirit, the
anointing will be made available to him. This principle is taught in Luke
11:8 and 13 which says, “ I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him,
because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as
many as he needeth. If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your
children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them
that ask him?” God wants every Christian to have His power, which is readily
available to every Christian. The counselor and the person seeking counsel
need to be filled with God’s Spirit.
4. The power of the Holy Spirit is, in a sense, God making His
mind available to a person so that that person might do any task that He
appoints him to do. Ephesians 3:16 says, “That he would grant you, according
to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner
man.”
Also, Philippians 2:5 says, “Let this mind be in you, which was also in
Christ Jesus.” This verse definitely indicates to me that one can possess the
mind of Christ.
5. Being filled with the Holy Spirit will help a counselor in his
ministry of comforting people. Read John 14:26, which says, “But the
Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he
shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever
I have said unto you.” A man can only bring comfort from the outside to the
inside; but with the Holy Spirit’s power, he can bring comfort from the
inside to the outside.
6. The Holy Spirit will never lead a counselor contrary to the
THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT 55
Word of God. II Peter 1:20 and 21 says, “Knowing this first, that no prophecy
of the scripture is of any private interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old
time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the
Holy Ghost.” There are no contradictions or disagreements between the
Holy Spirit and the King James Bible; they work in perfect unison.
I Peter 1:12 says, “Unto whom it was revealed, that not unto themselves,
but unto us they did minister the things, which are now reported unto you by them
that have preached the gospel unto you with the Holy Ghost sent down from
heaven; which things the angels desire to look into.”
The Spirit of God makes the Word of God come alive to the
counselor and the person who is seeking counsel. John 6:63 says, “It is the
spirit that quickeneth; the flesh profiteth nothing: the words that I speak unto you,
they are spirit, and they are life.” The word quickeneth can be translated to
come alive.
7. The wise counselor will not only ask God that he personally
be filled with the Spirit of God, but that the person with whom he is
counseling also desire the Holy Spirit’s leading. “He that hath an ear, let
him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be
hurt of the second death.” (Revelation 2:11)
“He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches;
To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him
a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth
saving he that receiveth it.” (Revelation 2:17)
“He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.”
(Revelation 2:29) There are many counseling Scriptures which allude to the
thought that not only should the person counseling yield to the Holy Spirit,
but that it is also wise for the person seeking help be yielded to the Holy
Spirit.
8. The wise counselor will realize that the freedom from the
bondage of sin desired by the person seeking counsel may be found only
through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. “Now the Lord is that Spirit: and
where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” (II Corinthians 3:17) In this
verse, the word liberty means to be free. The Holy Spirit should feel free to
control man, which means that He would want to lead man away from sin
and the captivity of sin. His guidance through the Word of God and life is
much more dependable than being guided by one’s emotions and the
philosophies of men.
9. A wise counselor will frequently beg God for the power of
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 56 FOR CHRISTIANS
the Holy Spirit. “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the
desires of thine heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
“If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will,
and it shall be done unto you.” (John 15:7) Because God is omniscient, He
alone knows everything. As a counselor, I have learned that without the
power of the Holy Spirit of God, those details that are unseen by my human
eye will go undetected; but with the help and direction of the Holy Spirit,
I can lead people to more successful Christian lives.
Thank God He gave us the Holy Spirit to do through us, to us, and
for us what we cannot do ourselves.
57
VI
CounselinG
and
Character
THE BIBLE SAYS in I Kings 3:16-28, “Then came there two
women, that were harlots, unto the king, and stood before him.
And the one woman said, O my lord, I and this woman dwell in
one house; and I was delivered of a child with her in the house. And it came to
pass the third day after that I was delivered, that this woman was delivered also:
and we were together; there was no stranger with us in the house, save we two in
the house. And this woman’s child died in the night; because she overlaid it. And
she arose at midnight, and took my son from beside me, while thine handmaid
slept, and laid it in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. And when
I rose in the morning to give my child suck, behold, it was dead: but when I had
considered it in the morning, behold, it was not my son, which I did bear. And the
other woman said, Nay; but the living is my son, and the dead is thy son. And this
said, No; but the dead is thy son, and the living is my son. Thus they spake before
the king. Then said the king, The one saith, This is my son that liveth, and thy son
is the dead: and the other saith, Nay; but thy son is the dead, and my son is the
living. And the king said, Bring me a sword. And they brought a sword before the
king. And the king said, Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one,
and half to the other. Then spake the woman whose the living child was unto the
king, for her bowels yearned upon her son, and she said, O my lord, give her the
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 58 FOR CHRISTIANS
living child, and in no wise slay it. But the other said, Let it be neither mine nor
thine, but divide it. Then the king answered and said, Give her the living child,
and in no wise slay it: she is the mother thereof. And all Israel heard of the
judgment which the king had judged; and they feared the king: for they saw that
the wisdom of God was in him, to do judgment.”
I Kings 3:16-28 records a story in which two harlots came to King
Solomon for his wisdom and discernment in settling a dispute. They had
been living in the same house, and each had a young child. No other people
were living in the house with them. During the night, one of the women
accidentally smothered her child. She went to the mother of the living child
who was sleeping and exchanged her dead baby for the living one. The next
day both claimed the living baby.
They had to take this issue to Solomon. They stood before Solomon,
and each gave her side of the story. In order to resolve the problem,
Solomon called for a sword to divide the young child into two pieces—one
for each mother. The genuine mother pleaded for the baby’s life and offered
to give the child to the other woman, who declared, “Divide it.” No doubt
Solomon had no question about who was the real mother. He saw the
mother’s love.
In this story, we find two harlots who were intelligent enough to seek
counsel. Another point of significance in the story of these immoral women
was the fact that they had the character to seek counsel from a wise man of
God. I find that people who seek counsel are usually people of character and
wisdom. By seeking counsel, a person will benefit in two ways: (1) he will
receive direction for developing more character; (2) he will learn with the
help of a counselor how not to destroy the character he has already gained.
