PRACTICAL CHRISTIAN COUNSELLING I

SLBC
Christian Counseling One
LESSON FOUR
CounselinG
on Marriage
“People need to be reminded more than
they need to be instructed.”
–Unknown
243
XXXIII
CounselinG
Before
An Engagement
IN PROVERBS 18:22, the Bible says, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a
good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” The key to having
a godly, successful marriage is to find the will of God concerning
whom to marry. Helping someone choose the right person may be
considered what I call “pre-engagement counseling.” I have successfully
utilized the following principles in teaching the single person about seeking
God’s will about marriage. In His Word, God designed a way for a person to
find the correct mate.
1. One must seek God’s will concerning a prospective mate.
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5, 6) A person seeking a marriage partner must believe that
God is able to do what is best for him. If we trust and ask God, forgetting
our wants and wishes, He will order our steps.
2. The prospective mate must be saved. II Corinthians 6:14 says,
“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with
darkness?” An unsaved person is not even within the realm of choice for a
Christian young person to marry. The counselor must warn of the unequal
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 244 FOR CHRISTIANS
yoke. Far too many young people marry an unsaved person and live in
misery for the rest of their lives.
“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Amos 3:3 holds a subtle
warning for the Christian. How can two people be together in marriage for
the rest of their lives if they don’t agree about Jesus? There are absolutely
no exceptions to salvation being a prerequisite for marriage.
3. A prospective mate must value the spiritual. “But seek ye first
the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added
unto you.” (Matthew 6:33) Two people who want to be married should
desire Christ above all else. They should love and want Him more than they
desire a marital partner.
“Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always
abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not
in vain in the Lord.” (I Corinthians 15:58) The dating couple should love
working for Christ and being active in His service. Christ should hold first
place in each of their lives. They should not just merely be saved, but each
should also be living for God as well. A concern for the souls of men and an
active personal relationship with God should be present.
This couple should not be interested in building their future marriage
on the basis of those temporal things which are subject to change, such as
beauty, money, or physical strength. Temporal things should not determine
God’s will in marriage.
4. The prospective mate should be ambitious and industrious.
“He becometh poor that dealeth with a slack hand: but the hand of the diligent
maketh rich.” (Proverbs 10:4) Possessing the characteristic of hard work is
a must when choosing a mate. A beautiful woman who is lazy will quickly
become ugly to her husband. A lazy man makes for a very poor husband.
“That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience
inherit the promises.” (Hebrews 6:12) A man should work to support his wife
and family. If he is able physically, he should be responsible to house her,
clothe her, and feed her and not depend upon her adding an income or on
the state for welfare. If a man is lazy before marriage, he will continue to be
lazy after marriage. The Bible has a special name for the man who will not
care for his family. “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those
of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”
(I Timothy 5:8) If a teenage girl won’t help her mother do housework, she
will make a poor wife when the housework is her personal responsibility.
5. The prospective mate should be good-natured and evenCOUNSELING
BEFORE AN ENGAGEMENT 245
tempered. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32) The
attribute of kindness should be easily seen. One should always keep in mind
that most people demonstrate their best behavior in public. What is seen of
someone’s temperament in public may very well change in private, and that
behavior usually does not improve.
“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt
not go.” Proverbs 22:24 does more than caution; it forbids a close friendship
with a routinely angry person. Friendship should come before marriage and
should carry on through the life of the marriage. Friendship is the mortar
that binds relationships. However, unresolved anger means trouble and
division in relationships.
These verses are two of many that teach the principle of marrying
another who practices self-restraint. To marry a temper-bound person is to
ask for trouble, and Proverbs 22:25 warns that one could become like the
angry person: “Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.”
6. It is desirable that the prospective mate have good training
and a good background. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when
he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) The wise person seeking
a mate will study the background of his date. Of necessity, he needs to look
at the roots. If the roots are bad, he must decide whether or not the family
recognizes the past problems. If the prospective mate is saved, but the
parents are not, the wise person will be sure his date has been doing right
for a long time before allowing a relationship to become serious. He needs
to be sure the person has been in church long enough to have received
plenty of Bible training. However, if the family is not faithful to church and
God, as a rule the date won’t be faithful in marriage like God instructs.
7. The prospective mate should have good morals. “Abstain from
all appearance of evil.” (I Thessalonians 5:22) Young people should stay pure.
This gift of purity should be closely guarded and protected. Of course, one
way to stay pure is to never be alone anywhere with a member of the
opposite sex. If a prospective couple will have sex outside of marriage with
each other, then they may have sex outside of marriage with someone else.
If a person has not stayed pure, it is unreasonable for him to expect to marry
a pure person. Even though our God is a forgiving God, His forgiveness
cannot restore someone’s physical virginity once it is lost. I believe it is best
that two “likes” in the area of purity should marry.
8. The prospective mate should be clean and neat. “Therefore
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 246 FOR CHRISTIANS
hath the LORD recompensed me according to my righteousness, according to the
cleanness of my hands in his eyesight.” (Psalm 18:24) The wearing of clean
clothes usually indicates a clean person. Cleanliness is taught in the Bible
and is expected of God’s people. I have to believe that living with a dirty
person would be very unpleasant because a dirty person will result in a dirty
house and, more than likely, dirty and unkept children. What a horrible
testimony!
9. The prospective mate should see marriage as a lifetime
agreement. “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore
God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matthew 19:6) The word
asunder is an adverb meaning into parts or pieces or apart or separate in
direction or position. According to the Greek word for asunder, God yokes
together a husband and wife; therefore, marriage should be entered into as
a lifetime commitment. Marriage partners do not go their own directions.
It is so dangerous for a couple to enter the marriage relationship with the
thought, “We can give this a try; and if it doesn’t work out, we can get a
divorce.” What a desecration of the institution of marriage! Divorce should
not even be seen as an option; the word divorce should not even be uttered
or be a part of the vocabulary in a Christian home. A couple should make
their marriage work. Once a couple has been married—yoked together by
God—He does not want that couple going in separate directions.
I believe a prospective mate should meet these prerequisites for
marriage. I am not dogmatically saying that if a person doesn’t fit every
category, he is not eligible. I am stressing that if every person carefully
seeking God’s will in choosing the right mate will follow these nine
guidelines, he will be greatly helped.
247
XXXIV
CounselinG
During
The Engagement
THE FOLLOWING THOUGHTS and direction could be given to
an engaged couple soon to be married. A word of caution:
a couple should not quickly decide to marry. If adequate
time has been given to the maturing of the relationship, premarital helps
will be a great service to the couple.
1. The counselor should instruct an engaged couple from the
beginning that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Romans 3:10
says, “As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one.” Romans 3:23 says,
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” As long as sinners are
involved, there can be no perfect marriages! We are all sinners; therefore,
we should be the best imperfect people we can be. An engaged couple needs
to realize they are two imperfect people. Therefore, a couple should practice
perfect patience and perfect longsuffering.
I believe many expect far too much of their mates. To be sure, a
husband or a wife will sin at some time or another. Some are devastated
when they find their mate has sinned. However, one does not need to
become disillusioned with a person if he never has false expectations in the
first place.
2. About one month before the wedding, the couple should
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 248 FOR CHRISTIANS
meet with their counselor for a two-hour premarital counseling session.
I believe it is very unwise to counsel much sooner because of the sensitive
nature of some of the counseling topics.
3. Premarital counseling should be going on from the time a
person is an infant. From the moment a child comes into a home, that
child is learning about marriage. He is learning about how parents should
behave and how married couples should behave. Meeting with a couple for
a two-hour session one month before the wedding does not totally prepare
them for marriage. That is impossible!
Some people mistakenly think, “I need to have some premarital
counseling to get ready for marriage.” That person should have been getting
ready all of his life. In order to have a good, strong marriage, the couple
must put a lot of time into their marriage.
The average person in the United States of America will put more
time into preparing for his wedding ceremony than he will put into
character building and preparation for marriage. He will put more time into
planning that one-hour service than he will put into planning that lifetime
contract he is about to “sign.” This two-hour appointment will be to help
them with the honeymoon and give some practical guidelines to get them
started out right.
4. During the premarital counseling session, the counselor
should discuss the four main causes of marital problems. These four
major contributors to divorce are also discussed in the marital counseling
chapter.
A. Finances. “For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while
some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves
through with many sorrows.” (I Timothy 6:10) [See chapter 27 about
“Counseling on Finances.”]
B. In-laws. “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and
mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”
(Matthew 19:5) Times will arise when a newlywed couple’s parents
won’t understand the young couple’s service to God and their
commitment to Christ and the church. There will surely be times
when a couple will make personal decisions that the in-laws will not
understand. Still, in-laws should never come between a married
couple.
C. The intimate marital life. “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let
every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
COUNSELING DURING THE ENGAGEMENT 249
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also
the wife unto the husband.” (I Corinthians 7:2, 3) The Bible teaches
that a man should be physically satisfied by his wife, and his wife
should be physically satisfied by him. The Bible teaches in these
verses the need of fulfillment in the area of the physical intimate
marital relationship. If problems arise, the couple should seek counsel
immediately.
D. The disciplining of children. “He that spareth his rod hateth his
son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” (Proverbs 13:24)
The Bible teaches to have discipline in the home. If a couple loves
their children, they will discipline them. Not disciplining indicates an
absence of love. Advance preparations must be made by a couple to
avoid this future area of possible disagreement.
The wise counselor will warn the couple that these four areas need to
be dealt with immediately as soon as a problem arises in any one of these
areas. If a couple has a difficulty in any one area, they shouldn’t think it odd
or strange. They merely need to seek help when needed.
5. The wise counselor will talk to the couple about the wisdom
of having no children for the first three years. “When a man hath taken a
new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any
business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which
he hath taken.” (Deuteronomy 24:5) A young married couple need to get to
know each other and strengthen their marriage ties. In historical Bible days
when a young man married, he did not go off to war. Even in America,
there was a day when the draft board would not call a newly married man.
Picture in your mind a young man and a young lady wanting to get
married—probably from the time they were in their teen years. After a very
long wait, she finally receives her engagement ring. They await their
wedding day with anticipation. Finally, the marriage ceremony is over, and
they leave for their long-awaited honeymoon. They have waited all those
years to be alone with each other! She unexpectedly becomes pregnant,
and, as of that night, the newlyweds are no longer alone anymore. What the
couple needed to do was take a couple of years to adjust to one another. I
believe it is a good idea for the child’s sake that the young father and
mother work the snags out of the marriage before a child becomes a family
member. When parents are in harmony with each other, a child has a better
chance of living in harmony with his parents. Therefore, I believe it is wise
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 250 FOR CHRISTIANS
for the husband and wife to plan to have no children for the first three years
of their marriage. She should probably not try to get pregnant for the first
two years and three months. Once the wife is carrying a child or a child
enters the picture, things change. All decisions include the child.
It also takes a little time to prepare financially for a child. I personally
don’t believe people should have more children than their character level
will allow them to support. Too many people have eight or ten children and
cannot care for them—monetarily or emotionally.
Many different methods of birth control are available to today’s
married couples. The wise pastor will suggest ways or refer them to a
physician.
6. The wise counselor will read and explain I Corinthians
7:3–5. “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also
the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the
husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the
wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye
may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan
tempt you not for your incontinency.” A wise counselor will take the time to
explain that the Bible teaches a husband and a wife are to spend time
together physically. The Bible uses the words “defraud ye not,” which means
the man does not have power over his body. He is to submit to his wife’s
needs physically. The husband is to fulfill his wife; the wife is to fulfill her
husband. These verses teach mutual submission. If a husband would be
concerned about fulfilling his wife, and the wife were concerned about
fulfilling her husband, problems in the intimate marital relationship would
not be so prevalent.
7. The couple should promise to never refuse each other’s
romantic advances. “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”
(Ephesians 5:21) A husband and a wife may experience some division. It
would be easy for a wife to say to her husband [and vice versa], “You can’t
touch me because I’m angry.” That spouse will be using the intimate marital
relationship as leverage in their relationship. However, the Bible instructs
explicitly that marital partners are not to reject one another’s attentions.
I cannot stress how important it is for a counselor to explain to the
husband that he should please his wife physically. It is a proven fact that
many women who have been married for as many as 60 years never one
time have fully enjoyed the intimate marital relationship. How sad and
disappointing! That wife has been robbed because the husband was so selfCOUNSELING
DURING THE ENGAGEMENT 251
centered and egotistical—all he cared about was himself. That lack of
fulfillment will cause a wife to eventually become cold. I don’t believe a
woman should ever become cold and shut out her marital partner. A
husband should help his wife to enjoy herself as much as he expects to enjoy
her.
8. When necessary, a married couple should seek counsel
about their intimate life. In Proverbs 15:22 the Bible says, “Without counsel
purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are
established.” I believe couples should be more concerned about their spiritual
life than their intimate life, but certainly the intimate area deserves and
demands attention. The physical drive needs to be met and fulfilled. I can
assure you that there is many a husband who is frustrated because he is not
sure what to do to help his wife enjoy what he gets to enjoy. There are also
many wives who are frustrated about intimacy because they are not sure
what to do.
I certainly do not mean to be inappropriate, but this area of life must
be addressed like any other area of life. All married couples need to learn.
A man’s pride usually won’t allow him to seek counsel in this area of
marriage. If a couple seeks counsel, possibly the counselor can talk to the
husband, and, if necessary, the counselor’s wife can advise the wife.
9. The wise counselor will remind a couple that he will always
be available when needed. Ninety-nine times out of 100, a couple will
come back to the person who helped them get started in their marriage
relationship. I Corinthians 13:8 says, “Charity never faileth: but whether there
be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether
there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.” A pastor’s love should not fail his
people. The people should know and realize their pastor will be available
and loves them and wants to help them. If a pastor loves his people
unconditionally, they will seek counsel.
10. The newly married couple should read books on marriage.
In fact, a good idea might be to assign a book on marriage for them to read.
A counselor needs to find books that he can recommend.
11. Both the husband and the wife should have an attractive
evening wardrobe. “I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful
in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered
me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with
ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.” (Isaiah 61:10)
Proverbs 31:22 says, “She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 252 FOR CHRISTIANS
silk and purple.” My wife once heard the late Mrs. John R. Rice teach on
Proverbs 31:22 and the importance of a wife’s evening wardrobe. There is
nothing wrong with a husband and a wife having attractive sleepwear.