Because the Bible gives many instances of people needing and seeking
counsel, let me share some principles I have learned which have helped me
to be open to counsel.
1. The counselor should not be guilty of never seeking counsel.
Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude
of counsellors there is safety.” Deuteronomy 32:28 says, “For they are a nation
void of counsel, neither is there any understanding in them.” These two verses
teach the importance of seeking counsel. Remember, even the two harlots
showed enough wisdom to seek counsel in order to settle their dispute. If
two women, obviously living in sin, went to a man of God for counsel,
should not Christians receive counsel, too?
However, some Christians never seek counsel. Never seeking counsel
COUNSELING AND CHARACTER 59
means trouble. At one time or another, every person needs to seek counsel.
I have found that most people (if not all people) who leave God’s will leave
it because they never sought or received counsel. People with character
seek counsel.
So why do some Christians never seek counsel? I believe there are
two main reasons for never seeking or receiving counsel.
A. Because the Christian plans to counsel himself. This is certainly
not best, nor is it enough. The following three verses adequately
explain why. Job 18:7b tells me, “…his own counsel shall cast him
down.” Jeremiah 7:24 says, “But they hearkened not,…but walked in the
counsels and in the imagination of their evil heart, and went backward,
and not forward.” Seeking and trusting my own counsel will take me
backward. Psalm 5:10b says, “let them fall by their own counsels.” The
Christian may choose to counsel himself, but the result is usually selfdestruction.
B. Because the Christian feels that if he asks for help with a
problem, his weakness will be revealed. Perhaps he mistakenly thinks
that after he reveals his weakness to a leader, he will lose future
opportunities. Perhaps he believes the counselor will hold his
weakness against him. However, after seeking counsel, a person often
leaves with answers to his problems. The truth is that a person is
actually more qualified to lead after receiving and following counsel
than before he sought advice.
When a person seeks counsel, he is better qualified for leadership, not
less qualified. People who seek counsel usually become excellent leaders.
The Bible gives a record of only one Person Who needed no counsel and
was a success. Isaiah 40:13 and 14 says, “Who hath directed the Spirit of the
LORD, or being his counsellor hath taught him? With whom took he counsel, and
who instructed him, and taught him in the path of judgment, and taught him
knowledge, and shewed to him the way of understanding?” If we don’t think we
need any counsel, we must presume we are God because He is the only One
Who has never needed counsel from anybody. We become our own god.
Never seeking or accepting counsel can be equated with having no
character.
2. A counselor should not be guilty of seeking unwise counsel.
Psalm 1:1a teaches, “Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the
ungodly.” Job 22:18b says, “But the counsel of the wicked is far from me.”
Proverbs 12:5 informs us that “…the counsels of the wicked are deceit.”
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 60 FOR CHRISTIANS
Christians should seek counsel from seasoned, older, and wiser people.
In I Kings 12:8-13, the account of Rehoboam seeking counsel from
the young men instead of the old men is given; and, as a result of his lack
of discernment, he split the kingdom. I’m sure Rehoboam didn’t think the
counsel he received would be so detrimental to his people. The same is true
of Christians today. Receiving and accepting unwise counsel could cause a
church split or a divided family or even division in one’s own home. Why?
Bad counsel was sought, accepted, and followed! The reason some
Christians seek counsel from people their own age is because they don’t
want truthful and right counsel. They want someone who will agree with
them so that they may do whatever they please.
Accepting and following unwise counsel brings tragedy. “Behold, these
caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass
against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the
congregation of the LORD.” (Numbers 31:16) According to I Chronicles
10:13, accepting bad counsel caused Saul’s death. Accepting and following
unwise counsel usually ends in devastation. Another result of listening to
unwise counsel is a low character level.
3. A counselor should seek counsel from a wise person as often
as necessary. Proverbs 13:20a teaches, “He that walketh with wise men shall
be wise.” The Bible says in Proverbs 4:7a that “Wisdom is the principal thing.”
This verse means that the obtaining of wisdom is urgent. One way to obtain
wisdom is by seeking counsel from wise people as often as necessary.
Wisdom, for man, is being able to see life the way God sees it. The two
harlots of I Kings 3 sought counsel in order to settle a conflict. Surely one
would want to have as much wisdom as these harlots displayed in seeking
counsel.
One person from whom counsel should be sought is a soul winner. In
Proverbs 11:30 the Bible says, “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and
he that winneth souls is wise.”
A person I deem wise once said to me, “Before I preach, I run. My
whole goal is to get my heart pumping to get my blood circulating to help
get the fresh oxygen from my lungs to my brain. When I step into the pulpit,
I’m fresh! My mind is keener and sharper.”
After considering this man’s practice of running before preaching, I
decided that I would do the same thing. Before I go to the pulpit and
preach, I go soul winning and try to get somebody saved every time I have
the opportunity. Why? I want to get the “blood” flowing! I am speaking of
COUNSELING AND CHARACTER 61
the blood of Christ. There is nothing that will give a preacher more
confidence when walking into a pulpit than having won someone to
Christ—having caused the “blood” to flow! We counselors must get our
counsel from soul winners and people who believe in the death, burial, and
resurrection of Christ and from those who share that good news with others.
I believe the only stupid question is the unasked question. I have four
children. Since they were little, they have asked me, “Why, Daddy?” I hope
that my oldest boy, Jeff, who is now 15 years old, will still ask at 16, “Why,
Daddy?” I hope that when he is 18 he still says, “Why, Daddy?” When he
is 21, I hope he will say, “Teach me, Dad. Help me to develop my
character.”
4. A person who has no character has no counsel to offer and
will find few people who will trust him. Often, a person who has no
character misrepresents himself so that it may seem to others that he is a
man of character. Sad to say, the few who do trust him usually pay a great
price.