Every husband should have decent clothes to wear to bed; I believe
the same for every wife. The mystique of marriage is enhanced. The wise
counselor will remind the husband that his wife cannot purchase attractive
nightclothes unless he gives her money to do so.
12. The newly married couple needs to be careful about
cleanliness. The Bible has much to say about being clean. Many have heard
John Wesley’s quote: “Certainly this is a duty, not a sin. Cleanliness is next
to godliness.” It’s still true! I have heard of husbands who come home from
work and are dirty, and they won’t take a shower before they go to bed. He
cannot understand why his wife is not interested in being intimate with
him. He might even ask, “Honey, what’s wrong?” If she could tell the truth,
she would say, “You smell bad.”
I must say that I wonder about a man who cares about the freshness
of his breath before marriage, but the minute he is married he doesn’t use
breath fresheners any longer. Maintaining that level of cleanliness is very
important. A husband should wear cologne that he enjoys for his wife’s
sake. I believe the same courtesies should also be shown by the wife.
13. A couple should make big of their anniversary date. “And I
have also heard the groaning of the children of Israel, whom the Egyptians keep
in bondage; and I have remembered my covenant.” (Exodus 6:5) This verse
is one of many which show how God made covenants with His people.
Marriage is also a covenant. The bride and groom promise: “For better or
for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us
part.” An anniversary is saying, “I remember the day I made the promise.”
Therefore, I believe a husband and wife should remember to make big of the
day they covenanted together.
A young couple who is about to be married should be told to make big
over their future anniversary days. A counselor should prompt a couple to
make sure that they video their wedding, have an audio cassette made of
the wedding ceremony, and have many pictures taken at their marriage.
Why? Each year at anniversary time, they should be reminded of their
covenant.
I once counseled with a young lady who was planning to leave her
husband. I advised, “When you get up in the morning, fix a cup of coffee
and sit down on the sofa. Then I want you to watch carefully the video of
COUNSELING DURING THE ENGAGEMENT 253
your wedding. Then, get out the picture album of your wedding and look
through all the pictures. Call me before you leave him.”
The next day she followed my instructions. She called, weeping.
“Brother Owens, I am so sorry. I followed your instructions; I watched the
video and looked at the pictures. I promise to get right with my husband
tonight. I now remember my vows and my wedding day.”
The world jokes about how the husband always forgets the
anniversary. I believe it is fine to joke about the husband forgetting if he
never forgets one of the greatest commitments he has made in his life. How
foolish it is to forget. As the world jokes lightly about the covenant of
marriage, two out of three marriages end in divorce. God remembered His
covenant with His people; a couple needs to remember their covenant at
the wedding altar.
14. Every couple should cut the word “divorce” out of their
dictionary. The word quit, which goes hand in hand with the word divorce,
is another word to cut out of the dictionary. If you go to my library and
check my dictionaries, you will not find the word quit. Matthew 19:6 says,
“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath
joined together, let not man put asunder.” Becoming one flesh was God’s plan.
Marriage is an unconditional love commitment, a spiritual commitment.
Every couple must realize that the relationship between a husband and wife
is a beautiful picture of the relationship between Christ and the church.
Since marriage was the first institution God created, a couple must
constantly work at preserving their marriage.
254
XXXV
CounselinG
on
Marriage
IN MATTHEW 19:3–8, the Bible says, “The Pharisees also came unto
him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put
away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them,
Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and
female. And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall
cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more
twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put
asunder. They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of
divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the
hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the
beginning it was not so.”
In America today, statistics show that one out of two marriages end
in divorce. Other statistics indicate the divorce rate is as high as sixty
percent. This percentage would probably be higher if people didn’t sinfully
live together instead of marrying, causing no divorce to be recorded when
they go their separate ways.
Three reasons for this high rate of divorce are as follows:
C A decrease in a Biblical influence on the family.
C A decrease in a Biblical standard of living, which consequently
COUNSELING ON MARRIAGE 255
brings a decrease in sexual morality.
C A higher percentage of immature people who get married, as
well as young people who have no respect for authority—
especially the authority of the Word of God.
When people are converted and begin to live according to the Bible,
the number of divorces decreases. Choosing the right mate is as much a key
to having a successful marriage as being the right kind of mate. One must
prepare for a successful marriage, as well as continue to work at it after
marriage. The institution of marriage never fails; people fail. A counselor
must be well prepared to help work out the conflicts of a marriage.
MARRIAGE IS A LIFETIME CONTRACT
Matthew 19:5 says, “And said, For this cause shall a man leave father
and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?”
Matthew 19:5 is a New Testament quote of Genesis 2:24 which says,
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his
wife: and they shall be one flesh.” The husband is to cleave to his wife. The
word cleave is a verb which means to cling to or to be faithful to. The marriage
contract stipulates leaving behind all, including parents, clinging to each
other for mutual support.
Genesis 2:21–23 says, “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall
upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh
instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he
a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of
my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was
taken out of Man.” God easily could have made Eve without the taking of
Adam’s rib. God could have formed Eve from the dust of the ground as He
did Adam in Genesis 2:7. I believe God made woman from man’s rib to
symbolize that they were to be one flesh.
Every counselor should have as his goal to help reconcile marriages.
I believe God can work miracles if people will let Him. Since entire books
have been written on marriage, this chapter will be far from comprehensive.
The principles presented will be helpful to study for guidelines on how to
conduct a marriage counseling appointment.
1. Both the husband and the wife must be present for a
marriage counseling appointment. It is very difficult to counsel two-party
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 256 FOR CHRISTIANS
problems with only one person present. I may be able to teach one member
about how to be a good Christian, but I can’t help repair a marriage with
only one person. I have found that when only one person will come for
counseling, what was said during the appointment often gets back to the
other party. Usually what is said is biased. The counselor may lose the
confidence of the person who did not come for the appointment.
2. A counselor may advise an individual in a troubled marriage
about how to be a good Christian. The wise counselor will graciously
decline counseling with the husband who seeks marital advice without his
wife present. If the husband is sure his wife will not come for counseling, the
counselor may want to counsel him on ways to become a better Christian.
The counselor may want to discuss what good Christians do in his situation.
I believe if we would all just be good Christians, marriages would go better.
The counselor should instruct the husband to read his Bible and pray,
which are definitely a part of the solution to marital problems.
3. The wise counselor will have a specific agenda for a marital
counseling session. Both the husband and wife must be present in the
office. A fair plan must be presented to both. I often start the appointment
by saying, “I’m very glad you both came today. Before we start, I want to
explain something to both of you. Sir, I am not on your wife’s side, and I
want you to know it. Ma’am, I want you to know that I am not on your
husband’s side. I do not take sides in my counseling. I want us all to be on
the side of right. Neither of you have to worry about this information or
counseling being biased.”
Then, I tell them that I will talk to each one privately about the
situation, and then we will meet together after the private sessions.
In preparation to talk to each person privately, I may make this
statement or one similar: “I would like to ask one of you to go to the waiting
room for just a few minutes while I talk to the other. Why don’t we let
ladies go first? I’ll talk to your wife first.” I then direct the husband to the
waiting room and let him know I will call him in just a few minutes. (The
counselor may feel it wise to leave the door slightly ajar when counseling
alone with a lady.)
I ask questions, and I listen to the wife. I take notes while listening to
her side. When we are finished, I ask the wife to leave, and the husband
comes in. I listen, take notes, and ask questions.
I take a few moments alone to look over my notes and their answers.
I then meet with both for a conclusion. During this time, while using the
COUNSELING ON MARRIAGE 257
answers to my questions, I try to begin repairing misunderstandings. Please
note that I do not feel that one person should try to change the other
person. However, I do feel that each should work at changing self. I find it
is not always wise to reveal answers they have given in private to my
questions.
I assure them both that while each was in my presence that each was
very kind and appropriate concerning the other.
4. The wise counselor will have prepared questions to ask
during the marriage counseling session. I ask the following questions to
both the husband and wife while I am meeting privately with each:
A. What would you most like to change about your spouse?
B. What would you most like to change about yourself?
C. What would your spouse most like to change about you?
I use both sides of a 3 x 5 card for these questions, which are already
written on both sides of the card. I write the lady’s name at the top of one
side, and the husband’s name is on the other side. I leave space in between
for their answers. I must admit that after asking these three questions to
both the husband and the wife, I am amazed at how often they already
know what needs to be changed! Allow me to make the following
observations:
1) If they know what needs to be changed, but they have
refused to change, pride has entered into their marriage
relationship.
2) If they know what needs to be changed and pride is not
the problem, they need the counselor to train them to solve
their problems. Organization is their answer.
5. The wise counselor will assure them that their problem is
not uncommon. Sometimes people will hesitate to reveal some of their
conflicts because they think that they are the only ones that have that
struggle. They may be less embarrassed if the counselor says, “A problem
like this is not uncommon.” They are more apt to open up, and the
counselor will better be able to help them.
6. The wise counselor will offer a prescription for the solution
to the problem. The wise counselor acts like a doctor who dispenses
prescriptions. Though most doctors write their own prescriptions, I
recommend the following procedure:
A. The counselor should ask the wife to write the “prescription”
as he dictates it. One reason for doing so is she will be more likely to
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 258 FOR CHRISTIANS
give attention to the details when it is in her own handwriting.
B. The counselor should repeat the “prescription.” He needs to be
sure the instructions are written correctly. If a doctor writes the
wrong prescription, the illness cannot be cured.
C. Ask both the husband and wife to promise to follow the
“prescription.” Perhaps each should sign the prescription.
PRESCRIPTIONS OFTEN NEEDED BY COUPLES
C The decision-making areas in the relationship need to be
divided. If a couple cannot agree in making decisions, it is very obvious that
the counselor needs to assign given areas to the husband and the wife. By
doing so, the husband makes some decisions on his own, and the wife
makes some decisions on her own. They both must agree to abide with each
other’s decisions in those given areas. For instance, some husbands and
wives cannot agree in the area of finances. Therefore, a decision must be
made as to who will pay the bills. They simply must not share this
responsibility.
Not many couples can agree in the grocery store. He questions and
wonders why she is buying this or that or why she is doing it that way. The
truth is, the husband would be much better off giving her grocery money
and letting her go to the store alone. He should let her have that area of
expertise so there is no disagreement.
Basically, what I am suggesting is that some couples are not good
enough Christians to harmonize when sharing some responsibilities. The
counselor helps them avoid that area of conflict. For this particular
prescription, she writes down the areas in which they will divide their
decision-making.
C The wife should have a given number of hours each week away
from the house. Frequently, a husband is gone 40 to 50 hours a week, but
the wife is left at home and never seems to have time away from the house.
This situation can become very frustrating to a woman if she never has any
free time. After all, the husband does not spend entire days “locked up” in
the house with children. She, too, needs a chance to breathe! She needs an
opportunity to have friends. She, too, needs the chance to buy a refreshing
drink and relax. Often a husband stops on the way to work to buy himself
something to eat if he wants; however, his wife doesn’t have that luxury.
COUNSELING ON MARRIAGE 259
The counselor’s prescription is to organize how much time the wife
needs to herself and when the time will be spent, and then she will write
those findings on the prescription blank.
C The married couple should have a weekly date. Rarely do I find
a couple who has a weekly date. Those who are experiencing difficulties
seem never to have dates. Without fail, my wife and I go out together every
Monday afternoon. Before they get married, a couple wants to date every
day and spend every available minute together. But after he places a ring on
her finger, many a husband never dates his wife again! That philosophy is
not right! A marriage will not stay together unless a couple spends quality
time together on a regular basis. When both the husband and wife know
they will have each other all to themselves at a given time, it provides much
security and comfort—especially during stressful times.
The counselor’s prescription is to help the couple set a time for a
weekly date, and the wife needs to fill out the prescription form with that
set time.
C The husband should plan regularly scheduled times with each
child. In the average home, the mother always cares for the children. It’s sad
to say, but true, that fathers rarely spend any structured or scheduled
individual times with their children. As I have mentioned elsewhere, family
time is so important. More important than family time is individualized time
spent with the family. If a person had to choose between spending time with
individuals and spending time with the family, I believe he is better off to
spend time with the individuals. The individual relationships build the
strong family unit. Far too many Christian fathers are failing in this area by
not spending any time or enough time with his sons or daughters.
The wise counselor will advise the husband how to spend quality time
with his children. The wife will write those times on the prescription.
To be sure, these are not all the “prescriptions” available to troubled
marriages. I do find these areas are the most prevalent problem areas. The
counselor needs to keep in mind that his prescriptions will help the people
with whom he is counseling to know what is expected of them.
7. The wise counselor will remind the couple of God’s
priorities for their lives. Sometimes people are so busy choosing priorities
that they do not remember that God has priorities for Christians’ lives.
When counseling people, the wise counselor will remind the couple of the
priorities that God has given to them in life. Let me share the top priorities
the Bible gives to a husband and wife.
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 260 FOR CHRISTIANS
A. The husband’s priority is work. According to Genesis 2:15,
God created man to care for the “garden.” “And the LORD God took
the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.”
Both need to be reminded that man’s original purpose in life is to
work.
B. The wife’s priority is the man. According to Genesis 2:18, the
woman (or the wife) was created to care for the man. “And the LORD
God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an
help meet for him.” A wife needs to be reminded of the purpose for her
creation—to be a help fit for her husband.
C. God commands both the husband and the wife to each work on
weak areas. For instance, in Ephesians 5:25 the Bible says,
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and
gave himself for it.” God commanded the husband to work on loving
his wife because that is man’s weak point. It is very easy for man to
love his work and to be captivated by his work. Why? Because God
created him to work. God knew He would not need to command the
man to work. Rather, He knew the man needed to be commanded to
love his wife and express that love. Therefore, the Bible reminds man
he must spend time with his wife and love her.
On the other hand, God also knew that woman would express
her love, so He commanded her to obey or to submit according to
Ephesians 5:22, which says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord.” Why? Because it is easier for a wife to
love; however, it is more difficult for her to submit or obey her
husband.
God gave commands concerning the weak areas. He
commanded the husband to love and the wife to submit. Often in
marital counseling, the need arises to remind the husband and wife
of their specific priorities. A wife may complain because her husband
loves his work. She ought to be thankful! A husband may complain
because his wife is too romantic. She is supposed to be romantic and
affectionate! The couple needs to be reminded of God’s priorities for
their lives.