5. A counselor with no character may have good sense and
may talk a good talk, but he cannot walk a good walk. Dr. Wendell
Evans, the president of Hyles-Anderson College, for years has made this
statement: “Your walk talks and your talk talks, but your walk talks louder
than your talk talks.” Sooner or later, the person with little or no character
who looks and sounds good will fail in his Christian walk.
6. A counselor should develop his own personal character for
the sake of God and the people he plans to help. “Only let your
conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see
you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit,
with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel.” (Philippians 1:27) In
the Bible, the word conversation has a much broader meaning than having
a conversation with someone; it means our Christian walk. Paul was saying
to the Christians in Philippi to live so that their daily affairs of life were
above reproach.
“Where no counsel is, the people fall.”
(Proverbs 11:14a)
62
VII
CounselinG
and
The Counselor’s Office Decor,
Manner, and Procedures
THIS CHAPTER WILL involve some general ideas and practical
helps for the counselor’s office. Certainly, the way to
decorate the office is not mentioned in the Bible. I believe
God thought we would be intelligent enough to be first-class in this
particular matter.
1. The counselor’s office should be decorated in good taste and
look professional. The office should be color-coordinated; certain colors
go well together. Certain designs and patterns clash such as a striped
wallpaper and a polka-dotted border. One may wisely choose to let his wife
or a decorator help decorate the office. The colors chosen need to be warm
colors; they should not be bright. I talked to a gentleman recently who
works for one of the oldest law firms in Chicago. He told me how their
buildings and offices were maintained. For instance, he said the doors where
people enter are cleaned three times a day to make sure no fingerprints are
on them! I like that professionalism! I believe a church should be as
professional and clean as any other building in town. God’s people should
be clean people.
THE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE DECOR 63
2. When possible, a counselor should have two seating
arrangements in his office. The first arrangement would be a business type
of seating arrangement: the counselor is seated at his desk, and a person sits
in a chair in front of the desk. The second setting would be a more relaxed
type of seating arrangement—a living room type of seating. The counselor
and the person seeking counsel can sit comfortably and relaxed during the
counseling session.
3. A counselor should have a comfortable waiting room. The
waiting room could have some of the following for those waiting for their
appointment:
A. Good reading material. Books of philosophy or books of
Christian poetry, the Christian school yearbooks, or a church
directory all would provide enjoyable reading. People enjoy looking
at photographs. However, I recommend to never place controversial
items of reading in the waiting room because these often cause
frustration. It is probably not wise to have sports magazines in the
waiting room because there is no way to regulate the contents. A
Bible should definitely be available.
B. Promotional items. Perhaps a pastor had a big day at his
church, and some special bookmarks were printed to commemorate
that day. Those bookmarks could be placed in the waiting room with
a little sign that says, “Free! Please take one.” I believe it is secondclass
to distribute old, dated material, but some things could be used
and would be enjoyable to have.
C. A little bowl of wrapped candy. Temperature changes cause
unwrapped candy to stick together, and that “glob” of candy would
not be appealing or appetizing. People also tend to touch candy.
When one person handles unwrapped candy, no one will want any.
D. Little games. Mind teasers create a lot of enjoyment and fun,
as well as keep people occupied.
E. Comfortable seating. By all means, provide people with chairs
that are comfortable, especially if their wait is an extended one.
F. Pictures or photographs. A photo of one’s church staff or the
Christian school staff, a picture of the church building, or even a
picture of the board of deacons are all acceptable ideas that could be
enlarged, framed, and displayed as a part of the waiting room
decorations.
G. Air-conditioning. Not only should the waiting room be well airPRACTICAL
COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 64 FOR CHRISTIANS
conditioned, it should also be well-heated.
H. Carpeting. One should be careful in choosing carpeting, both
in the office and the waiting room. He should choose carpet that will
wear well and carpet that will not readily show grime.
4. If the appointment is for a businessperson, the wise
counselor could do some extra things in the waiting room for that
person. The use of a freestanding hallway marquee could be used to greet
people coming for an appointment. The words, “Welcome, Mr. John Smith,
Smith’s Paper Corp.” would be very impressive. Possibly the gift of a
clipboard or portfolio with the name of the church imprinted on the front
could be offered as a gift to make note-taking easier during the
appointment.
Have a host on hand to greet the businessperson. The host could be
a retired gentleman who would love to do something for his church.
Refreshments could be made available. A counselor could use such
things as hot water and tea bags or coffee so people could prepare a drink.
I have been in pastors’ waiting rooms where the ladies of the church provided
individually wrapped homemade cookies. A little professional sign was
beside the plate which said, “Free! Please take one.” Napkins were also provided.
I could not help but think what a generous thing for someone to do.
5. A counselor needs to learn to deal with professional people
with extra care. The following are principles I employ when dealing with
professional people:
A. I believe it is important to start an appointment with a
professional person exactly on time. When a professional waits
unnecessarily in a waiting room for an appointment, he may think the
counselor is lazy. Seeing a professional person early may well promote
the idea of an unorganized counselor. See the professional on time.
B. When dealing with a professional person, a counselor needs to
be interested in him as a person. Though he may have money, he is
a human being who needs love, no matter how professional he is.
Professionals have human frailties and needs like everyone else.
C. A professional needs to know that a counselor is a busy person
just as he is. I assure you that professional people will not be faithful
to a church with a lazy pastor. Professional people want to be around
those who are professional. They will not bring business associates to
visit a church if they are ashamed of the Christians in the church.
D. A counselor needs to learn all he can about the professional
THE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE DECOR 65
people seeking counsel. He should know where his office building is
located, the name of his business, and perhaps some of his business
associates. He can tell that person honestly, “I know of your
business.” Don’t you feel good when someone says, “I know about
your ministry; I have heard about your church”? It never hurts to
make small talk.