8. If he feels it is necessary, the wise counselor will suggest
scheduling a follow-up appointment. After counseling and spending time
with a couple and giving his prescription, the counselor may want to
schedule an appointment for one month later. If he feels no follow-up is
COUNSELING ON MARRIAGE 261
needed, he should let them know that he is available if problems arise in the
future.
9. The wise counselor will make sure that no one feels he has
been biased. At the same time, he should assure the couple that he is not
personally against either one of them. He is merely trying to help them solve
a difficulty.
10. When having a follow-up appointment, the wise counselor
will check to see if the prescription is being followed. The person who is
ill cannot get well if he doesn’t purchase the needed medication the medical
doctor has dispensed. In the same way, if the prescription the counselor
advises is not being used, how can a couple expect any healing?
11. The wise counselor will explain that a husband cannot
expect a wife to have a man’s disposition. He cannot expect her to act
like a man, think like a man, respond like a man, or have the emotions of
a man. The Bible says in Genesis 5:2a, “Male and female created he them.”
God’s plan was to make the man and woman different from the very
beginning.
12. The wise counselor should schedule adequate time for a
marriage counseling appointment. I find that most marriage counseling
appointments last one to two hours.
13. Every counselor should be familiar with the four main
causes of marital problems.
A. Finances. It is a fact of life that a woman needs security. When
she left the security of her father, she hoped and believed that loss
would be replaced by her husband. However, receiving shut-off
notices from the electric company does not engender security. In the
first years of marriage, far too many newly married couples want the
same standard of living and the same material possessions their
parents enjoy. They, too, easily forget that their parents struggled and
worked all of their lives to have the niceties they now take delight in
having.
Credit buying can easily destroy a marriage. The wise counselor
will help a young married couple organize their finances. He will also
teach them restraint and how to wait. (See chapter 27.)
B. In-laws. If a man wants to get married but feels he must live
with his in-laws or his parents, he is not ready for marriage. The Bible
teaches that a couple is to leave mother and father and cleave to one
another. It is best for a couple to live alone. I am not discounting a
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 262 FOR CHRISTIANS
rare emergency situation arising that necessitates a young married
couple living with parents; these do happen. However, living with
parents often causes a number of problems. For instance, the first
time a new wife hears her husband say to his mother, “You’re the best
cook in the world,” he is in big trouble! Or, the first time a new
husband finds that his wife has borrowed a few dollars from her dad,
she will have an irate husband on her hands.
In the same respect, the wife should not spend too much time
with her parents or at their home. The same is true for the husband
and his parents. Without meaning to interfere, in-laws often are
quick to take sides. Guess on whose side they are most apt to be? The
in-laws should be loved and treated like family, but they should not
be allowed to hinder their children’s marital relationship.
C. The intimate marital relationship. As I mentioned elsewhere,
a couple should be instructed to kiss and make up before going to bed
for the evening. They should be physically clean for one another.
Both should have attractive sleepwear. Both should watch their
weight. Both should strive to satisfy each other intimately. A man
should never compare his wife’s beauty to another. Each should
regularly send sweet notes, give flowers, make short phone calls, give
gifts, and so forth.
D. The disciplining of children. The Bible is very clear concerning
the correct form of punishment to be used on a child. “Foolishness is
bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far
from him.” (Proverbs 22:15) “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a
child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. (Proverbs 29:15)
According to these verses, the Bible advocates corporal punishment.
There should not be any difficulty about the disciplining of children
because the Bible is very clear about what to do. However, if there
are differences, they should not occur in the presence of the child.
The parents must work together in the rearing of their children.
This short chapter seems a futile attempt to explore one of God’s
most wonderful institutions and plans for His people. As Christians, we
should work to build successful marriages on the Biblical principles God has
provided for us in His Word. The wise counselor will study and seek more
truths from the Word of God about marriage.
263
XXXVI
CounselinG
on
Divorce
UNFORTUNATELY, EVEN IN Christian homes, divorce is on the
upswing. Because of this fact, the counselor needs to be
prepared to help those remaining in the broken home. The
repercussions from desertion and divorce are devastating to all involved,
especially to the children. One of the saddest facts is that divorce doesn’t
solve problems; it creates a new set of problems. Often, the person who
thinks divorce will solve all his problems encounters the same set of
problems, as well as creates a new set of difficulties.
1. THE COUNSELOR SHOULD BE PREPARED TO COUNSEL A WIFE
WHOSE HUSBAND HAS DESERTED HER. The following are principles and
steps I teach to a wife who has been deserted.
A. She should not be seen with other men. She should strive to
remain pure.
B. If she has charge of the children, she should give much
attention to the children and their rearing. She now has extra love to
give, and that love should be channeled to her children, who will
more than likely not be receiving any attention from their father at
this time in their lives.
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 264 FOR CHRISTIANS
C. She should never criticize the children’s father. Though it
would be very easy, she should not be negative to the children about
her situation. They do not need to have their affections divided, nor
do they need to choose between their parents.
D. She should spend a lot of time at home. By doing so, if her
spouse happens to come home, she will be available for reconciliation.
E. She should accept his telephone calls. Granted, hearing his
voice can be difficult. I believe she should even attempt to
communicate frequently with him.
F. She should work diligently on the upkeep of her house. If and
when her spouse does come home, the atmosphere of cleanliness and
neatness will be attractive and tempting to him.
G. She should not speak negatively concerning her situation to her
friends and family. As much as possible, I advise to keep the situation
confidential. The fewer people who know about the problem, the
more her spouse is able to save face and the more likely he is to
return. However, if she has maligned him to the point everyone is
against him, how can he possibly return? A man’s pride and ego
cannot take that kind of attack.
H. She should keep up her personal appearance. She needs to be
attractive for him if he returns.
I. She should read much in her Bible. She should study and
meditate on stories of reconciliation, such as the story of Hosea and
Gomer. She should also stay faithful to the church services, as well as
in her service to the Lord.
J. She should pray and ask God to bring her spouse home as pure
as when he left. She should also ask God to bring him back as quickly
as possible.
K. She should search her life for anything that would hinder the
reconciliation. By all means, she should seek counsel to help her
overcome any character flaws that may have contributed to his
leaving.
L. She should seek counsel concerning reconciliation. The
reestablishment of cordial relations may be very difficult to attain.
The wise wife will seek counsel to be ready should her husband
choose to return.
COUNSELING ON DIVORCE 265
2. THE WISE COUNSELOR SHOULD BE PREPARED TO COUNSEL A
HUSBAND WHOSE WIFE HAS LEFT. The following are the principles and
steps I use with a husband who has been deserted by his wife:
A. He should not be seen with other women. He should strive to
remain pure.
B. If he has charge of the children, he should give much attention
to the children and their rearing. He now has extra love to give, and
that love should be channeled to his children, who will more than
likely not be receiving any attention from their mother at this time in
their lives.
C. He should never criticize the children’s mother. Though it
would be very easy, he should not be negative to the children about
his situation. They do not need to have their affections divided, nor
do they need to choose between their parents.
D. He should spend a lot of time at home. By doing so, if his
spouse happens to come home, he will be available for reconciliation.
E. He should accept her telephone calls. Granted, hearing her
voice can be difficult. I believe he should even attempt to
communicate frequently with her.
F. He should not speak negatively concerning his situation to his
friends and family. As much as possible, I advise to keep the situation
confidential. The fewer people who know about the problem, the
more his spouse is able to save face and the more likely she is to
return. However, if he has maligned his wife to the point where
everyone is against her, how can she possibly return?
G. He should keep up his personal appearance. He needs to be
attractive for his wife if she returns.
H. He should read much in his Bible. He should study and
meditate on stories of reconciliation, such as the story of Hosea and
Gomer. He should also stay faithful to the church services, as well as
in his service to the Lord.
I. He should pray and ask God to bring his spouse home as pure
as when she left. He should also ask God to bring her back as quickly
as possible.
J. He should search his life for anything that would hinder the
reconciliation. By all means, he should seek counsel to help overcome
any character flaws that may have contributed to her leaving.
K. He should seek counsel concerning reconciliation. The
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 266 FOR CHRISTIANS
reestablishment of cordial relations may be very difficult to attain.
The wise husband will seek counsel to be ready should his wife
choose to return.
3. THE WISE COUNSELOR WILL HAVE COUNSELING STRATEGIES
PREPARED TO HELP THOSE WHO ARE DIVORCED. The following are simple
counseling suggestions and statements that I use for those who are
divorced:
A. Divorced people are just as precious to God as are married
people. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
(John 3:16) “Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in
thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were
fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy
thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count
them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still
with thee.” (Psalm 139:16–18)
B. Divorced people can still serve God and should be allowed to
do so. “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye
present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is
your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye
transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that
good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” (Romans 12:1, 2)
C. A divorced person should be slow to decide about remarriage
and should seek Biblical counsel before doing so. “Art thou bound unto
a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.
But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she
hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I
spare you.” (I Corinthians 7:27, 28)
D. A divorced person should behave in a Christlike manner
toward his former spouse. “And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath
forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
E. A divorced person should be advised to think through his
previous marital situation and use his experience in a positive way
to help himself and others. “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil
the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
F. A divorced person should guard against lust and impurity.
COUNSELING ON DIVORCE 267
“Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from
fleshly lusts, which war against the soul.” (I Peter 2:11)
G. A divorced person should be sure his first commitment is to
Christ. The time he spends alone without a mate could strengthen
his walk with God and his service to God in a tremendous way. “But
I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the
things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is
married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his
wife.” (I Corinthians 7:32, 33)
I trust these few pages about divorce will compel the counselor to
help those who are divorced to recommit their lives to Christ. They need
someone to believe in them, and the wise counselor will ask God for extra
wisdom in guiding those who have suffered through the trauma of desertion
and/or divorce.
268
XXXVII
CounselinG
and
The Death of a Mate
PSALM 23 SAYS, “The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He
maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the
still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of
righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff
they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine
enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness
and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of
the LORD for ever.” This Psalm is probably one of the most comforting
passages of Scripture I know.
The death of a mate can be very devastating to a person. The wise
counselor will want to be well prepared to help in this time of loss. The
following points may assist a counselor as he counsels in this situation:
1. The wise counselor will be prepared to recommend a funeral
director. The wise pastor will establish a good working relationship with a
local funeral home.
2. The wise counselor will be willing to help in the contacting
of family members. Breaking the sad news to others is not easy for the
living spouse. The counselor should offer his services to the grieving one.
COUNSELING AND THE DEATH OF A MATE 269
3. The wise counselor may need to advise restraint in funeral
expenses. The counselor should help the person who is grieving to make
good financial decisions. For instance, an elaborate, gold-trimmed casket is
not necessary if finances are a consideration. Counselors need to keep in
mind that the people who sell caskets are in business to make money.
Counselors are in the business of helping people—especially in the time of
bereavement.
4. The wise counselor will have a plan to organize people to
provide food. Generally, a meal is provided for the immediate and extended
family following the memorial service. Also, a plan to implement the
delivery of food is needed.
5. The wise counselor will help plan the funeral service. He
may want to care for calling the local newspaper to place the obituary
notice. He needs to include the time and place of the funeral. Simple details
such as these become complicated when a person is grieving. Often, the
grieving person is unable to make decisions and needs guidance in these
areas.
6. The wise counselor will let the survivor know immediately
of his availability. At this time of loss, the spouse needs a friend to listen
perhaps much more than he needs a friend to talk. The wise counselor will
make himself available in any way for the sake of the grieving person.
7. The wise counselor will remind the grieving one of his
availability at the cemetery. In a week or two, he may once again offer his
assistance when visiting. Waiting a couple of weeks often gives the bereaved
person a sufficient amount of time to want to begin dealing with the
changes that must come to his life.
8. If asked for counsel by a widow, the wise counselor will
discuss the following issues and questions in her life.
A. Where will you live?
B. How will the memories of living in the same house affect you?
C. Is your present house too big for you?
D. Can you maintain and care adequately for the house
financially?
E. How much security does your house offer?
F. Can you afford to stay in your present house?
If the widow cannot afford to keep the house, the counselor should
discuss with her what realtor to contact. The counselor should warn her
about shady offers. He needs to suggest that she contact someone trustPRACTICAL
COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 270 FOR CHRISTIANS
worthy, perhaps an attorney, before making any decisions. He might even
recommend a good lawyer she could contact.
9. The wise counselor will learn about wills and be prepared to
help. Many times, local libraries have all the information readily available
that a counselor would need to study to have a good foundational
knowledge in this area.
10. The wise counselor will be prepared to discuss insurance
settlements and financial investments. He should have some knowledge
of interest rates, stocks, and portfolios. He may need to advise a widow
about properly utilizing and investing insurance money.
11. The wise counselor will study and be knowledgeable about
such terms as prime rate, certificates of deposit, government bonds, etc.
If the survivor has been left an inheritance, the counselor should be ready
to help guide in making decisions concerning the best ways to invest that
money. Having knowledge in these areas will be of great help for
investments. A counselor should not personally be a part of any
transaction. After discussing options, he needs to simply recommend an
attorney to help with the legalities.
12. The wise counselor will discuss the grieving person’s future.
Many questions, such as the following, will need to be answered:
A. Will the survivor need to fill void time?
B. If the wife is the survivor, will she need part-time or full-time
employment to fulfill necessary needs?
C. Are there children at home? If so, their schedules will need to
be discussed.
13. The wise counselor will find out if the bereaved one needs
friends. A counselor should plan to help find good Christian people for a
support group. Extra support at a time of loss is very important. It is wise to
have many people to offer this support as opposed to one person. Becoming
too attached to one person can become overwhelming for that one person.
The one who has already sustained a loss cannot possibly cope with losing
a second person so soon.
14. The wise counselor will not force any decision-making; he
will only advise. At a time of loss, it is common for some to be slow to ask
for help and advice. Proverbs 21:5 says, “The thoughts of the diligent tend only
to plenteousness; but of every one that is hasty only to want.” The Bible advises
to think through decisions with care and deliberation.
15. The wise counselor will advise a grieving widow to discuss
COUNSELING AND THE DEATH OF A MATE 271
his advice with her immediate family members. For all involved, this
discussion is best.
16. The wise counselor will occasionally write to the bereaved
person. Words of encouragement are always needed after a loss. However,
a counselor shouldn’t expect a response to his solicitousness.