E. It is unwise to schedule an appointment for a businessperson
on a drop-in type basis. He needs to obtain an appointment, just like
everyone else. I have no doubt he will appreciate the astuteness of
the counselor. If a businessman feels he can drop in anytime he
wants, sooner or later he will see the situation as careless.
F. While the professional is in a counselor’s office, the counselor
should ask him if he has family needs or if he can pray for him and
his business. When dealing with a professional person, it is not always
wise to witness to him the very first time he is in the office. A
businessperson needs to see a pastor is not just out to get something
from him; nor should the pastor let the businessman think the pastor
wants him to build the pastor’s business. A businessman needs to find
out first that the counselor is real, then present the Gospel. Let me
explain. I am for confrontational evangelism. I am just saying that
with businessmen, a counselor cannot be a “pushy salesperson.”
Believe me, they know the technique very well.
G. When dealing with a businessperson, a counselor needs to
make sure that he has on hand everything needed for the
appointment. Mentally, he needs to think through the appointment
and research to prepare for this particular appointment. I believe a
professional looks very disdainfully at the counselor who has to leave
his office many times to find a piece of paper, a file, a pencil, an
eraser, or a phone number. Advance preparation is needed to think
of every problem or need before starting the appointment. I call this
method of organization “preventive maintenance” instead of
“breakdown maintenance.”
H. A counselor needs to be careful not to be too humorous with the
professional. Although there is nothing wrong with using some
humor, it should not be used as a sales pitch. The counselor needs to
strive to become the professional’s friend.
I. When his appointment time is finished, it might be very wise
to escort him not only to the door of the office but also to his car. This
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 66 FOR CHRISTIANS
is called being a good host.
J. A counselor needs to let other people know who the businessperson
is. By all means, the counselor should introduce the
businessperson to his staff.
K. A counselor needs to write the businessperson immediately. He
needs to thank him for coming to the appointment.
L. He needs to learn the businessperson’s name and use it in their
conversation. A professional person who carries himself well will use
the names of his people, and he will use their names often.
M. When shaking the hand of the professional (anyone’s hand for
that matter), a counselor needs to shake his hand like a man. When
shaking someone’s hand, don’t give him a high five. Make the
handshake firm and appropriate.
6. A counselor needs to have good lighting in the office. I
recommend that soft lighting which has a bit of a haze be used because it
cuts the glare. People should not be blinded by shiny, bright, or blinding
lights. The counselor needs to watch for shadows because people are apt to
let their attention be drawn to shadows. Windows should have window
treatments to cut down on bright sunshine. Eye contact is very important
when dealing with people.
7. A counselor should have a window to open or air
conditioning to turn on in the office. A room can get stuffy when the door
is closed for extended periods of time. Opening a window or turning on an
air conditioner at a low setting can be a breath of fresh air.
8. A few conversation pieces should be made visible to the
people seeking counsel. It is important to have casual conversation with
people so they will relax. Conversation pieces usually relay to those seeking
counsel that a counselor is human, too. The following are some suggested
conservation pieces to place in the office.
A. A picture of the family. I believe every man should have a
picture made with his family. Someday, he will regret not having a
family picture because a family picture promotes the family; and in
this day and age, people need to have the family promoted.
B. A picture of your wife. I recommend a picture of just your wife
or maybe a picture of you and your wife together. Above my desk in
my office at First Baptist Church, I have a picture of my wife. First, I
like to have a picture of Schery so I can think about her. In fact, I
want her to know that I do so. Another reason for having a picture
THE COUNSELOR’S OFFICE DECOR 67
of my wife is so the women who come for counseling cannot miss the
fact that I have a wife to whom I am happily married. If a woman was
immediately convinced that her counselor was a happily married man
with a family he loved, she may be less likely to be inappropriate.
C. Other pictures. When a person comes to my office, one of the
first things he sees are some pictures of my heroes. I also have a
picture of my soccer team. I have coached soccer for years, and
having a picture of my team helps me to think about my players. At
the same time, many people with whom I counsel are interested in
sports, and that photo gives us a common interest. I have a winter
scene with a big buck standing majestically on a mountain. I also
have a summer scene with a lake of fish. Some will come into my
office and say, “I love that winter picture. That deer is beautiful!” I
say, “Yes, I love winter, too. The deer is beautiful (especially through
the scope of a gun!).” Someone else may say, “Oh, I love that summer
scene; I just love summer.” I can agree with that person, too. I have
both pictures for the sake of conversation.
9. A counselor should have tissues available on the desk for
the person seeking counsel. “I am weary with my groaning; all the night make
I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears. Mine eye is consumed because
of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.” (Psalm 6:6, 7) People will
shed tears, and the tissues will be very needed and important.
10. The wise counselor will choose carefully where to sit. As I
said before, a counselor should have two seating arrangements—one
business and one relaxed. He needs to be very careful in choosing which
setting to use. It is better to start in a formal setting and change to the
informal seating. The way to determine where to sit depends upon the need.
11. A counselor also needs to choose carefully how to sit. Every
man needs to learn how to sit tall with his shoulders back and his feet flat
on the floor. Every man needs to learn how to cross his legs. There is
nothing wrong with a seated man crossing his legs at the knees if it is done
correctly. A man should not sit like a woman or in an effeminate way.
Neither should he slouch.
12. A counselor needs to be careful about the odor in the office.
Whether or not he is aware of any odor doesn’t mean anything; the office
probably has an odor. My wife has a cute statement she makes when
teaching her college course: “It is an amazing thing that our mouth and
nose are very close. Nobody’s nose is closer to our mouth than our own, but
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 68 FOR CHRISTIANS
we are the last one to know that we have bad breath!”
A counselor can spend a lot of time in his office, yet be the last one
to realize that the office smells bad because he is accustomed to the odor.