17. The wise counselor will make his presence known by going
by the home in a couple of months to assure them of his prayers. Once
again, a counselor should offer his services in any way he can be of help.
18. The wise counselor will advise the bereaved one to make all
decisions slowly and delicately and with deliberation. “Seest thou a man
that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him.” (Proverbs
29:20) The Bible warns against being quick with words—that is, responding
without thinking. Decisions made quickly without thinking will irrevocably
damage a testimony or the future ministry of a person.
19. The wise counselor should note that there is nothing sinful
about grieving the loss of a loved one. A grieving person generally goes
through five stages of acceptance, which are as follows: denial, anger,
bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. Everyone goes through these
five stages, no matter how tragic or how trivial a loss might be. The only
difference is the length of time it takes to go through them and the intensity
of emotion felt during each stage. It is good to be aware of these phases of
recovery and to know that each is both necessary and natural. However,
grieving is like all other things we do: if it is in excess, then it may become
inappropriate or nonproductive.
To feel pain after a loss is normal; it’s proof that we are alive and a
sign that we are able to respond to life’s experiences. The wise counselor
will seek to be as the Holy Spirit—a comforter. “Who comforteth us in all our
tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the
comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” (II Corinthians 1:4)
Note: The wise counselor could well use some of the 19 guidelines when
helping a divorced person as well.
272
XXXVIII
CounselinG
and
Necessary Separation
for Married Couples
IN II CORINTHIANS 6:14–18, the Bible says, “Be ye not unequally
yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness
with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth
with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are
the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in
them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out
from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean
thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my
sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.”
Counseling does not always consist of only right and wrong or black
and white decisions. Many times decisions are made based upon good,
better, or best. The points I have listed below are ideas I would share with
a couple who wants the very best.
1. Married couples should not spend an abundance of time
with people who are single. Before marriage, single people obviously
fellowship with single people. This interaction is good and wholesome
NECESSARY SEPARATION FOR MARRIED COUPLES 273
because single people have a common denominator. A married couple—
especially a newly married couple—needs to be instructed concerning the
finding of married couples with whom to fellowship. When married couples
spend too much time with their former single friends, they can be
influenced to remember the “good old days” of being a single person. Since
marriage is until “death do us part,” constant interaction with singles can
no longer be acceptable.
2. Married people should not spend an abundance of time with
people who were at one time married and are now divorced. I often find
that most divorces end with harsh words and bitterness. Those feelings lead
to vocal criticisms that could adversely affect a good marriage. I cannot
stress enough that it is best for happily married people if they fellowship
with other happily married people.
3. Saved, fundamental, Baptist married people should not
fellowship with lost couples. People who are on their way to Heaven have
nothing in common with those on their way to Hell. In fact, this particular
area of separation is a Scriptural command. If we are concerned about
seeing a couple saved, then by all means, we should witness to them. No
couple, by any means, should risk their marriage or Christian testimony by
fellowshipping with the lost.
4. Spiritual married couples should not fellowship with nonspiritual
couples. It is sad to say, but true, that a married couple may be
saved but not interested in serving Christ. Brother Hyles often says, “One
mono + no mono = two mono.” A non-spiritual couple will pull down the
spiritual couple to their level of Christian service. Therefore, this
uninterested couple would not be good for fellowship for a dedicated
Christian couple. The non-spiritual ones should be loved but not developed
into a best-friend couple until they have grown in the Lord.
5. Married couples should be advised not to have just one
“best-friend” couple but many “best-friend” couples. When there is only
one best-friend couple, the opportunity for an adultery-type situation
increases. Two couples who spend too much time together become overly
familiar with one another. Becoming too casual around another’s mate is
dangerous. Having several couples as friends creates the opportunity for
plenty of fellowship. Since this fellowship is not with just one other couple,
it helps to keep the proper mystique and distance in the friendship.
6. Married couples should be careful to fellowship with married
couples their own approximate age. Many young couples who spend too
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 274 FOR CHRISTIANS
much time with older couples begin to covet the belongings of the older
couple. This desire could lead to some poor financial decisions on the part
of the young couple. A young married couple needs to fellowship with other
couples their own age and recognize that others face the same problems
they do.
Another potential danger for couples not in the same approximate
age bracket who are spending too much leisure time together is the danger
of the older man being attracted to the beauty of the younger woman or the
younger woman being attracted to the maturity of the older man.
For these two reasons, young couples should fellowship mostly with
couples in their own age bracket.
7. Married couples should not fellowship with couples who are
critical. I cannot begin to emphasize how dangerous it is for a couple to
spend time with those who have a negative or critical nature. If a lady finds
herself with another wife who criticizes her husband, she should part
company. No happily married lady wants to develop this same attitude. If
a couple is critical of the pastor or the church’s leadership, certainly that
couple would not make good associates.
8. Married couples who are loyal should not fellowship with
couples who seem to be disloyal. A loyal couple who associates with a
disloyal couple can create an atmosphere of disloyalty. A married couple
should be advised to find people who love God, love each other, love the
pastor, and love the church and fellowship with them. Disloyal people
“discuss” God, God’s man, and God’s people; a little peer pressure goes a
long way in pulling down a loyal couple. I have found that adults must deal
with peer pressure just as surely as any teenager must learn to deal with it.
275
XXXIX
CounselinG
About
Miscarriages
GOD’S ANSWER TO abortion is Jeremiah 1:5, which says,
“Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou
camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained
thee a prophet unto the nations.” God knew Jeremiah and had a plan for his
life before he was even born. Perhaps the knowledge that God knows us and
our children is one of the reasons why a miscarriage is so devastating.
According to Jeremiah 1:5, God had a definite plan for that baby.
Miscarriages are caused by a variety of reasons. Whatever the cause
or reason, the grief experienced by those involved is not lessened. The
following thoughts will help the thoughtful counselor to help the ones who
are hurting:
1. A miscarriage is the loss of a child. The length of someone’s
life does not determine the extent of the grief experienced by loved ones at
the time of death. Whether or not a mother carried the baby for one month
or ten months, she still knew that child and lost that child. Often a husband
needs to be reminded that his wife’s grief is real. He should and, in many
cases, does experience grief himself as well.
2. Even after a miscarriage, a woman’s body may continue to
“think” it is still carrying a baby. Every expectant mother’s bodily clock
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 276 FOR CHRISTIANS
is set for nine months. The ever-changing hormones are still present, and
they are a constant reminder of her pregnancy. In some cases, it may take
her body six months or more to adjust to the loss of her baby.
3. The mother’s grief is not only physical. A woman herself is
born with an innate desire to bear children and to be a mother. For
instance, most every little girl plays with dolls; she is the mommy. Maybe
she cares for siblings or baby-sits other children, thereby increasing her
desire to have her own children. All the while, she practices motherhood
the best way she can.
Mothers have a special love for their children. The loss of a child is
very difficult to handle. A mother does not need to see or hold a child to
love him. A child is born in a woman’s mind and heart long before he is
conceived.
4. Her husband is not as aware of the child’s presence after
conception as the wife is. She carries the baby within her body; he only
hears about the baby. She endures the sicknesses and pains; he only hears
of them. She feels her body changing; he only watches the changes. She
cannot forget she is pregnant from sunrise to sunset, and sometimes even
through the night! He can only listen to her experiences.