A counselor needs to make use of air fresheners. He also needs to be
cautious about eating in the office because the furniture, carpeting, and
curtains will absorb food odors. This odor buildup is one of the reasons for
having a window or an air conditioner which will circulate fresh air to keep
the office smelling clean. A counselor should have the upholstery cleaned
periodically to eliminate smells. As I said before, God’s people should be
clean.
13. The counselor’s desk should look used, but it should not
look cluttered. There should be work on the desk, but it should be
organized work. Some will have to fake their way through this point. There
are others who will have a rude awakening when they find out just how
busy the work of God can be.
14. The wise counselor will have a clock visible at all times. The
clock needs to be visible in whatever seating arrangement the counselor
chooses to use. The clock should be easily seen, but it should not be
obvious to the person seeking counsel that the counselor is occasionally
watching the time. He should place the clock where he can glance over the
shoulder of the person being counseled and notice the time without it being
obvious. A clock is better than a watch because the person being counseled
cannot help but see a counselor looking at a watch.
15. A counselor must learn to stay on schedule. He can do this
by starting the counseling session by saying, “I apologize that our time is
brief today, but we do have the next 30 minutes. Let’s not waste any of that
time. I am so glad you came.” With some people, no matter how much time
they are allotted, it will never be adequate. Because a counselor is busy with
other duties, he must learn to stay on schedule.
16. The wise counselor will have personal office supplies. I
personally keep all of the following in my office: breath freshener, hairspray,
toothbrush and toothpaste, an extra suit of clothing, a lint brush, shoe
polish, a comb, fingernail clippers, antiperspirant, washcloth, soap and
towel, razor and shaving cream. Of course, the personal supplies another
counselor may choose to have on hand would be different from mine.
I trust this list of practical helps will be an aid in planning an office
that is first-class and professional.
69
VIII
CounselinG
and
The Counselor’s Wardrobe
and Grooming
THE BIBLE SAYS in I Corinthians 14:40, “Let all things be done
decently and in order.” Because of this verse, I believe a
counselor should show concern for his own wardrobe, as
well as his personal grooming habits. A counselor may find occasion to
teach and instruct others with this material, but it will be better taught if it
is practiced. As I mentioned elsewhere, Dr. Wendell Evans, the president
of Hyles-Anderson College, often quotes, “Your walk talks and your talk
talks, but your walk talks louder than your talk talks.”
1. To dress well is to represent Christ well. Counselors are in
constant public exposure and should give a good impression to all. They
never have a second chance to make a first impression. A person’s clothing
reveals how he feels about himself, what he thinks of authority and God,
and what his attitude is toward others. Therefore, a counselor must dress
properly because of Who owns him.
2. It would be wise for the counselor to give much thought to
the planning and preparation of his wardrobe. Looking our best doesn’t
just happen. It takes time and motivation. It takes shopping to fit our
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 70 FOR CHRISTIANS
wardrobe to our budget. It takes caring enough to be well-groomed and
well-dressed. A person should not be in a hurry and buy things that are too
cheap. He needs to set money aside and use it wisely for the purpose of
looking his best.
3. A person needs to ask God to help him in this area. He
needs to learn to pray for his clothing.
4. A person does not need to spend large amounts of money to
look nice. Anyone can window-shop and learn what combinations are put
together and what colors and styles are current, and then try on clothes. He
should buy classic and basic clothing, i.e., clothing which never goes out of
style, such as a basic black suit.
5. If the counselor is younger, he should wear suits as opposed
to wearing coordinates. A suit looks more professional and lends a look of
maturity. Basic darker-toned suits such as charcoal gray, navy blue, or black
may aid in achieving the mature look as well. Since clothing is often a selfportrait,
a young man should dress conservatively.
6. A wise counselor will be concerned about his attire. He
should employ many of the following basic wardrobe guidelines:
A. Suits and Sport Coats. He should have a variety of
conservative, well-fitting suits. The “leisure suit” should not be worn.
A suit jacket or sport coat should fit well and look attractive. The
length of the jacket sleeve is important. When bending the wrist, the
sleeve should touch the palm of the hand. The sleeve length should
come to the end of the wrist when the arm is straight at the side. The
wearer should be able to button the jacket comfortably. The seam in
the shoulder should fit on the shoulder and not hang off in a sloppy
fashion.
B. Sports Clothing. When participating in extra-curricular
activities, the counselor should be appropriate. No one wants to see
a man of God wearing a suit and tie to play basketball. Sports clothes
are necessary. It is fine to project different images for different
activities.
C. Suit Trousers and Dress Trousers. The waist should never fit
too snugly. The trousers should not hug the hips. A slight flare in the
trousers at the ankle and calf looks nice. The leg should fit loosely.
Cuffs look good, but they are totally a matter of personal preference.
The back hem of the trousers should be at the top of the heel of the
shoe. The crease of the trousers should be straight and easily seen.
THE COUNSELOR’S WARDROBE AND GROOMING 71
Belt loops are best, as opposed to elastic waistbands. Pleats are
helpful, depending on the build of the man.
D. Dress Shirts. A shirt should have a smooth, tidy fit. A shirt
with a tapered tail helps to assure this look. The sleeves should come
to just below the wrist. The collar should not be so tight that it
restricts breathing or wrinkles because of tightness. The shirt collar
should not be so loose that it creates an unfinished look, even after
tying the tie. Long-sleeved white shirts are always acceptable in the
business world. Narrow stripes look nice. A shirt should always be
pressed before it is worn. Watch for stains under the arms. A nicelooking
dress shirt makes a statement.
E. Neckties. I call the tie a symbol of responsibility. A tie can
“make” the suit. It also could be considered the personality of the
suit. When a tie is tied correctly, the tip of the tie will come to the
belt buckle. One should practice making his knot until it is equal and
uniform. The Windsor knot still remains the traditional knot. The
width of the tie should be the approximate width of the lapels of the
suit jacket. Bow ties give negative signals and should be avoided.
Having a tie collection should be a part of a man’s wardrobe. The use
of patterns such as polka dots, regimental repetition (stripes),
diamonds, paisley, and plaids carefully coordinated with the suit will
help a man dress well. Solid-colored ties, club ties, and Ivy League
ties are also an important part of a man’s accessories.
F. Shoes and Socks. Acceptable colors are black, brown, and
cordovan. Patent leather shoes look nice and require a minimal
amount of care. Wing tip and plain lace-up shoes are traditionally
most acceptable. Slip-on shoes are fine if they are not gaudy. Shoes
should always be kept polished. Find a tailor to help get a perfect fit.
Socks should be dark and over the calf. They should be high enough
on the leg so that flesh does not show when seated. White socks
should never be worn with a suit. A good rule of thumb to follow is
for socks to be worn, not seen.
A man of God should care properly for his clothing. His clothes
should be washed or dry-cleaned frequently. Shoes should be kept polished
and in good repair.
7. A counselor should be concerned about his personal
hygiene. Cleanliness is essential.
A. Bathing. If possible, take a shower rather than a bath. Use a
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 72 FOR CHRISTIANS
deodorant soap and be sure to use an effective antiperspirant.
B. Teeth. After all meals and snacks, the teeth, as well as the
tongue, should be brushed. Often bad breath emanates from the
tongue. Brushing before bedtime will lengthen the life of teeth. Use
dental floss every 24 hours. If possible, we should see a dentist every
six months for a cleaning and checkup. A smile is one of our greatest
assets, but only if our teeth are cared for properly. Use breath mints
and mouthwash often.
C. Hair Care. Hair should be neatly cut and kept clean. A man
should wash his hair daily and keep it combed. He should use
hairspray if necessary. Every man should decide how he is going to
wear his sideburns and stay with his decision. No man of God will let
the world’s styles dictate his hairstyle.
D. Fingernails. The hands, as well as the fingernails, should be
kept clean. A man’s fingernails are to be cut square and neatly
trimmed. (Pointed, filed nails are feminine, not masculine.) Cuticles
should be cut and clean. A most unsightly habit is that of biting nails.
It takes approximately 21 days to overcome a habit.
E. Body and Foot Odor. The best way to avoid body and foot odor
is to be clean. After bathing, a man should wear a cologne his wife
likes so he will smell nice. The use of powder can help eliminate foot
odor. Baking soda and rubbing alcohol eliminate shoe odors. Try to
wear a different pair of shoes daily so they can air. Also, wearing
shoes that allow feet to breathe will help.
8. A counselor should be concerned about his accessories and
how they compliment his appearance.
A. Eyeglasses. A counselor should have his eyes examined from
time to time. Should he need glasses, he should purchase frames that
blend with his face. I believe he should stay away from tinted lenses
because he needs to be able to make eye contact with people seeking
counsel. He should keep in mind that security straps are for sport
purposes and are not for everyday wear. If the glasses break, have
them fixed. Don’t be so tacky as to tape the glasses together. We
must take care of our eyes; they were entrusted to us by God to read
and study His Word.
B. Umbrella. A man’s umbrella with a simple handle should be
black and preferably not the collapsible type. Golf umbrellas or an
emblem of a favorite sports team is not professional. Nice wooden
THE COUNSELOR’S WARDROBE AND GROOMING 73
handles are very impressive and bespeak professionalism.
C. Gloves. Dark brown or cordovan gloves have a rich leather
look. Wool gloves are also considered professional looking.
D. Briefcase. A plain, simple, functional briefcase is best. It should
match the leathers in the carrier’s belt and shoes. Cordovan or dark,
rich colors are preferred.
E. Hat. A standard style hat, conservative in color, should be
worn. It should match the topcoat. The only functional purpose of a
hat is to keep the head warm. A man should not wear a hat that is
big, floppy, or unusual.
F. Jewelry. Too much jewelry on a man makes him look feminine.
Necklaces are an absolute no-no for men. A necklace is “neck lace”;
let’s leave it for the ladies to wear. Cuff links are not a bad accessory
unless gaudy. Tie bars are up to the wearer, but they are virtually
never seen on professionals.
G. Watches. Deep-sea watches and sport watches are not to be
worn by professionals. Watch faces that feature Hollywood
personalities are never appropriate. Expandable bands are usually
made cheaply, so leather bands are considered best. Cordovan or
leather to match the leathers in the wearer’s shoes and belts will
promote a well-planned look. Pocket watches are serviceable. The
gold in the watch should match the gold in rings. For instance, white
gold or yellow gold watches should be matched with white gold or
yellow gold rings.
H. Belts. Always keep in mind that suspenders are not for show.
The belt leather should match the shoe color in most cases. When
possible, purchase a belt with a buckle to match the gold in watches
and rings.
In this short chapter, I cannot begin to express how important a
counselor’s clothing and personal hygiene are. Since people watch a man of
God, he is to be an example. “Ye are our epistle written in our hearts, known
and read of all men.” (II Corinthians 3:2) Our church members want to be
proud of us. Our family members want to be proud of us. Most of all, we
represent a King, and we should look like royalty as His ambassadors.
74
IX
CounselinG
and
Hope
I HAVE FOUND THAT one of the main reasons why people come for
counseling is because they need someone to rekindle their fire of
hope. In many cases, hope had previously burned and raged in
their lives; however, as a result of some disappointment or sin, the embers
and coals of hope slowly but surely were being smothered with despair. The
following passages of Scripture may be used to help create or recreate hope
for people God loves. The lack of hope or the prospect of no hope makes
the heart sick.
“Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope
in the LORD.” (Psalm 31:24) “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the
desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12) “Now the God of hope fill
you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the
power of the Holy Ghost.” (Romans 15:13)
The person being counseled needs his counselor to give him hope. To
be like God, a counselor personally should abound with hope because our
God is a God of hope. The following statements may be of help as one
counsels about having hope.