5. When a mother goes through a miscarriage, she actually
goes through the pains of labor, with the result being a loss of life. The
pain is real, but it is intensified when the end result is not to have a baby to
hold in her arms as hoped. Miscarriage leaves a very empty feeling for a
woman.
6. When the miscarriage is a first child, it’s more difficult to
handle. All miscarriages are hard to handle and understand. No woman
should be belittled because she is born with a desire to bear children. When
she loses her first, she often wonders if she will ever have another child. Her
fears give rise to tormenting questions, such as the following: “Can I
successfully carry the next one?”; “Will I ever be able to carry a child full
term?” These are just a couple of examples of questions a mother might ask
herself again and again.
7. A mother may wonder, “Was the loss of this baby my fault?”
She needs to be assured that God has a reason for all that occurs and that
fault is not the concern.
8. A wife cannot understand how her husband can forget the
miscarriage so easily or quickly. A man needs to be reminded that her loss
is very real to her. He needs to be comforting and caring.
COUNSELING ABOUT MISCARRIAGES 277
9. When a mother is given condolences and sympathy, it
usually intensifies the hurt and reminds her of the loss. Sympathy should
always be appropriate. It hurts the mother deeply when someone who does
not yet know of the loss says, “How’s the pregnancy?” or “Have you felt the
baby kicking yet?” Questions such as these show care from the person
inquiring, and they are not meant to be hurtful in any way. However, the
care and interest shown by others does not take away the pain and loss.
People should also remember a father is hurting and may need to be
consoled as well. When was the last time you heard of someone who was
concerned about the father who lost a child due to a miscarriage?
10. Observing Mother’s Day can be very difficult for the one
who has experienced a miscarriage. Most may not consider her a mother,
but she is. Her child just has a different address—Heaven. It is very difficult
for a lady who has miscarried to not consider herself a mother. After all, she
was aware of carrying that baby. She heard the child’s heartbeat. Perhaps
she felt all the symptoms of expecting a baby. A counselor should
acknowledge her loss as the death of a child, and he should remind her that
she is a mother of a child in Jesus’ care.
11. People who have never experienced a miscarriage never fully
understand the loss. As with many situations, most people cannot fully
understand all the feelings of loss another feels unless they have had
firsthand experience themselves or have gone through the loss with
someone very close. I can honestly say I didn’t understand the grieving
process until my wife Schery and I lost our first child by miscarriage.
12. The mother who bears a stillborn child sees the death of her
child in the same way as any other mother who bears a child sees her
living child’s birthday. The date of a miscarriage is always remembered.
She will not forget that date if she tries. On that day, the baby went to
Heaven, and that date will always bring a natural mourning.
13. The parents who experience a miscarriage need to be told
the baby is not dead but lives now with Jesus in Heaven. A counselor
needs to share encouraging thoughts. Some statements I have used are,
“Your child was so special that God couldn’t wait any longer to have your
child’s presence in Heaven with Him.” “Just think! Your child is growing up
in Heaven and running down the golden streets. He is talking and learning
from all of the patriarchs and the godly people who have gone on to be with
the Lord.” Such statements are encouraging to those who have grieving
hearts.
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 278 FOR CHRISTIANS
14. Sometimes it takes years for parents to see anything good as
a result of a miscarriage. However, if the parents will allow God to be God,
He will someday show them the reason for the miscarriage. “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall
I know even as also I am known.” (I Corinthians 13:12) Though many people
do not like to have Romans 8:28 quoted to them in a time of grief or loss,
the verse is a promise that whatever happens to us is for good: “And we
know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who
are the called according to his purpose.”
15. A husband may need counseling in order to help his wife
through her grief. The thoughtful counselor will instruct the husband to
do the following:
A. The husband should not belittle his wife’s emotions concerning
the miscarriage. She will have many different feelings about what has
happened. One moment she may seem strong and understanding; the
next moment she may cry uncontrollably.
B. The husband should hold his wife. She will need the security
only he can provide.
C. The husband should be patient with her. She will greatly
appreciate his understanding and patience.
D. Make note of the date of the loss. Remember the baby on that
date with your wife. Usually, a date like that is etched in the mother’s
mind. However, a father needs to remember on purpose.
16. Neither the husband nor wife should place blame on each
other. Only our great God can know the reasons for His taking the child on
to Heaven. Many times, couples will never know God’s reasoning until they
get to Heaven themselves.
17. The couple shouldn’t be afraid to try again to have children.
A husband should be understanding of his wife’s fear of failing to carry
another child. Both should be reminded that many people have several
children after a miscarriage. Some ladies have the misfortune of miscarrying
children between giving birth to healthy children. A miscarriage does not
necessarily mean that a couple will never be able to give birth to their own
child.
18. Sometimes it is wise to make public the miscarriage,
especially if the pregnancy had been announced. Doing so may stop
unnecessary, untimely, and painful inquiries about the baby.
19. The couple should find a child to love. If the couple has other
COUNSELING ABOUT MISCARRIAGES 279
children, they should invest the love they had prepared to give the child
now in Heaven to the living children on earth. If the couple does not have
any children, they should find some to love. For instance, they could invest
their lives in some lonely bus children. This substitution will not replace the
child, but it will help to fill the void.
20. The thoughtful counselor will remind the hurting ones that
God understands. The couple should spend time praying for strength,
guidance and faith. “Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding
is infinite.” (Psalm 147:5)
A DIARY OF THE UNBORN
September 5th—“Today my life began. My parents do not know it yet.
I am as small as a seed of an apple. And I am to be a girl. I shall have blond
hair and blue eyes. Just about everything is settled, though, even the fact
that I shall love flowers.”
September 19th—“Some say that I am not a real person yet, that only
my mother exists. But I am a real person, just as a small crumb of wheat is
yet truly bread. My mother is real, and so am I.”
September 23rd—“My mouth is just beginning to open now. Just
think, in a year or so I shall be laughing and later talking. I know that my
first word shall be ‘Mama.’ ”
September 25th—“My heart began to beat today all by itself. From
now on, it shall gently beat for the rest of my life without ever stopping to
rest. And after many years, it will tire; it will stop, and I shall die.”
October 2nd—“I am growing a bit every day. My arms and legs are
beginning to take shape. But I have to wait a long time yet before those
little legs will raise me to my mother’s arms, before those little arms will be
able to gather flowers and embrace my father.”
October 12th—“Tiny fingers are beginning to form on my hands.
Funny how small they are! I shall be able to stroke my mother’s hair to my
mouth, and she will probably say, ‘Oh, no! No, dear….’ ”
October 20th—“It wasn’t until today that the doctor told Mom that
I am living here under her heart. Oh, how happy she must be! Are you
happy, Mom?”
October 25th—“My mom and dad are probably thinking about a
name for me, but they don’t know that I am a girl. They are probably saying
PRACTICAL COUNSELING PRINCIPLES 280 FOR CHRISTIANS
‘Andy.’ But I want to be called ‘Cathy.’ I am getting so big already.”
January 26th—“I don’t feel well today. Why, one of Heaven’s angels
is here! I’m going to be with Jesus. I’ll see you in Heaven, Mommy and
Daddy. Oh, how I will miss you! You will miss me, too, but I’m better off up
here with Jesus.”
“I suddenly feel well again.…”