1. A counselor needs to teach the person seeking counsel that
there is no problem so big in God’s will that God cannot solve it. “Now
COUNSELING AND HOPE 75
unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think,
according to the power that worketh in us.” (Ephesians 3:20)
2. A counselor needs to tell the one seeking counsel that God
never discards anyone. “The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the
LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me
to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the
opening of the prison to them that are bound.” (Isaiah 61:1) God is a God Who
recycles, much like the modern-day saving and recycling we do of aluminum
and paper. God can and will take a life that has been used, abused, or even
damaged and recycle that life. He will make something beautiful and useful
out of it. In Jeremiah 18, God gives the prophet Jeremiah a lesson from the
potter’s wheel. “Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought
a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand
of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to
make it…Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand….”
(Jeremiah 18:3,4,6) Just as the potter did not discard the marred vessel,
neither does God discard the broken life of one of His creations. If a person
will allow Him, God will make him a new vessel that is still useable for His
service. What a wonderful and blessed hope!
3. No matter what happens to the saved person in this life, he
has a wonderful Heaven awaiting him. “In my Father’s house are many
mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for
you.” (John 14:2) Since Christians can trust and rely on God’s Word, they
have the hope of a beautiful new home in Heaven—one with streets of
gold, a river of life, and a city with gates of pearl.
4. If Christians pray and get God involved in their problems,
He can work in a supernatural way. Christians must place their hopes in
God. The Bible says in John 11:47, “Then gathered the chief priests and the
Pharisees a council, and said, What do we? for this man doeth many miracles.”
God, of course, will not do for Christians what they can do for themselves.
But God definitely can aid us and then take what we have done and
multiply it many times.
5. People sleep better if they are offered hope. Psalm 16:9 says,
“Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in
hope.” If a person cannot sleep, many times he is searching for hope. If a
counselor can give the sleepless one hope, his rest will be sweet and
rewarding.
6. Giving hope to another is an expression of love.
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 76 FOR CHRISTIANS
“Charity…Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all
things.” (I Corinthians 13:4, 7) Anyone who knows his Bible knows that
I Corinthians 13 is often called the “love chapter” of the Bible. The word
charity also means love. When a counselor offers hope, people receive it and
perceive it as love. Even those who are lost look to God, Who is Love, for
hope.
7. If I can find no hope in one area of a person’s life, I seek to
tell him of hope in another area of his life. Allow me to best explain this
point by means of examples. A marriage ending in divorce is a reason to
some for having no hope; however, I find great hope in their children.
Oftentimes, when the death of a child occurs prematurely, the parents lose
hope; however, having good health and each other and the knowledge they
will see the child again in Heaven are reasons to have great hope. “Looking
for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour
Jesus Christ.” (Titus 2:13) Perhaps a job has been lost; one’s hope is the
health to obtain another job. It surely seems to me that God always gives a
person a way to have hope; however, I do find that when a person is
discouraged, he often needs another to point the way to hope.
8. Any person who has the privilege to influence another
should include an element of hope. In one’s counseling, he may find some
people who have never had much hope. He may also find others who once
had hope but feel now it is lost. Many avenues are available to teach about
having hope—a desire accompanied by expectation.
A. Parents should teach children to have hope.
B. Sunday school teachers should teach hope in class.
C. Pastors should preach and teach hope. We must not always be
“doom-and-gloom” preachers.
D. A husband should give his wife hope.
E. A wife should give her husband hope.
F. The saved should share hope with the lost.
G. In our counseling sessions, we counselors should be sure to give
each person with whom we converse the wonderful blessing of hope.
H. One’s discipline of others should include hope. If, in counseling,
a counselor finds the need to discipline, he should always include
words of hope.
9. If I personally have no person who offers me hope, I can
claim it for myself. God and I make a majority! All true hope comes from
God and does not require human intervention. “And now, Lord, what wait
COUNSELING AND HOPE 77
I for? my hope is in thee.” (Psalm 39:7) My hope doesn’t come from others,
though God is very good to give me others who care for me. My hope is
God-given.
10. Hope is a positive expectation. God is a positive God, and in
Him we can expect great things. The Bible says, “…that ye sorrow not, even
as others which have no hope.” (I Thessalonians 4:13) As Christians, we do
not need to sorrow as others who have no hope of Heaven and no hope of
spending eternity with Jesus. A wise counselor will help a person expect
positive things as a result of doing God’s will for his life.
78
X
Counseling
and
The Importance of Patience
THE BIBLE TEACHES about patience in James 1:1–5, which
says, “James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to
the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad, greeting. My
brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that
the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work,
that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let
him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall
be given him.” Notice in verse 4 the phrase, “let patience have her perfect
work.” I believe this passage is teaching us that patience is a perfector. One
definition of the word perfect is complete or full of age. The wise counselor
will learn to let his decisions mature or develop fully before acting upon
them. Anyone who has decisions to make should learn to utilize this
principle. Every counselor wants to make mature decisions; therefore, he
needs to allow them to mature.
1. The wise counselor will gain an understanding of the Bible
meaning of “mature.” “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be
perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” (James 1:4) As I said before, we need to
give patience time to perfect our decisions. We need to allow time to
complete our thoughts. We need to let our decisions mature like apples
THE IMPORTANCE OF PATIENCE 79
ripen. We don’t pick them from the tree until they are ripe. (How many
times did your mother say, “Eating green apples will make you sick”?) We
need to remember that mature means complete. This statement is another
way to explain maturity: “Let the cup of your mind be filled with thought
before emptying into your mouth to spit out a decision.” Many of us are far
too hasty in our decision-making process. Certainly, not all decisions must
be made immediately. We, as counselors, need to slow down before we
make some terrible mistakes with a person’s life.
2. The wise counselor will realize
that time will mature his decisions. “To every
thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose
under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to
die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that
which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up; A
time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn,
and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together; a time to
embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A
time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a
time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of
peace.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1–8) Notice the Bible specifically says there is a time
for everything. Many important activities of life, from birth to death, are
listed in these verses. All have their proper timing. For instance, after
Schery and I had been dating for quite some time, I asked my father about
getting married. He wisely advised us to wait for six months because he
wanted to see if we were mature enough to feel the same way after that
additional time. We did wait, and we both found the extra time matured
our relationship. In the same way, we need to let time prove the maturity
of our decisions.
Let me share a true story using fictitious names. Two singles, Joe and
Betty, met at church. After knowing one another for only three weeks, Joe
and Betty came to me and wanted to get married within 30 days. Though
both were in their late twenties, they were very immature folks. I told them
I would have no problem performing a marriage ceremony for them in one
year. Joe and Betty said that was far too long to wait. I changed my offer to
nine months, which both rejected. Finally, I offered to perform the
“Let the cup of
your mind be
filled with
thought before
emptying into
your mouth to
spit out a
decision.”
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 80 FOR CHRISTIANS
ceremony in six months; they accepted my offer. However, Joe and Betty
broke up after two months. I allowed time to mature a decision made by
immature people.
My father taught me never to make a major decision, such as buying
a house or car, without sleeping on it. He was saying that time matures
decisions. Door-to-door salesmen must follow a law that in essence gives a
customer the right to return an item within so many days of the purchase
date. Again, time is given for the maturing process. I wonder how many
times I wanted to quit my secular job as a machinist (before I joined the
pastoral staff at First Baptist Church). I planned my resignation; but because
of my dad’s advice, I always waited overnight to turn it in, and I never did
resign because time matured my decision.
Someone has wisely said, “Everyone will sooner or later rise to his true
character level.” Time and patience will aid in the revealing of a person’s
character. Too many of us learn patience in our decision-making the hard
way. We make a decision, then act upon it immediately. Then, after we
have acted promptly, we learn the facts which we should have known
before acting!
3. The wise counselor realizes that time will make decisions for
him. “He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of
understanding holdeth his peace.” (Proverbs 11:12) A man of understanding
has rule over his own spirit, and in his wisdom he has learned to be quiet
rather than give expression to his negative feelings. He maintains his peace.
“Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established.” (Proverbs 4:26)
We must take time to consider our ways—past and present—and act
accordingly. Sometimes people want to make immediate decisions because
of their time schedule, or perhaps someone issues an ultimatum. When I
personally face this issue, I ponder my path and logic through the situation.
Invariably, I nearly always come to the same conclusion: If I cannot make
a decision and be sure the answer is right within someone else’s time frame,
I let them disqualify me. I would rather be disqualified by patience than be
disqualified for being wrong or too hasty. Far too many people worry about
issues that only time will decide.
4. The wise counselor will learn to request more time to make
his decision. If a decision needs to be made in any given area, and there is
not enough time to confidently make a decision, the counselor should ask
for more time.
5. The wise counselor will exercise patience in decision
THE IMPORTANCE OF PATIENCE 81
making. The following 11 Be’s are areas for the counselor to exercise extra
caution in making decisions:
A. Be patient when helping someone select a mate.
B. Be patient when helping someone concerning employment
opportunities.
C. Be patient when helping someone decide about a resignation.
D. Be patient when deciding to hire or terminate people on your
church staff.
E. Be patient when giving marital counseling.
F. Be patient about spending large amounts of money.
G. Be patient in the disciplining of children.
H. Be patient in the rehabilitation of people.
I. Be patient in changing long-term, previously established rules.
J. Be patient with the impatient.
K. Be patient when starting something new.
6. The wise counselor will decide slowly what is right and then
act upon it without procrastination and with deliberation. When
deciding what is right or wrong, we must let time be our friend. After we
know what is right, too much time can then become our enemy.
Too many Christians are guilty of the old cliché, “Lord, give me
patience, but I want it right now!” However, James 1:1–4 tells us the way
to have patience is by enduring testings. James 5:11 says, “Behold, we count
them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job….” Our example
of patience is Job, who lost all and passed his tests with patience.
82
XI
CounselinG
Thoughts
“Bow down thine ear, and hear the words of the wise,
and apply thine heart unto my knowledge.”
(Proverbs 22:17)
C As a counselor, I not only want to use all the wisdom I possess, I want
to use all I can borrow as well.
C It takes a wise man to give sound counsel and a wiser man to accept
and live by that counsel.
C Biblical counsel is free, but the price one pays for not following it is
quite costly.
C I never become satisfied with just giving counsel; I want to give good
counsel or none at all.
C I believe everything that mankind needs to hear has already been
said. The problem is that few people ever listen. I want to spend my
life as a counselor repeating what I have heard.
C I love the people I counsel. If I can articulate to my people how much
I love them, then my love is too shallow. True love will often find
itself at a loss for words.
C In my counseling, one of my great heartaches is to see the long
journey one must take back to usefulness as a result of just a short
detour off of the road of right.
C I have often said the following to a person seeking counsel: “Success
COUNSELING THOUGHTS 83
in your case will not be determined by how well you overcome this
difficult situation. It will be determined by whether or not you must
overcome it again.”
C The most difficult problem I counsel is the one that does not exist.
C The wise man, in my opinion, is the one who has the wisdom to find
out what he does not know.
C I have learned in the years of my counseling that many will listen to
my counsel, but few will let it transfer from their ears to their hands
and feet.
C Worry is the abuse of the mind’s capacity. Worry has never changed
a situation from bad to good, but it surely has unnecessarily changed
a good day into a bad one.
C Most of the sins committed by people are more easily solved and
counseled than is the problem caused by the way they try to hide
them.
C I try to convince the one with whom I am counseling that it is not
what happens to us that brings victory or defeat; it is what happens
in us.
C I must remind myself to be patient when counseling youth. They do
not usually admit guilt until the counselor has exhausted all the other
possibilities.